In 1997, the psychologists Elaine and Arthur Aron identified a group of people who displayed unusually high levels of sensory sensitivity. These individuals described being troubled by noise, smells and textures, such as the background din at restaurants, the smell of strong perfumes, or the feel of particular clothing, and so on. The Arons soon discovered that the sensitivity of these people extended beyond the senses to also include emotional sensitivity and complex inner lives. Based on these and similar findings, the Arons proposed the concept of highly sensitive persons (HSPs). Early research estimated that highly sensitive people make up between 15 and 25 per cent of the population, although more recently researchers have reported it may be as high as 31 per cent.

I work with highly sensitive people giving them advice to help them manage their differences and live well. If you have a hunch that you are a highly sensitive person, this Guide is for you – I’m going to help you better understand your sensitivity and show you ways you can thrive in spite of and because of your sensitive nature.

For a sense of what life can be like for a highly sensitive person, consider Emma’s experience at a neighbourhood gathering (Emma’s story is fictional but inspired by the real accounts of sensitive clients I have worked with). Not long after arriving at the gathering, she noticed her friend Maria, the host, seemed unusually quiet, her smile not reaching her eyes. While others chatted and enjoyed the evening, Emma gently approached Maria, who confided she was overwhelmed with work and hosting responsibilities. Emma’s empathy provided comfort, creating a meaningful connection. Later, Emma noticed the music was too loud, not only for herself but for several guests, and she discreetly asked Maria if it could be turned down, making the environment more enjoyable for everyone.

As a highly sensitive person, Emma’s heightened awareness of the world around her often enriched her relationships and surroundings. Friends valued her deep empathy and ability to articulate emotions they struggled to express. Emma also excelled in creative pursuits; her sensitivity allowed her to notice intricate details and draw inspiration from the beauty in life’s subtleties, such as the vivid hues of a sunset or the intricate melody of a song. Yet Emma also faced distinct and significant challenges in life – she was vulnerable to emotional exhaustion and certain stimulating environments, especially public places, left her feeling drained.

High sensitivity is a genetic and biological difference. Your sensitivity might not manifest in exactly the same way as Emma’s, but if you are a highly sensitive person, it’s very likely that you notice more of what is going on around you, and in greater detail, than is typical, and that you think more deeply about it. You are probably also more affected by your experiences, for good and bad, and have been since you were born.

Although being a highly sensitive person brings with it a constellation of traits and attributes that might help you better understand yourself and your experiences, it is not a mental health condition or neurodevelopmental diagnosis. Some of the traits associated with being an HSP, such as sensory sensitivity and emotional reactivity, overlap with the symptoms of various psychological diagnoses. To be diagnosed with a disorder, the symptoms must seriously interfere with your daily life for a certain amount of time. If you have any concerns about your mental health, please consult a professional.

Highly sensitive people think and feel differently

If you are like most highly sensitive people, you are probably detail-oriented in your personal and professional life. Your conscientiousness and exceptional attention to detail, as my colleagues and I have described, can be valuable in many professional settings. However, a highly valued trait can become a millstone, if it becomes too obsessive.

As a highly sensitive person, your ability to think deeply and to synthesise disparate pieces of information into a new concept probably also makes you more creative than most. A recent survey of nearly 300 adults found that people who scored highly on sensory sensitivity also rated more highly in creativity. The researchers David Bridges and Haline Schendan propose that this creative advantage can be traced to neural differences, specifically to greater activity in the neural networks that notice and pay attention to information coming in from the environment.

You also likely have an increased ability to notice others’ emotions, which can manifest as heightened empathy. Researchers have linked this with greater neural activity in the insula, a brain structure known to be involved in representing other people’s emotional states.

Being a highly sensitive person brings strengths and challenges

Being highly empathic and creative sounds like having a superpower. But being a highly sensitive person comes with distinct challenges too. Heightened empathy can lead to feelings of overwhelm in socially or emotionally charged situations. For example, research suggests that highly sensitive parents engage more empathically and creatively with their children, yet they enjoy parenting less due to the emotional intensity involved. Similarly, you may find you are more vulnerable to emotional exhaustion at work, especially as the demands of your job increase.

This Guide aims to help you thrive by learning to better manage your sensitivities and through being strategic in how you navigate stimulating environments and challenging social situations. In my work with highly sensitive people, I’ve seen that, with the right tools and approach, it is possible to take advantage of your unique way of thinking and feeling to craft a life that resonates with your values.

Understand and accept your high sensitivity

There are a number of questionnaires that can help you to better understand your own high sensitivity. One option is the latest version of the Arons’ Highly Sensitive Person Scale, which is free to download online. Another option is the Sensory Processing Sensitivity Questionnaire (SPS-Q) developed by Véronique M J De Gucht and her colleagues at Leiden University in the Netherlands, which is also freely available online and gives you a nice diagram of your scores. It breaks high sensitivity into six parts listed below and asks you to rate your agreement with various statements. Here are some examples for each of the six parts:

• Emotional and physical reactivity: I am easily upset by changes in my life.
• Sensitivity to subtle internal and external stimuli: I am sensitive to internal physical tension.
• Sensory comfort: I can really enjoy a relaxing activity (agreement would indicate lower sensitivity).
• Sensory discomfort: I find harsh sounds very annoying.
• Social-affective sensitivity: Looking into someone’s eyes gives me a good idea whether or not someone is telling the truth.
• Aesthetic sensitivity: I can be emotionally touched by music or art.

The visual profile you’ll receive also compares your total score against a group of more than 4,000 people from the general population, so you can see how sensitive you are compared with other people. High sensitivity exists along a spectrum – your own level might be not at all high, extremely high or anywhere in between.

The results of the SPS-Q can allow you to better understand your heightened sensory awareness and emotional reactivity. The statements in the questionnaire might prompt you to consider the ways the six factors shape your personal life and interactions with others. (Remember, as with all questionnaires developed for use as research tools, the results are for your information only, and not for formal diagnosis of any condition.)

If you found that you scored highly on the questionnaire, it doesn’t mean you are abnormal, rather you are wired to experience the world differently. Embracing your sensitivity and learning how to live with it can significantly enhance how you feel and help you lead a more fulfilling life. A quiet sense of self-confidence based on accepting who you are and where you stand makes others realise that they shall need to honour your boundaries.

Practise controlling your intense feelings and challenging your core beliefs

Before we get to managing your environment and talking to others about your sensitivity, a good place to start is learning to better manage the intensity of your thoughts and emotions. Your deep emotional engagement with the world can make you vulnerable to rumination – replaying events over and over in your mind. According to the neuroscientist Lisa Feldman Barrett, emotions do not just happen to you. You actually create them based on your thoughts and beliefs about a situation. I have developed TRIE (Technique to Reduce the Intensity of Emotions), an HSP-specific programme, based on techniques from CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy). Using this programme you can shift your thoughts away from negative interpretations and focus on more constructive ways to respond.

Here’s a step-by-step guide, premised on a situation that led you to think negative thoughts, such as an argument with your partner or a friend flaking on plans:

• First, think about a situation when you experienced strong negative feelings of anger or fear and what might have sparked them. Is it something someone said or did? What exact words, or exact behaviours of theirs made you feel the way you do?
• Then describe your feelings of anger or fear. What thoughts went through your head? These first two steps force you to make your worries very specific so that you can then do something about them.
• Talk back to your negative thoughts with more rational thoughts. For example, imagine that the ‘spark’ for your fear was worrying that your partner, who has been dissatisfied with your relationship, will want a divorce. You worry about this because a previous spouse surprised you by asking for a divorce out of the blue. You can talk back to your negative thoughts using a rational response such as ‘That was then, this is now,’ to distinguish between what happened in your previous marriage and this new relationship. Not everyone will react the way your ex did. It is likely that you and your new partner can find solutions to the relationship dissatisfaction. Try to apply this calm rationality to your own situation.
• Another helpful way I’ve seen clients talk back is by saying to themselves: ‘Highly sensitive people are wired to react intensely. Reacting strongly does not mean that the situation is dangerous.’
• Finally, praise yourself for using the rational thought. Your mind will associate thinking the rational thought with the pleasant emotions of being praised. In order to keep the pleasant emotions coming, it will remember to use the same rational thought in the future.

Over time, you might notice that you have the same angry or fearful thoughts in most of the uncomfortable situations you encounter. These recurring thoughts most likely reflect your personal ‘core beliefs’. Core beliefs are the most fundamental beliefs you hold about yourself, the world and others, which you formed early in life. As a highly sensitive person, you are especially predisposed to negative core beliefs, such as ‘I am too sensitive,’ ‘I am too easily overwhelmed,’ or ‘To be lovable, I must always agree.’ These beliefs can negatively affect your self-esteem and ability to cope.

You can train yourself to talk back to your negative core beliefs and improve your self-image. Let’s imagine you are feeling deeply hurt when a close friend forgets your birthday. First, follow the initial two steps described above, then continue as follows:

• Ask yourself what core belief underlies your thoughts and feelings in this situation? In this case, your upset about your friend forgetting your birthday might be connected to your core belief that you are unlikeable.
• Next, instead of talking back to your initial thought in this situation, talk back to your core belief instead. You can challenge your core belief and realise that forgetting your birthday wasn’t an intentional oversight. On reflection, you can realise that your friend has been going through a difficult time at work and simply got caught up in their own stress.
• Praise yourself. As before, this will associate your more positive interpretation with the pleasure of being praised.

Practise mindfulness

Another way to manage overwhelming emotions is to practise mindfulness – paying full attention to the present moment without judgment. We hear a lot about mindfulness but it is especially beneficial for highly sensitive people. One way to practise mindfulness is to fully immerse yourself in something you very much enjoy doing and that requires your complete concentration, such as a game of squash, painting or reading. However, I recommend using a form of mindfulness that takes advantage of your attention to detail. Here’s one way:

Find a quiet spot in nature where you won’t be disturbed. Leave your phone at home or switch it off, and bring some fruit to eat. Plan to spend 45-60 minutes on your mindfulness practice. Many mindfulness practices are scheduled for shorter periods of time. However, since you as a highly sensitive person pay greater attention to incoming information, you need a longer time in order to focus on the details around you. Next, focus on each of the main senses separately:

Sight. What do you see in the distance? What do you see nearby? Many times, the reasons people are not able to be mindful is because they are getting distracted by too much stimulation. So stop to admire objects nearby instead of far away. Notice the shapes around you. How are the leaves arranged on their stems? What is the pattern of veins in the leaves? If you are observing in the winter, notice the patterns in the snow. Has it been formed into dunes by the wind?

Sound. Stay very still and listen. At first, you may hear just a wall of sound. After a while, you may be able to distinguish individual sounds. Is the sound loud or soft? Is it high or low? How often is it repeated? Is there a pattern to the sound? Is there a melody? Is there a purpose to the sound, for example, a squirrel scolding you when you pass through its territory?

Touch. Put your hand out and feel your surroundings. What does rock feel like? How is it different from earth? How do dry leaves crumble in your hand? Do they break apart all at once, or in stages? What do the seeds of the plants feel like? Smooth? Jagged? Do they have indentations? Attachments?

Taste. Take the fruit you brought and begin to chew it. Pay attention to how it feels as you bite into it – notice if it’s juicy, chewy or sticky. Observe the sweetness or any other flavours that emerge. Take your time to notice the changes in texture and flavours as you chew.

The aim of mindfulness exercises like this is to heighten your awareness of the present moment in a way that doesn’t involve making emotional judgments of yourself or anyone or anything else, and that doesn’t involve mind-wandering to ruminate about the past or worry about the future. The more you practise on your own in a quiet place, the more you will strengthen your ability to maintain this state of mind as you go about your everyday life, which will help you to better manage your sensitivity, eventually even in stressful situations.

Avoid overwhelm

Your surroundings – both the objects and the people you interact with every day, can affect you much more intensely than they would someone less sensitive.

One effective way to manage sensory overload is by identifying your daily overwhelm threshold – the point at which sensory input becomes too much. You can do this by using a technique that I developed and that I call an ‘overwhelm tracker’. The idea is to track your reactions to everyday stressful situations, each day for 14 days. You’ll need a journal to get started. Keep it with you through the day:

• On the first day, note the date at the top of the page and then draw a vertical line to represent a thermometer. Keep your journal handy through the day.
• When you experience your first stressful situation of the day, make a mark at the bottom of the thermometer. Beside it, describe the situation that caused the stress (such as ‘people at next table in café are talking loudly’), and describe your intense feelings.
• When you experience a second stressful situation that day (such as ‘my partner criticised my driving’), make a mark higher on the thermometer. Describe the situation and note your intense feelings beside the mark.
• Do this for each additional stressful situation (maybe another is a dog in the neighbourhood barking incessantly), until you reach a point where you experience distress so intense that it results in you behaving in an unhelpful way towards yourself or others – such as yelling at someone, saying something that you feel may jeopardise a valued personal or work relationship; or having your body shut down to the point where you could not do normal activities of daily living like make meals, shop or clean your home. This is your personal ‘individual overarousal threshold’ for that day.
• Keep this up every day for two weeks and then review your journal. Looking back, you will notice how many stressful events you can usually handle before you ‘snap’. You will also come to see what types of events you consider stressful.
• Now you can use this information to help plan your days going forward. Aim to avoid encountering the number and kind of events that would take you above your average individual overarousal threshold.

To avoid reaching this tipping point, you might find it helps to make changes to your environment. If you have a home office, consider investing in blinds or black-out curtains to control the light intensity. To manage noise levels, consider using earplugs or noise-cancelling headphones.

Nature and green spaces can be calming. If you need to go to a shared office, go outdoors on breaks and make the most of any available green space. Aim to walk to the office through green spaces such as parks and cemeteries. Try to schedule at least 30 minutes daily in a green space or interact with nature in some way. Even watching ants crawl along the concrete outside an office tower counts.

A peaceful home environment can also offer a retreat from overstimulation. Rearrange your home so that there is less crowding and more organisation. Make a list of things you like to look at, listen to, taste or feel, and incorporate them into your home. For example, if you love the feel of warmth and softness, work while wrapped in a soft blanket on a cold winter’s day. Take a warm bath when you feel stressed. Keep a cuddly small stuffie next to your computer and squeeze it when you’re getting close to your individual overarousal threshold. Keep your favourite hot chocolate or coffee beans on hand to give yourself a pleasant taste sensation. And, if it is not too arousing, have a favourite playlist on as background music while you work.

Explain your sensitivity to others

Highly sensitive people are a minority, so most of the folks you encounter in life won’t think or feel like you. They may be completely unaware of what you need in order to thrive. However, feeling accepted and understood by those around you will help you feel less stress, and enjoy more health and happiness. For this reason, it can be helpful to talk to those close to you about your sensitivity. Here are some tips for doing that constructively:

• Introducing your high sensitivity to others. At an appropriate time (ideally when the other person is feeling calm and not busy), here are some facts you could share about yourself – of course feel free to tailor the wording to your own style: Around 15 to 30 per cent of people have a trait called high sensitivity. It is biological, and handed down genetically. I have this trait. I take in more details from my environment, and am better at combining those details with information I already know. Since my brain is processing all sorts of information, I can experience intense feelings and thoughts. This allows me to notice more details and be more empathic. It also means I react more intensely to incoming information, so that I can get emotionally overwhelmed more quickly than less-sensitive people.
• Share a concrete example of an experience you’ve had. You will have your own experiences you can draw from, but here is an example of the kind of anecdote that might help the other person understand how you’re different: Imagine we are both introduced to a stranger at a networking event. You notice the name of his company and trendy clothes. I notice both those things, but also a pinky ring that indicates he is an engineer, and the brand of his shoes, which is popular in New York City. While you move on to further conversation, I am wondering whether he might be an engineer from NYC, and deciding whether it would be rude to ask. By now, the topic has changed and I don’t get to contribute. Five more people join us, and I am taking in details about them, as well as remembering the names of the songs being played, but the conversation topic changes again before I get to contribute. Fifteen minutes later, I’m frustrated, exhausted and feel left out.

Let’s return to Emma’s story one last time.

Driving home, Emma reflected on the evening. She felt grateful for her ability to connect and contribute. However, her sensitivity was a double-edged sword. Crowded events, like this gathering, quickly become overstimulating to her. The hum of conversations, bright lights and general bustle drained her energy. Emma also found herself deeply affected by criticism; remarks others might dismiss often lingered in her mind, leading to self-doubt.

She now acknowledged her need for solitude. The next morning, she recharged in her garden, surrounded by birdsong and nature’s calming beauty. Emma embraced her sensitivity as a gift, using it to deepen her connections, find creative inspiration, and bring small but meaningful changes to her environment.

Boundary-setting for highly sensitive people

As mentioned, there is evidence that highly sensitive people are more empathic than is typical. Perhaps it’s for this reason that I’ve noticed my highly sensitive clients often seem to put others before themselves. Maybe you too find yourself eager to help other people. The risk is that less sensitive individuals may misinterpret your helpfulness as weakness, and take advantage. That’s why learning to set boundaries can be so important for highly sensitive people, as detailed in Elaine Aron’s book, The Highly Sensitive Person’s Workbook (1999). One key part of this is learning to say ‘No’ when people make unreasonable demands of you.

Let’s imagine your spouse has made last-minute plans to meet a friend, and says he wants you to look after the children tomorrow night. However, you already made important plans for that same night – and you made them two weeks ago and he knows that. Your feelings of empathy for your spouse’s situation might make it difficult for you to advocate for yourself – but, in this context, it’s perfectly fair for you to convey your inability to shift your plans. Here’s a way to do it:

• First, repeat the other person’s request in your own words. For example, in this case you might say: ‘You want me to look after the children tomorrow night because you want to meet an out-of-town friend.’ Then ask: ‘Have I understood you correctly?’ This is to ensure there is agreement about what’s being asked of you.
• Next, show the other person that you understand their feelings about the situation: ‘I understand how you might really want to see your friend, since he lives far away and you rarely see him.’ This is to show that you understand their feelings.
• Now begin to convey your predicament. Feel free to share that you do not feel comfortable saying ‘No’, but that there is a complication.
• Explain your predicament making use of the word ‘need’. This might seem like a strong word to use. But less-sensitive people will see it as firm but not aggressive. Say something like: ‘I do not feel comfortable giving up my plans, which were made two weeks in advance. I need you to respect my right to take time for myself. I also need you to respect the fact that I informed you of my plans for Friday night at least two weeks ago in order to be assured they would not be tampered with.’
• Repeat as necessary. You may have to repeat yourself, using the exact same words, many times before someone respects your boundary.

I recommend that you do not give an explanation for feeling the way you do. The reason is that the other person may use your explanation to try and persuade you to say ‘Yes.’ For example, do not say: ‘If I change plans, I will waste the cost of my tickets for the theatre.’ Your spouse may then respond: ‘I’ll give you the money for the tickets.’ The more explanations you give, the more reasons the other person can use to persuade you to do what they want.

On my personal website, I explain the concept of high sensitivity, give practical advice on living as a highly sensitive person, discuss research findings and more.

On her website, Elaine Aron provides a comprehensive collection of information about high sensitivity, resources for highly sensitive people, events, self-tests, and a directory of psychological experts who provide support to highly sensitive people.

Sensitive: The Untold Story (2015) is the original documentary made about high sensitivity. Besides interviewing researchers, it also showcases people who are highly sensitive, including the singer-songwriter Alanis Morissette.

In the documentary Sensitive Lovers: A Deeper Look into Their Relationships (2020), Elaine and Arthur Aron provide suggestions for more skilful and fulfilling relationships.

Elaine Aron’s book The Highly Sensitive Person: How to Thrive When the World Overwhelms You (1996; revised 2013) is a very comprehensive discussion of the high-sensitivity trait, from the researcher who originated the concept. It is the ‘HSP Bible’.

The Highly Sensitive Person’s Workbook (1999), also by Elaine Aron, is a companion to The Highly Sensitive Person. It offers very detailed explorations of the following topics: overarousal, childhood, shyness, work, close relationships, psychotherapy, medical care, and spirituality.

The Highly Sensitive Child: Helping Our Children Thrive When the World Overwhelms Them (2002), again by Elaine Aron, is a very good overview of high sensitivity in children. It includes a self-test, discusses highly sensitive children with both sensitive and non-sensitive parents, and gives advice on raising highly sensitive children from infants through to young adults.