Have you ever sat down to watch one episode of a TV show, but then decided to watch another, and then just one more – until you eventually went to bed much later than planned? Have you gone out to dinner and told yourself you weren’t going to eat any of the complimentary snacks, only to find yourself eating several handfuls? Or maybe you’ve spent more time than you intended checking social media instead of working, or bought an item you knew you didn’t need, or said something you later regretted.

If you’ve experienced these kinds of situations, then congratulations: you’re a human being. We all have times when we act impulsively. Impulsive behaviours are actions focused on short-term consequences with little regard for potential long-term consequences. Impulsivity can manifest in a myriad of ways, such as overeating, overspending, aggression, misusing alcohol or drugs, excessive social media use, risky sexual behaviour, gambling and so on.

Although impulsive behaviours are universal, for some people, the behaviours can have negative consequences that interfere with their lives. Maybe you’re often tired from staying up too late, or anxious about debt from repeated online shopping, or having relationship problems because you tend to blurt out the first thing that comes to your mind when you’re frustrated. The purpose of this Guide is to help you begin to understand and manage your impulsive behaviour so that you can eventually decrease the negative impact it has on your life.

Why impulsive behaviours happen

Impulsive behaviours are sometimes driven by a desire for instant pleasure or excitement. But they are also often attempts to ‘turn off’ emotions that feel unpleasant or distressing. For example, a person might feel sad after a relationship breakup and impulsively drink alcohol or play computer games all night in attempts to avoid or ‘turn off’ the sadness. Having a few drinks or spending the night fighting orcs may not be problematic if it happens a few times, but if someone routinely turns to alcohol or excessive gaming to regulate emotions, she might start experiencing problems with her health, personal life or career.

What’s more, when someone repeatedly responds to emotions or situations by engaging in impulsive behaviour – whether it’s reaching for a drink, a computer game or something else – they are training their brain to automatically associate those emotions/situations with the behaviour. Understanding how this process of conditioning works can be a step toward breaking free of the pattern.

The type of conditioning described above, called operant or instrumental conditioning, is one way that behaviour is shaped by short-term consequences. Here’s another example of this that might shed some light on what you’ve experienced:

• Someone gets instant relief from anxiety every time he smokes or overeats, so he’s likely to smoke or overeat the next time he experiences anxiety.
• Over time, his brain builds such a strong association between anxiety (the stimulus) and the impulsive behaviour (the response) that he starts to automatically react with impulsive behaviour when he feels anxious.
• When he tries to refrain from the behaviour, he may begin experiencing strong urges to act impulsively.
• The brain may eventually generalise impulsive responses to other emotions (additional stimuli), to the point that the person feels the urge to act impulsively when experiencing any uncomfortable emotions.
• Of course, this person will probably experience negative consequences from the impulsive behaviours – such as guilt, health issues or judgment by others. Unfortunately, the brain is more likely to become conditioned by immediate consequences (relief from anxiety) than by consequences that occur hours, days or months later.

A different type of conditioning – classical conditioning – explains why some circumstances can trigger urges and impulsive reactions even when someone doesn’t necessarily want to change her emotions. You may have heard of Pavlov’s dogs: the Russian physiologist Ivan Pavlov routinely rang a bell right before feeding his dogs until their brains connected the sound of the bell (the stimulus) with the food. Eventually, the dogs responded by salivating whenever they heard the bell.

Just as Pavlov’s dogs learned to associate a bell with food, we can learn to associate specific people, places or situations with impulsive behaviour. For example, if someone routinely drinks shots of alcohol when she’s at parties, her brain may start expecting an alcohol shot as soon as she enters a party. She may accept one almost automatically with little consideration of whether she even wants it.

Through both forms of conditioning, a person who once may have engaged only sporadically in impulsive behaviours might increase both the frequency and intensity of the behaviours over time. Such behaviours are especially likely to spike during times of intense negative emotions (in attempts to numb them) or when a person is very busy or stressed, with fewer mental resources to consider long-term consequences. What’s more, the impulsivity will often spread to additional behaviours. Someone who displays impulsivity in one area (impulsive gaming) will often have trouble with impulsivity in other areas (such as eating or drinking more than intended). Some people also have additional vulnerabilities to impulsivity due to genetics, temperament or conditions such as ADHD or borderline personality disorder.

The good news

None of the above means that you or anyone else is destined to feel controlled by impulses forever – regardless of conditioning, genetics or any other factors. I’ve spent years providing therapy, conducting research and training other clinicians on how to address impulsive behaviours. In that time, I’ve worked with people whose impulsivity has led to a variety of consequences, from feelings of regret, helplessness or shame to strained relationships and impaired performance at work or school. But I’ve also witnessed meaningful change: people learning to pause before reacting, gaining confidence in their ability to manage urges, rebuilding trust with others, and beginning to feel more in control of their lives.

This process of change is often not easy. All human beings engage in at least some impulsive behaviour. And if you struggle with impulsivity now, you may always be somewhat more prone to it than others. Toward the end of this Guide, I’ll talk about what to do if your impulsivity feels like it’s part of an addiction or other serious issue. But first: the following steps can help you begin to catch yourself before automatically responding, act more in line with your values, and limit the damage impulsive behaviour might be causing. Success doesn’t necessarily mean eliminating every impulsive behaviour – but it does mean gaining enough control so that impulsivity no longer interferes with your life.

Identify why you want to become less impulsive

First, take a moment to identify an impulsive behaviour that is currently interfering with your life. This behaviour might feel automatic or hard to stop in the moment. It might offer short-term relief or gratification but leave you facing longer-term consequences like regret, interpersonal tension, lost time or emotional discomfort. Focus on the behaviour that concerns you most right now.

Second, take some time to think about what you want out of life – and how your life could be different if that behaviour wasn’t getting in the way. What might improve? Your relationships, energy, finances, peace of mind? What is the behaviour holding you back from doing or enjoying? Type your answers in your phone or write them down somewhere you can look regularly.

Be as clear as possible about the life you want. For example, if you kill several hours a day scrolling social media, you might want to: 1) have more time to spend with close friends and family; 2) feel less lonely and isolated; 3) get more sleep and feel more rested; 4) experience more enjoyment once you stop feeling anxious about wasting time; and 5) feel more confident once you no longer feel as controlled by your impulses.

Of course, your answers will look different depending on the impulsive behaviour you choose. You might want to feel healthier, repair a strained relationship, or stop feeling guilt or anxiety after a behaviour. Maybe you’d like to be better able to focus on specific goals that matter to you. (Be sure to write down what those goals are.) Or perhaps you just want to feel more in charge of your decisions and live a life more aligned with your values. Do your best to focus on specific changes that would feel meaningful to you.

Third, think about the negative consequences of the impulsive behaviour. (These may largely be the opposite of the previous answers. That’s OK.) Compile this list under the previous answers. Negative consequences from the social media example above might be: 1) feeling lonely and isolated; 2) feeling anxious about wasting time; 3) feeling tired the day after you scroll late at night; 4) being worried about getting behind at work or school; 5) feeling guilty when you realise you’ve spent another evening on your phone; 6) feeling insecure after seeing other people’s posts about seemingly perfect lives; and 7) getting a sense that your life is out of your control.

Keep both lists someplace handy so that you can look at them regularly to remind yourself of your answers, especially when you have urges to act impulsively.

Practise being mindful of your feelings and urges

Mindfulness has been hyped as a remedy for almost everything. But hear me out. Let’s clarify the definition first: mindfulness is the ability to be aware of and attentive to your current experience, without getting caught up in emotions or rumination. In other words, I’m talking about the ability to experience and tolerate your emotions, thoughts, sensations and urges – without feeling the need to turn them off or automatically act on them.

Mindfulness practice doesn’t mean that you’ll go into a trance or even that you’ll necessarily feel relaxed. It involves taking time to allow yourself to experience whatever you experience – without telling yourself that there’s a way you should or shouldn’t be feeling. You might find mindfulness exercises relaxing, but you can also be mindful of the fact that you’re experiencing anxiety, boredom or an urge to act impulsively.

How can mindfulness help decrease impulsive behaviour?

• It can help you become aware of increasing urges to engage in impulsive behaviours before you act on them. It’s a little like being able to press a ‘pause’ button before reacting.
• Making time to purposely practise awareness of your current emotions, thoughts and sensations helps ‘build emotional muscles’. Think of it this way: if I had to carry around a literal heavy weight all day, I’d be worn out by the end of the day. But if I lifted weights for several months, I could eventually carry the exact same weight all day without getting exhausted or having sore muscles. Practising mindfulness is like mentally lifting weights. Emotions and urges eventually feel lighter and easier to tolerate – so you feel less need to act impulsively.

With the combination of having a pause button and building your emotional muscles, you can eventually learn to: 1) pause before automatically acting impulsively; and 2) tolerate the emotions/urges long enough to think about long-term consequences and choose a response that fits your values.

One popular mindfulness practice for beginners is the body scan. This involves focusing your awareness of physical sensations on various parts of the body. Usually, you’ll start by focusing on the sensations of your chest and stomach as you inhale and exhale. You then shift your awareness to the sensations in your toes, and gradually move up the body from there, noticing what you feel in each part of your body.

Many people find it easier if they practise with a guided audio that provides instructions. Here’s one for the Colour Body Scan:

You can find other guided audios online or in mindfulness apps (see the Links & Books section below for some examples). When deciding which exercise to practise, how often to practise, or how long to practise, the best approach is to choose the option and the schedule that you will actually follow. For example, setting a goal of practising with 20-minute audios five times a week could help foster the habit and stay consistent. But if that schedule sounds too time-consuming for you to actually follow, then by all means start with a schedule that feels feasible, even if it’s just a 10-minute session twice a week. The important thing is to be consistent in your practice. You can always increase the number and length of practices over time.

When you practise mindfulness, remember: you might relax and feel calm, or you might not. You may feel like you’re generally able to focus, or you may feel like your mind wanders dozens of times. As long as you allow yourself to be aware of what you’re experiencing, the practice is working. As long as you notice your mind wandering and bring it back to the exercise – whether it’s one time or 100 times – the practice is working. If you find that you’re judging yourself (thinking you’re not practising correctly, etc), just give yourself credit for noticing, do your best to let go of the judgment, and then bring your attention back to the exercise.

Deploy urge roadblocks and distractions

Your brain has been conditioned to engage in impulsive behaviour in response to certain emotions or situational cues. If you try to resist, you might begin to experience urges to act impulsively. Every time you do act on such an urge, you’re creating an even stronger connection in your brain between the emotional or situational stimulus and the impulsive act.

But the reverse is true as well. Urges tend to rise and fall like waves. If you can ‘ride out’ a peak urge without acting on it, the urge will eventually subside on its own. The experience might be extremely difficult, but the intensity of the urge will subside.

Of course, the urge will eventually come back again. But if you ride out enough peak urges without doing something to ‘turn them off’ (in other words, without engaging in impulsive behaviour), the peak intensity of the urges will start getting lower and lasting for a shorter time. Eventually, urges to act on impulses will seem more like mild background noise, as opposed to something that interferes with your life. You will be reconditioning your brain to break the association between the emotion/situation and the impulsive behaviours. The following tools can help you do this.

Urge roadblocks

These are planned actions that help you ride out the strongest part of the urge without doing anything to cause yourself negative consequences later. You can set up these roadblocks in advance when you know you might experience a situation that cues impulsive behaviour. They can also be used whenever you start to feel an urge to act impulsively, and/or when you realise your resolve to ride out an urge is starting to waver.

Here are some examples of possible urge roadblocks for common impulsive behaviours:

• For vaping or smoking – do something that makes it difficult to vape or smoke at that moment. For example: a) remove (e-)cigarettes and paraphernalia from your home, or (less strong roadblock) leave your home without taking them with you; b) tell your friends in advance that you will not be vaping/smoking around them, and ask them not to do so around you; c) consider staying away from people who refuse to honour your request; d) carry a packet of gum to chew whenever you have the urge to vape or smoke, since it’s hard to vape/smoke when you are chewing gum.
• For impulsive internet surfing – decide how much time you want to spend online, and then do something that makes it difficult to spend more time than that. For example: a) leave your phone, laptop or tablet somewhere you are not; b) install one of the apps that blocks access to the internet or specific apps after a certain amount of time; c) ask someone else in your household if you can give your device to them after a certain time each evening, and/or whenever you feel high urges.
• For impulsive overeating/binge eating – do something that makes it difficult to overeat at that moment. For example: a) if you have a particular food in your home that you tend to overeat, throw it out (if possible), and don’t buy any food that you find especially tempting; b) stay away from restaurants that are likely to cue binges (such as restaurants with free bread or other foods that tend to trigger overeating); c) ask people close to you to not offer you foods that are often your precursors to overeating.

As you might have noticed, some of these example roadblocks could be transferred from one type of impulsive behaviour to another: for instance, removing alcohol from your home could be a useful roadblock for impulsive drinking.

Distractions

Make a list of activities you can use to keep yourself occupied until an urge subsides. (Only choose activities that don’t have negative consequences!) Keep the list on your phone or in another place you can easily access.

Distractions are most effective when you pick something that involves your full attention and/or requires at least some physical movement. The best distractions are the ones that you will actually use, but here are some popular suggestions:

• Do something creative (take pictures, paint, draw, knit, create a graphic, build something from a kit or from scratch, redecorate a room, etc).
• Engage in physical activity (do sit-ups, push-ups, yoga; dance, bike, walk at a brisk pace, run, lift weights, etc).
• Play with your pet.
• Cook or bake something (for yourself or others).
• Write in a journal.
• Go for a drive or a walk and listen to music or a podcast.
• Visit a friend.

Sometimes you might finish an activity and feel that the urges have decreased enough to be manageable. Other times it could take two or three activities. Importantly, you may or may not enjoy the distractions. As long as you can get through the episode without acting on the urges, you’ve used the distractions effectively.

Plan pleasurable activities without impulsive behaviours

Since impulsive behaviours often feel at least somewhat pleasurable in the short term, you’ll be more likely to successfully stop or decrease these behaviours if you add other sources of pleasure to your life. So, in addition to having roadblocks and distractions to help you manage urges when they rise up, make a list of activities that have the potential to be pleasurable and help you feel good about yourself more generally.

Include activities that take only a few minutes (for instance, taking a moment to savour your favourite flavour of coffee or tea) as well as activities that take additional time and effort. The following are some popular examples, but I encourage you to make a list that fits you:

• Pick something from the list of distractions that you enjoy.
• Watch a movie or read a book.
• Sing along with your favourite songs (at home or in your car).
• Spend time in nature (in a park, by a lake, on a hiking trail, etc).
• Make an effort to spend time with someone you like or love.
• Do something to take care of yourself (get a haircut, massage, etc).
• Go to a concert, play, lecture or sporting event.
• Go to a gallery or museum.
• Take a class (for fun or credit).
• Dance – in a class, by yourself, or at a club.
• Play a sport on a team or casually with friends – or practise on your own.

Do your best to intentionally engage in pleasurable activities a few times per week – whether you choose something from your list or choose something spontaneously.

Note: there’s a chance that your brain might be so conditioned to getting pleasure and relief from the impulsive behaviour that you may not really enjoy the activities when you first start them. That’s OK! You may need to retrain your brain to experience pleasure from activities other than impulsive behaviours, and the only way to do that is to give it some time.

Reflect on what’s working

As you begin to practise these steps, check in with yourself regularly. Are certain strategies helping more than others? Are you starting to notice moments when you pause more often, act more intentionally, or feel a bit more in control? Those moments matter. They’re signs that your brain is beginning to build new pathways.

At the same time, if some strategies aren’t clicking, that’s OK too. You may just need more practice, or you might need to tweak the approach to better fit your needs. For example, you might benefit from trying out a different ‘urge roadblock’ or exploring new potentially pleasurable activities. You might also benefit from additional support – whether from a therapist or a support group (see more on this in the Learn More section below).

Changing conditioned behaviour takes time, and progress is rarely linear. What matters most is that you keep moving toward a life that feels more aligned with your goals and values.

What’s the difference between impulsive and addictive behaviour?

Impulsive behaviour and addictive behaviour overlap a lot. They both provide immediate relief or pleasure, while often leading to long-term harm.

Remember how impulsive behaviour can be conditioned? Addiction takes this a step further. Addiction develops when impulsive behaviours become so deeply conditioned that a person feels stuck in a continuing spiral that seems impossible to resist, regardless of how hard the person tries. The spiral consists of urges that feel unbearable, followed by temporary relief after acting on the urges, followed by the unbearable urges rising again after the relief subsides.

Although not all impulsivity leads to addiction, impulsive behaviours can lay the foundation for addiction, as the brain can become conditioned to seek quick fixes rather than develop lasting, healthier coping strategies.

What if impulsive behaviour is seriously impairing your life?

If your impulsive behaviour feels impossible to resist despite your best attempts – and/or if it seems like it is part of an addiction, or another serious condition – I strongly encourage you to seek help from a mental health professional. When seeking treatment, see if you can find a therapist or counsellor whose specialty includes impulsive and/or addictive behaviour, as well as any co-occurring issues you think you might have, such as ADHD, borderline personality disorder or bipolar disorder.

Here are a few of the relevant treatment approaches that a mental health professional might use to help:

• Dialectical behaviour therapy (DBT) is particularly helpful for emotion regulation and impulse control. DBT was originally created for suicidal behaviour and borderline personality disorder, but it can be modified to address a range of impulsive behaviours and co-occurring issues.
• Cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) helps identify cues, modify unhelpful thinking styles, and teach adaptive ways of coping. CBT can treat a variety of mental health issues, and it can be modified to target impulsivity and addiction.
• Acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT) integrates select CBT techniques with strategies specifically focused on acceptance and valued action. ACT can also address a variety of mental health issues and be modified to target impulsivity and addiction.
• Mindfulness and modification therapy (MMT) combines mindfulness practice with active coping skills to help people move past impulsive behaviours toward lives that feel more fulfilling. MMT is an approach that I and my colleagues developed specifically to treat impulsive and addictive behaviours.
• Some types of impulsive behaviours may respond to medication, although results vary greatly depending on the condition and the person. If your impulsivity is linked to conditions such as ADHD, OCD, bipolar disorder or physical addiction, check with your therapist or primary care practitioner for a potential referral to a psychiatrist.

For people who can’t access mental health professionals and/or for people attending therapy who would like additional social support, relevant groups include the following:

• SMART Recovery is an evidence-based support group that focuses on cognitive-behavioural strategies to help individuals overcome addictive behaviours. Instead of emphasising spirituality like 12-step programmes do, SMART Recovery trains members in practical coping skills in the context of a supportive, nonjudgmental group.
• 12-step programmes (such as Alcoholics Anonymous or Overeaters Anonymous) are peer-support groups that follow a structured, often spiritually oriented approach to recovery. They emphasise personal accountability, surrendering to a higher power, and the strength of mutual support. (Note: the groups’ tenets say that the higher power does not have to be God; instead, a person can decide that their higher power is their family, the universe, or even the support group itself.)

My Psychology Today blog includes a series of posts aimed at helping people understand and manage impulsive, addictive and self-destructive behaviours. If you’d like to read more on this subject, I’d suggest you start with this post on dysregulated behaviours.

If you’re looking for a therapist to help you manage impulsive behaviours or related challenges, you can also search Psychology Today’s directory for mental health professionals in your area.

You can find more information about SMART Recovery support groups, including meeting times and topics, at this site. The Smart Recovery Handbooks teach related coping tools and provide worksheets for people seeking support as well as their family members.

This Wikipedia page lists 12-step groups available for various impulsive behaviours. Find the group that fits you, and then use your search engine to find meetings in your area and/or online.

Mindfulness practice has been shown to help with impulsive behaviours, and a mindfulness app can help you start practising or take your current practice to a new level. Recommended subscription apps include Headspace (with the widest selection of practices) and Calm (with fewer guided practices but multiple options for personalising your experience). The Healthy Minds Program is a free app with several structured mindfulness-related programmes. Finally, Smiling Mind is a free app geared toward both children and adults.

The DBT Self-Help website includes skills that can be helpful for impulsivity, regardless of whether you have a co-occurring condition. If you’re seeing a therapist, you may also want to buy the book DBT Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets (2nd ed, 2014) by Marsha M Linehan so you can work through the skills in treatment.

If you’re a mental health professional and see clients with impulsive or addictive behaviours, you might find it useful to read my book Treating Impulsive, Addictive, and Self-Destructive Behaviors: Mindfulness and Modification Therapy (2019).