Need to know
Mia speaks of an overwhelming sense of sadness since her husband’s sudden death a few months ago. She says that her pain is indescribable, like nothing she’s ever experienced before. Even though she has a loving family and many friends, she is at a loss to know what she can do to ease the pain. Jack, whose young son died from a brain tumour, is trying to stay strong for his family but confides that he is ‘barely keeping it together’. He needs someone outside of his family to talk to about his tremendous loss. Chris’s father has just died, and he is extremely worried about his elderly mother, who has never lived alone. Not only does he feel the weight of his own grief, but that of his mother’s grief as well. He comes seeking guidance.
Even though Mia, Jack and Chris’s circumstances are very different, they each need a safe place to express their deep sorrow, as well as guidance and support. Mia discovers that it’s helpful to have a regular outlet in grief counselling where she can talk about her husband and the story of his death. He had been driving home from work when a car swerved and hit his car head-on. For Mia, part of expressing her grief is having a safe space to grapple with difficult questions – the ‘what ifs’ and the ‘if onlys’. Jack needs a place where he can let out his hurt and anger; he has been struggling with not being able to protect his son from cancer and the unfairness of his son’s death at such a young age. He finds that he benefits from being able to cry and speak openly about his loss. Similarly, Chris needs to make time for his grief, and joins a bereavement support group for adults who have lost a parent. Being able to talk with others who have experienced the same type of loss lessens his sense of isolation.
As you can see from these fictionalised stories – which, along with others in this Guide, are based on the experiences of various people I’ve met as a clinician – finding ways to express grief and access support can help bereaved individuals to feel a little less alone and overwhelmed. If you have recently lost a significant person in your life, this Guide will help you understand why expressing grief is important, and outline various possible ways of doing so.
Grief is a normal response to loss
While grief can feel excruciatingly painful and isolating at times, it is important to understand that it’s a completely normal response to loss. No two people will grieve in the same way, but the experience is typically characterised by profound sadness and a yearning or longing to be with the person who died. Many people assume that grief is linear – that you will just get ‘better and better’ as each day passes. This assumption is inaccurate and can lead people down the wrong path. Instead, grief tends to follow a wave-like pattern, which for most people eases over time, although intense or ‘rogue’ waves can hit and catch you off guard, months or even years later.
While no one can take away your pain or ‘fix’ you, there are things you can do to help yourself feel a little less overwhelmed and more in control of your grief. Finding ways to express your grief, to let out thoughts and feelings associated with it, is one important aspect of beginning to move forward. It can be helpful to think about grieving as giving you the time and emotional space to develop a new or different relationship with your loved one that is based on memory, legacy and meaning. Expressing your grief – which can include telling the story of your loved one’s death, sharing your thoughts and feelings about your loss, and reflecting on how the person influenced or shaped your life – is a key part of developing this relationship.
Why is it important to express your grief?
People typically grieve in a way that is fairly consistent with their personality. If you are someone who tends to talk about things that worry or concern you, you will probably want to talk with others about your loss. If you’re someone who tends to keep worries or concerns to yourself, you will probably keep your grief somewhat to yourself.
Irrespective of your personality, it is important to find constructive ways to express your grief, with others and/or privately. Otherwise, grief can build up over time – a bit like a pressure cooker – and eventually spill over into other aspects of your life, which can impact not only your mood and your day-to-day functioning, but also your physical health. You might be consumed by what happened or have lingering questions that keep you awake at night. You might find it increasingly difficult to be around others or to feel productive at work. Or you might question what it all means. Some people turn to alcohol or other substances as a way to numb their pain, while others withdraw from family and friends. We know from research that bereaved individuals are at increased risk of physical and mental health issues, which is why accessing support and finding outlets to express your grief are essential.
In my work as a clinical psychologist who specialises in bereavement, my goal is to help people learn to ride the wave of grief. I recommend that my clients, especially those in the early months of their bereavement, carve out ‘grief time’ in their week, and try some of the suggestions outlined in the next section. While expressing your grief might sound like a daunting task, you’ll see that there is more than one approach to doing so, and finding ways that work for you can help. As time goes on and you begin to adjust to the physical absence of your loved one, you will likely find that you don’t need to express your grief as often, even though it can continue to be helpful. The rest of this Guide offers ideas on where to start.
