What to do
Check your assumptions about asking for help
If you are inclined to avoid requesting help, it’s important to examine any thoughts or beliefs that might be getting in your way. These could include:
- Negative associations: you might associate help-seeking with a negative view of ‘taking handouts’ or think that someone is lazy if they can’t do something themselves.
- Self-criticism: you could be your own worst critic and think that asking for help means you are incapable or weak.
- Concerns about how you will be perceived: you might worry that someone will think less favourably of you if you ask for help.
- Self-sacrificing beliefs: you might buy into a self-sacrificing narrative, believing that you should put the needs of others before your own. You might worry about burdening someone with your needs.
- Overestimating the likelihood of rejection: ‘No one is going to want to help me out,’ you might assume – ‘why would they?’
Even though these types of thoughts and beliefs about asking for help are quite common, they are often inaccurate. People are likely much more willing to help than you realise. Research suggests that we tend to underestimate the likelihood of someone saying yes to a request for help. Most people feel good when they do helpful things for others, and prefer to think of themselves as generous and willing to help when they can. If you fear that someone will like you less if you ask them for help, consider the opposite possibility: people might actually like you more if they’ve done you a favour. Expressing vulnerability and openness, by acknowledging that you could use help, can lead to deeper connection. When people help you, they may develop a vested interest in the outcome.
In the case of asking for help or advice from a knowledgeable expert, you might worry that the person will think you are ‘stupid’ or incompetent. Yet there is evidence that asking for advice can actually increase perceptions of the asker’s competence. People feel proud to see their expertise acknowledged and will often be happy to share it with you.
So, when you catch your mind kicking in with unhelpful reasons not to ask for help, step back from your thoughts and see them for what they are – your mind’s incessant chatter. Remind yourself that your thoughts aren’t always accurate, and you don’t always have to listen to them. Instead, you can let these self-critical thoughts and worries come and go, without letting them run the show.
Make a decision to ask for help
If you know that you could use help with some need or challenge but are wavering about whether to ask for it, you’ll need to make a decision.
In some situations, you might have valid concerns about the interpersonal impact of a request, or it might simply be easier and less stressful to do something yourself. If the challenge you face is a one-time situation, and getting assistance would just complicate matters or slow you down, then asking for help might not make sense. When deciding whether or not to ask for help, however, consider balancing the short-term discomfort of asking against potential long-term gain. If a demand is weighing on you, or you struggle with a problem repeatedly, getting help could save you time or reduce stress in the long run, making it worthwhile to ask.
My friend and colleague Jill struggles with asking for help, like I do. When her husband’s grandmother died, Jill felt it was important to support him by travelling across the country for the funeral. Since they were unable to bring their children with them, this meant asking three different friends to pitch in for a few days of child and pet care. In the long term, however, it was worth it to Jill to face the short-term discomfort of asking in order to support her husband and his family.
In making your decision about asking for help, you might find it helpful to zoom out and consider your values – the kinds of qualities and actions that are consistent with the person you want to be. Here are some values-related questions you might ask yourself:
- What is most important to you in this situation?
- Long-term, will asking for help bring you closer to an important goal?
- What feels most consistent with the kind of person you want to be – asking or not asking for help?
- How much do you value speaking up for your needs? How about courage? Independence? Openness?
- How much do you value having open and supportive relationships?
Choose whom to ask
Once you have resolved to ask for help, you’ll need to decide who would be the best person to ask. Sometimes the choice is obvious but, if it’s not, think about who has the skill set, ability or knowledge that you most need. In some cases, seeking professional help might make the most sense, especially if a task requires special skills that most people don’t have. For instance, if you are struggling emotionally, and it seems that the support of your friends and family might not be enough, you could reach out to a mental health professional.
If you plan to ask a friend, relative or coworker for help, you’ll want to consider relationship dynamics. Ideally, you’ll find someone you trust – not only to help you effectively, but also to respond to your request in a way that will enhance, rather than damage, your relationship. You might consider asking someone you have helped before, as people often like to tip the balance toward reciprocity. You might reconsider if it’s someone you’re planning to ask for help with something more important soon or someone who has responded poorly to requests in the past. But don’t rule out a person just because they have declined to help you once before – they might actually be more likely than you think to agree to help the second time, because of the discomfort of saying no twice.
Consider the best time to ask
Unless you’re facing an urgent problem, it’s generally better to give someone plenty of time to respond to a request and to provide help at their own pace. If the person you are asking is prone to emotional ups and downs, do your best to time the request to when they seem to have the emotional capacity to process what you’re saying and make a good decision. Someone might jump to a response too quickly if they are in a rush or stressed out. Be aware of catching someone in a moment of stress and, if you know they are in an irritable mood, you might want to wait. When in doubt, you might even explicitly ask them if they have the bandwidth to be asked for a favour.
Consider asking someone for help when you see them in person, if you can. Face-to-face conversations can help to foster a sense of connection. There’s even some evidence that when people make requests over email, rather than in person, they tend to overestimate the likelihood of getting what they want. In today’s virtual world, however, in-person requests aren’t always feasible. An upside of text or email is that they might give the person a chance to think over the request before responding.
Ask in the face of discomfort
We often have to be willing to feel discomfort in order to do important things. As you are gearing up to make your request for help, you might notice that your instinct is not to do it. It’s helpful to consider the emotions that might underlie this reluctance, such as:
- fear of being disappointed if your request is rejected;
- guilt, shame or embarrassment about needing help; or
- anxiety about not having complete control over what the other person will do to provide help.
The first step in handling these emotions is awareness. Simply notice your discomfort and label the emotions that show up for you. You can even practise ‘emotion surfing’ by watching your emotions rise and fall over time.
When uncomfortable emotions arise, you can always choose to take action anyway. Any time you have previously stepped outside of your comfort zone to do something hard or uncomfortable, that was a small act of courage. Similarly, you can take the risk of asking for help, even if you feel awkward or uncertain about how it will go.
Use assertive communication skills
When the conversation is likely to be a difficult one, and especially if your emotions are running high, you might not know the best way to ask for help. Assertive communication can help you make a request that is both direct and respectful. This style of communicating is the happy medium between aggressive and passive communication.
- Aggressive communication is controlling. It can feel to the other person like a demand or attack, and it can evoke defensiveness, fear or resentment. Even if the other person responds by doing what you want, an aggressive tone might result in damage to the relationship.
- With passive communication, in order to steer clear of potential conflict, you do not express your needs directly. You might avoid conveying what you need or do so in a timid and tentative way. Over time, resentment can build if you are too passive.
- Assertive communication is the sweet spot in between, where you both express your needs directly and care for the relationship by being respectful. The goal is to resolve the issue at hand and increase understanding. It includes both sharing your perspective and being open to hearing the other person.
To communicate assertively, simply be honest and open, and state the request directly and with respect. For instance:
- ‘I’ve been struggling with ____. Would you be willing to ____?’
- ‘Could you help me out by ____?’
- ‘I was wondering if you could do me a favour and ____.’
- ‘Could you please ____ for me next Tuesday?’
Think of the ask as a polite request you are making, not a demand on the person. They might choose to say no, and that would be an acceptable response. In Influence Is Your Superpower (2022), Zoe Chance writes that ‘if [the people you’re asking for help] feel coerced, they’ll resist – either in the moment or later – by looking for a way out’. Research even suggests that the wellbeing benefits of helping others might be diminished when the helper lacks control over the decision to help. In giving someone true freedom to choose, you will feel more confident that, if they say yes, they did so because they want to help you.
Sometimes, your goal might be to get help, no matter what. Perhaps you are in a bind, desperate to get someone’s assistance. In that case, you might need to be especially assertive in asking, and ask multiple people until you get a yes. Other times, being considerate and preserving your relationship might be your bigger goals, in which case you could soften the ask, or make it clear that it’s OK to say no. I recently asked a colleague to give me feedback on something I had written. It was a last-minute request, and her time is valuable, so in my text message, I tacked on the words ‘please say no if you don’t have time’. I wanted to make sure she didn’t feel obliged to say yes under pressure, and it would have been fine if she couldn’t do it. But if my need had been more urgent, I might have chosen not to include those words.
Be as clear as possible about what you need
It’s usually best to keep your request simple and specific. Try not to be cagey or vague about what you are requesting – otherwise, the person you ask might feel defensive or worried about what they are agreeing to.
If you aren’t quite sure exactly what help you need, it could be useful to acknowledge that openly. For instance, if you are feeling anxious or depressed and turn to a family member for help, you might not yet know what kind of support you’re looking for. If that’s the case, try telling them that you aren’t sure how they can help you yet and ask if they might talk with you about what would be helpful. You can then figure it out together.
If the person you’re asking for help doesn’t know why you are requesting it, you can give the request some context and justification, but you don’t need to belabour it or try to convince the person. That might come across as a sales pitch or as pleading. Instead, simply state the reason behind the request. For instance, you could say to a neighbour: ‘I won’t get home until nine o’clock tomorrow night. Would you be willing to feed my dog and take her for a quick walk?’ Or, to a coworker: ‘I’m struggling to keep up on this project right now. Could you help me out by taking over this one part of it?’
There’s no need to apologise or minimise your request. Nor do you have to offer something in return. In fact, Heidi Grant, a social psychologist who researches the science of motivation, writes that focusing on reciprocity can backfire, ‘because people don’t like to be indebted to anyone or to engage in a purely transactional exchange’. Try to avoid disclaimers like: ‘I would normally never ask you for this, but…’ or emphasising how much the other person would get out of helping you. In the long run, trying to convince someone or push them into a corner can feel manipulative, and they might end up resenting it.
If someone agrees to help, let them – and receive it gratefully
The person you’ve asked for help has said yes. Great! Now what do you do? In some situations, you might need to provide further details or instructions; you can even offer to give the person a reminder or other kinds of support as they do what you have asked them to do. Otherwise, once someone takes on a task to help you, you need to let go of control. People don’t like to be micromanaged when they have offered to help.
With my independent streak, I sometimes struggle with this. I pick up my kids from school most days, my husband does so once or twice a week, and my mom does it occasionally. On the days when I’m not doing the pickup myself, I start to worry that the person who’s doing it will forget. I’ve been known to remind my mom or husband several times, and even check to make sure they’ve arrived on time. Not only does this show a lack of trust in my husband and my mother, who have never forgotten pickup before, it feels a little controlling to them. If I don’t give up control, they will never take full responsibility for the task. And feeling like I must track it creates a mental load that is stressful to me.
Perfectionism can be a problem for help-seekers, too: if you like things done a particular way, someone who is helping might not quite share your standards. But the benefits of getting help might be such that it’s worth loosening your grip.
After you receive the help, be sure to follow up by expressing appreciation. If the task they have completed is minor, a simple ‘Thank you’ will likely be good enough. If it’s a more substantial form of help, a gift or returned favour might be warranted. These responses will ensure that the person knows you are grateful for their help.
If the request is denied, consider other options
The person you ask for help might turn you down. That’s OK – it happens! Try not to take it personally or get discouraged from asking again. You might wonder if the person you asked is upset with you, or if the request offended them. But perhaps they are simply maxed out and the task would be too much. Accept the answer, let it go, and move on. You can still consider asking that person for help again another time.
Although a ‘no’ can be painful, it can also be an opportunity to gain insight into what you need and to think about alternatives for getting that need met. You might have to be flexible and pivot to a different source of help, or find creative solutions for meeting the need on your own.
Of course, we often have to ask more than one person before we find someone who is willing and able to help. If you get a ‘no’, consider whether this is a request you can make of someone else instead. If so, keeping in mind the guidelines above, go ahead and ask again.
