How to respond to offensive comments in a thoughtful way

Need to know

‘You don’t look Black.’

‘I’m so tired of hearing about she/they/them.’

‘Those people had it coming.’

‘You’re too fat to date.’

As a counselling psychologist, I have listened to thousands of people struggle with the difficult emotions that words like these can provoke. My clients have recounted various kinds of messages – delivered in person or online, overtly or indirectly – that told them there was something inferior about them or the people they care about, such as their skin colour, gender, body size, religion, intelligence, personality or some other salient characteristic.

Words like these often sting and sometimes linger in people’s minds even years later. You can probably recall some examples from your own life: comments that you found prejudiced and abusive, whether they were directed at you personally, at a group that you belong to, or at others (perhaps a group that a friend, peer or family member identifies with). You might have felt an urge, or even a moral obligation, to respond.

In the moment, though, hurtful and offensive words can catch you off guard. When the comment is made, you might not feel ready to respond in an intentional way. Instead, people often react in one of three ways in such situations: by freezing, fleeing or fighting.

Each of these reactions is understandable and adaptive in some situations. However, each has its disadvantages in this context. If you ‘freeze’ – paralysed by a feeling of threat, hoping it will go away – you might not respond to the comment at all, sacrificing your sense of agency and efficacy. If you ‘flee’, you might escape the immediate situation (eg, by leaving the room, or breaking off an online interaction), but you could lose your emotional footing and deprive yourself of the opportunity to face what you fear. And if you ‘fight’ (such as by yelling insults or even lashing out physically), you might be retaliating in a way that leads to even greater problems with the person who offended you, or with others. These three reactions can lead you to behave in ways that you’ll regret later.

What should you do instead? Rather than freezing, fleeing or fighting, I propose that you forge. Forging ahead is an intentional approach to engaging with people who say or write offensive, disparaging, insulting or discriminating words. It means leaning in and addressing the comment directly, from a grounded, genuine and courageous place. Forging can be personally empowering. And in an era when hate is on the rise, it’s important that each of us do our part to stand up to injustice, for ourselves and for others. Silence is toxic to the individual as well as to the collective.

Forging can happen in the moment – as soon as an offensive comment strikes you as something worth responding to – or it can be done at a later point in time. My clients, when they’ve applied this approach, have described feeling liberated, relieved and even physically lighter. They are proud of themselves for expressing their views clearly, and often they get to relinquish the guilt and shame that can accompany freezing, fleeing or fighting. So, let’s consider some ways to forge ahead in such situations, starting with how to decide when you want to practise this ‘fourth f’ in your life.

What to do

Check in with yourself

While my main aim here is to give you advice on how to respond to offensive and unjust comments, that is not always something you will decide to do. Each of us has limited time, energy and capacity.

If you’re unsure about whether to engage with someone over what they’ve said, I suggest you consider whether the following things are true for you:

• It is very important to speak up about this.
• I am up for the risks involved in speaking up.
• I have enough energy to speak up.
• I will regret it if I don’t say something.
• Speaking up will be empowering for me.
• I’m open to the possibility that it might not turn out how I hope.
• I can handle it if this person is not receptive to my words.

If you have time, you can even rate these statements on a scale of 1 to 5, from ‘strongly disagree’ to ‘strongly agree’, with 3 being neutral. If you would rate most of these at 3 or higher, this is a sign you’re ready to move forward. Otherwise, you might want to wait and consult with a trusted person in your life about whether it makes sense to respond.

You won’t always know someone else’s intention in making a comment, but you do know the impact it has on you. If it landed the wrong way, that is enough to warrant bringing it up. You can assume good will (if there is no indication or history of malice) while also deciding to address what someone said to you.

It’s important to note that those of us from marginalised communities may be burnt out from repeatedly responding to the -isms coming at us online, from politicians, at work or school, or in our relationships. If this includes you, there might be times when you need to take a break. And if you are considering speaking up to someone who has power over you (such as a supervisor, an elder, or a teacher), the risk might be even greater. You can engage if and when you feel ready.

Consider what your goal is

If you decide that you are ready to forge ahead and respond to the person who’s said something offensive, it’s helpful to identify your aim. Bringing awareness and intentionality to your response increases the likelihood that you will feel content with what transpires.

For example, you might consider whether any of these goals resonate with you:

• I want to stand up for myself.
• I want to share a different perspective.
• I want to support someone I care about.
• I want to stand up for a marginalised group.
• I want to challenge injustices I witness.

Another decision point involves whether you will speak up in the moment or at a later point in time. Similarly, will you share your concerns in a public setting where others can hear the exchange? Or will you do it in private? Your chosen goal will influence how you answer these questions.

The advantage of responding in the moment is that there is an immediate consequence to what the other person has said – they get real-time feedback about the intentional or unintentional impact of their words. If you are standing up for yourself, you will likely feel empowered and relieved to reply in the moment. Pros of waiting and responding later include additional time to think through how you want to broach the subject and what exactly you want to say. Pausing and responding later may be especially effective when your goal is to share a different perspective, since delivery and word choice influence how well a message is received.

Public responses have the benefit of letting other people, who might have also found a comment offensive, know that the ‘bystander effect’ did not win out – that someone did, in fact, step in and say something. When others see you do this, that may inspire them to speak up, too. Responding to comments in public is therefore often a good fit when your goal is to challenge injustice. The positive side of addressing things privately is that there is less risk of shaming, reactivity or defensiveness.

If you are thinking of standing up for someone else who is present (eg, if you’re an able-bodied person and hear an offensive comment about someone with a disability), it’s worth pausing, if possible, to check whether that person would welcome your intervention. When in doubt, ask. ‘I noticed what so-and-so said; would you like some support?’ Or: ‘I’m extremely bothered by what just happened. How are you doing? Would it be OK with you if I said something?’

Practise a breathing exercise to ground yourself

People often freeze up, flee an interaction, or get into fighting mode because strong emotions have taken over. To help build your courage and ground yourself enough to respond to someone’s comments in a meaningful way, practise this breathing exercise regularly. As my former supervisor, the psychologist Scott Case, used to teach: ‘You cannot feel calm and panicked at the same time – it’s just physiologically not possible.’

Step 1: choose a word that feels the best to you. It could be ‘peace’, ‘calm’, ‘relaxation’, ‘courage’ or something else.

Step 2: take a deep breath through your nose; inhale the largest breath you comfortably can, so that your lungs fill up with oxygen. As you breathe in, imagine inhaling what you chose in step 1. For example, if you chose ‘calm’, visualise breathing in a sense of calm. If you chose ‘courage’, imagine inviting in the essence of courage with each inhale. You can close your eyes while breathing or gently gaze at a focal point, such as a plant or a picture on the wall.

Step 3: pause intentionally before you exhale, so you’re distinguishing between the in-breath and out-breath.

Step 4: exhale through your mouth. The exhale is an opportunity to temporarily release anything that you want to let go of. Imagine exhaling out any fear, anger or stress you are feeling. (If you use this exercise prior to speaking up about someone’s comments, you can picture breathing out anything you feel is hindering you from pursuing your goal. This might include things like emotional pain, fatigue, defensiveness, perfectionism or procrastination.)

Step 5: repeat steps 2 to 4, replacing the fear, anger and other barriers inside you with feelings of calm, courage, peace or relaxation.

Try this breathing exercise when you are in the shower, when you’re in line at the store, when you are about to go to sleep, and/or during other parts of your routine. Integrating this exercise into your life is a small way to become more grounded on a daily basis, so that you are more ready if offensive remarks come your way. You can also practise it immediately before you respond to an offensive comment, if you have time. It will help regulate your nervous system, which will make you better prepared to forge ahead.

Anchor yourself in your values

Your values are principles that reflect what is important in your life. They can play an important role in guiding decisions. Take some time now to reflect: what values might guide you as you make tough choices, like deciding to speak up? What are the core values you grew up with? Some common examples include:

• compassion
• courage
• faith
• forgiveness
• generosity
• gratitude
• honesty
• justice
• love
• loyalty
• perseverance
• respect

If you could pick only 2-3 values to base your life on, what would they be? Keep these top values front and centre. Your core values will give you strength to forge ahead when you’re not sure you can keep going. If faith is one of your core values (such as faith in a higher power, faith in yourself, or faith that things will work out), anchoring yourself in your faith will help you move outside your comfort zone to address a difficult topic with someone else. Or if honesty is a key value, your belief in honesty will guide you to speak openly and directly.

If you’d like some support in strengthening your relationship to your core values, try this imagery exercise:

Imagine you are in a quiet forest. There are tall, strong trees all around you. You soak in the sounds, sights and smells of nature. As you walk through the forest, you come to a gift-wrapped box with your name on it. You are surprised to see it in this setting. As you open the box, it appears empty at first. As you look closer, however, you see your value of [insert your value here]. What does it look like? What does it feel like? Notice its colour, size, texture.

You carry your value with you as you continue onward. As you walk, you begin to feel different – more grounded, relaxed and comfortable with yourself. Your value will stay with you as long as you need it. Knowing this, you feel even more confident and hopeful.

Use the Why-Me-Ask technique

Backed by your values, and with your goal in mind, you’ll be ready to speak up. Effective wording will make it more likely that your point gets heard and that it results in change. The Why-Me-Ask technique is a word formula for communicating genuinely, clearly and impactfully.

Why-Me-Ask is a critical component of the Kim Constructive Conversations Model, which the psychologist Anatasia Kim and I wrote about in our book It’s Time to Talk (and Listen) (2019). Why-Me-Ask communicates several things to the person you are talking to:

• Why you are choosing to respond to this person (the ‘Why’). What about this particular person and your relationship with them would you like to highlight? Are they a hard-working parent? A coworker you respect? In a case where you don’t have a relationship with them, which of your values is helping to guide your exchange? Is it respecting others? Assuming good intentions? Prizing honesty?
• The impact the offensive comment had on you (‘Me’ – or my experience). What about your specific experience, thoughts or feelings do you want to share?
• A direct request (the ‘Ask’). What do you want the other person to do or not do? You might not receive it; however, articulate the change you would want to see. Often, the change you are hoping for is anchored in your values.

The order of Why-Me-Ask is fluid and the parts can be interchanged as you see fit. In any event, this approach helps you take action. Here are some quick examples of how you might use Why-Me-Ask in particular circumstances:

• In person: ‘You are an important person in my life [Why]. Because I care about you, I want to be honest. That racial slur you used feels very hurtful, because _____ [Me]. Could you commit to me that you won’t use that word? [Ask]’
• On social media: ‘I strongly disagree with what you’ve written, because _____ [Me]. I think what we write in online forums has a real impact, which is why I’m replying here for all to see [Why]. I request that you reconsider the impact of what you’ve written, and even edit or update your post.’ [Ask]

The Why-Me-Ask technique can sometimes be challenging. One way to get the support and motivation you need to carry it out is to find a partner you can practise it with. Telling them about the Why-Me-Ask approach (or sharing this Guide with them), you can come up with a hypothetical scenario in which your partner has said something objectionable – and then walk through what you might say in response.

Reflect on how it went

Once you say something, you don’t have control over what comes next. Best-case scenario, the person responds positively. However, if they react with defensiveness, anger, or in another negative way, remember why you spoke up in the first place. You took a risk and did what you could to live according to your values.

Finish where you began – by checking in with yourself. How do you feel after speaking up? Perhaps you feel relieved and liberated? Or you might feel drained. If the latter is the case, it’s time to refill your cup:

• Give yourself credit. No matter the outcome, the act of forging is worth acknowledgement. You deserve a pat on the back for engaging and speaking up.
• Soothe through the senses. Listen to a favourite song that calms you. Light a scented candle that fills the room. Massage your hands with lotion. Enjoy the colours of a tree, plant or flowers. Do whatever helps you, personally, to self-soothe.
• Share what happened. Speak with your partner (from the previous step) or another trusted person in your life. Sharing how you’ve responded to a challenging situation with trusted others builds a sense of community.
• Write it down. Writing down your feelings and thoughts about what happened will allow you to further express yourself. Be honest with yourself about what went well and what didn’t. Going back to your writing over time can help you continue to grow from the experience.

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