I’m trying a different approach to listening

Two colourful birds on a branch one with wings spread against a blurred background.

Lately, I’ve been trying to be a better listener by using Carl Rogers’s technique of ‘unconditional positive regard’ (UPR), an idea I learned about on a recent psychology course. UPR refers to nonjudgmental acceptance of, and care for, a person – regardless of whether you agree with the things they say, think and do. It doesn’t suggest that you ignore or permit harmful behaviour, only that an individual should not have conditions they need to meet for them to be worthy of warmth and support.

When I first heard about UPR, it struck me that one reason it might be so powerful is that we very rarely come across this nonjudgmental approach in our daily lives. From socialising to contributing in meetings, it can often feel as though we’re being assessed in various ways. I thought about how comforting it is when you know you’re being held in a positive regard that isn’t going to waver, even if you have an off day or make an error – and whether this was something I could more intentionally foster for the people around me.

In practice, this has meant resisting the urge to jump in with advice, which I’ve noticed is often infused with judgment, and attempting to listen without necessarily looking for a solution. It’s revealed more of my own biases and thought patterns – such as the way I sometimes default to ‘I would/wouldn’t have done X’, rather than understanding where the other person is coming from. It’s meant asking more questions and being increasingly mindful of my nonverbal communication, such as avoiding facial expressions that communicate surprise or disagreement. Granted, I fail every day to uphold the aims of UPR, but the process of attempting it has increased my capacity for compassion – and a happy side-effect is that I seem to judge myself a little less now, too.

by Molly Williamson

FIND OUT MORE

The Psyche Idea ‘Why Listening Well Can Make Disagreements Less Damaging’ (2024) by Guy Itzchakov provides a summary of research showing how high-quality listening, incorporating a nonjudgmental approach, can reduce extremist and prejudiced views, encouraging more nuanced and complex beliefs.

For a reflective personal account on using Rogers’s theories to become a better listener, try the Aeon Essay ‘The Art of Listening’ (2022) by M M Owen.


So what if Nike’s neuro shoes are a placebo?

Listen to this article

Photo of red and grey trainers levitating, showcasing textured soles with orange accents on a light background.

Nike has just released its first ever range of ‘mind-altering’ shoes. Its glitzy marketing campaign features a chief science officer, brain scan results and dramatic music. The shoes, which have an array of bobbles (sorry, ‘nodes’) on their soles, promise to help connect your body with your brain and tune you in to the present moment. I’m sceptical about the scientific claims, but I’m impressed by the storytelling.

In medicine, it’s well known that positive expectations about an intervention, even an inert one, can produce real physiological benefits – this is the placebo effect. As the neuroscientist and placebo expert Fabrizio Benedetti explained in his paper ‘Placebos and Movies: What Do They Have in Common?’ (2021) , it is the therapeutic rituals around a placebo treatment that magnify its effects. White coats, needles, pill colours, authoritative reassurance – all these factors can trigger associations that contribute to a patient’s belief that a treatment will work.

I’m reminded of Nathan Hill’s satirical novel Wellness (2023), in which the psychologist Elizabeth starts out investigating products that make dubious claims, but comes to realise the effects are real even if they’re purely a placebo. The key to their success is the ‘story surrounding the thing’, she observes; later, she becomes a consultant for multinational corporations, helping them to craft convincing fictions.

I suspect this is exactly what Nike has done with its new range of shoes. They’ve created an elaborate, compelling narrative tailored for an athletic audience looking to gain an edge: a ‘Mind Science Department’ staffed with neuroscientists who have developed shoes that ‘disengage the default mode network’ and engage the ‘sensorimotor network of the brain’. Is any of it real? The remarkable thing about the placebo effect – and Nike’s canny marketing exploits this fully – is that it doesn’t really matter.

by Christian Jarrett

FIND OUT MORE

Even knowing that these new shoes might be relying on a placebo effect probably won’t dull any benefits. Research suggests that so-called open-label placebos – in which patients are told they are receiving a placebo – are still effective, as explained in this Psyche Idea by Darwin A Guevarra and Kari A Leibowitz. (And regardless, the Nike Mind 001 ‘pregame mules’ do look awfully comfy!)

There is a long tradition of marketing teams exploiting the allure of neuroscience to sell products. Why not wear your Nike Mind mules while sipping on a glass of NeuroSonic?


NOTE TO SELFOCD

Forever compelled

Listen to this article

Woman in historical dress washing her hands with water poured by a child from a jug, with onlookers in an ornate interior setting.

Having a history with obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), I’ve long found it fascinating and, in a way, reassuring to read about the disorder’s many guises. The anxious thoughts and compulsive responses to them follow a common script, but the specifics vary. What seems horrible to one person with OCD, such as using a restroom without extensively washing their hands, might seem innocuous to the next person, who’s preoccupied by something completely different (such as worrying and repeatedly testing whether doors are locked, or having ‘bad thoughts’ and scrutinising what they mean). Reflecting on this merry-go-round of fears tells you something about the true nature of your specific, seemingly terrible fear.

A book I recently read showed me another dimension of this multiplicity – stretching it backward in time. In portions of Can’t Just Stop: An Investigation of Compulsions (2017), the late science journalist Sharon Begley surveys compulsions of the past. Based on rare historical accounts, she writes, it seems that ‘until the late seventeenth century, [compulsions] were seen as evidence of Satan’s hand and addressed by clergymen.’ Some of them featured the scrupulosity that still appears in many OCD cases today – for example, compulsively praying, fearing you’ve not done it right.

But other variants emerged in the record. A Renaissance-era physician described a patient who felt compelled to wash her clothes after touching things. Later, Begley writes, changes such as the spread of household stoves encouraged compulsive checking (eg, checking and rechecking whether you left the stovetop or oven on, a well-recognised pattern today). In what sounds a lot like an OCD compulsion, the 18th-century writer Samuel Johnson would reportedly touch each lamppost as he walked down the street, ensuring he didn’t miss any. The disorder took on new faces, and the explanations for it evolved. But its insidious power appears to be age-old.

by Matt Huston

FIND OUT MORE

For an excellent, concise description of OCD and ‘scrupulosity’ in particular, read Jesse Summers’s Psyche Idea ‘Why Won’t the Sin Wash Away? When Thinking Ethically Goes Awry’ (2020).

Nick Wignall’s Psyche Guide on ‘How to Deal With Troubling Thoughts’ (2020) offers advice for handling the intrusive, unwanted thoughts that are a common feature of OCD.

The International OCD Foundation lists many of the common types of obsessions and compulsions and has a series of articles on subtypes of OCD.


NOTE TO SELFLOVE

It’s a gift to share reality with someone

Listen to this article

My partner and I say, unjokingly, that if it weren’t for dating apps we never would have met. We’re different in many ways, with divergent backgrounds, interests, musical tastes and social-media diets. While our differences meant we needed help getting together, staying together has been easy – perhaps because we have something that researchers have deemed valuable in relationships: a ‘shared reality’.

Psychology researchers define a shared reality as the perception that you share with another person many of the same feelings, attitudes and beliefs about the world. If, for example, you and a partner discuss a horror movie you’ve watched together, and it turns out that you both found particular parts scary and other bits a little silly, you’d feel a sense of shared reality about this movie. It’s the impression that the other person is seeing what you’re seeing and that you’re processing it in a similar way. This can apply to all sorts of shared experiences.

Previous research has shown that having a shared reality is related to greater relationship satisfaction and commitment. Most recently, researchers found that romantic partners who experienced a higher sense of a shared reality tended to report a greater sense of meaning in life. They also reported feeling less uncertainty when faced with stressful life and world events.

For me, it’s reassuring to have someone whose experience of the world overlaps with mine – especially in moments when I doubt my own reading of a situation. When someone’s humour at a party doesn’t sit right with me but rouses rounds of laughter, that incongruence and self-doubt can feel uncomfortable. When my partner, unprompted, later admits he didn’t enjoy it either, we both sigh in relief and talk about why. It’s a grounding process, one that confirms, time after time, that neither of us is alone in seeing things the way we do.

by Hannah Seo

FIND OUT MORE

Want to get better at showing that you have a sense of what someone is feeling? It’s a skill you can practise. To learn more, check out Psyche’s Guide on ‘How to Make Someone Feel Seen and Heard’ (2025), by Caroline Fleck.

Going beyond surface-level conversations with a friend or partner provides new opportunities to feel understood, as Lucy Foulkes explains in her Guide on ‘How to Have More Meaningful Conversations’ (2021).


A painting that captures perfectionism

Listen to this article

Unfinished painting of a man with white hair in a dark coat against a brown background on a textured canvas.

Whenever I take on a complex task – in my case, usually writing – I struggle to work fast and with abandon. Perhaps it’s because I’m an editor: every sentence must be crafted and justified. When this happens, one particular painting comes to mind. It reminds me how not to get things done, because it seems the artist spent too much time perfecting, not enough time completing. At least, so it appears.

The painting is an unfinished portrait of George Washington, the first president of the United States, by Gilbert Stuart in 1796. Known as the Athenaeum portrait, it was used as the basis for Washington’s face on the $1 bill. Not knowing its history, I have long liked to imagine that Stuart was similarly afflicted. I picture him starting with a perfect likeness of Washington’s head, but, in his tinkering, never getting around to the body.

With this image in mind, I try to pivot my approach closer to how a child might paint: messy splodges, working the pigment into shapes and forms, unconcerned with perfection. Finish first, edit later.

It turns out the truth behind the Athenaeum portrait is not what I assumed. Commissioned by the first lady Martha Washington, Stuart didn’t deliver the painting because he wanted to keep it. Before cameras, the partial image let him have Washington’s likeness in his studio to copy and sell. He supposedly called those duplicates his ‘hundred-dollar bills’.

Maybe Stuart wasn’t a perfectionist after all – rather, a pragmatist who knew when something was ‘good enough’ to serve its purpose. Perhaps that’s the real art of finishing: knowing when to stop, even if the work feels incomplete.

Sadly, I can’t print money from my own incomplete work. And if I want to publish this piece, I will need an ending; something that speaks of how to get a job done. [Insert satisfying final sentence here.]

by Richard Fisher

FIND OUT MORE

For an in-depth exploration of perfectionism, read the Psyche Guide ‘How to Get Over “Never Good Enough”’ (2020) by Margaret Rutherford.

Perfectionists are especially prone to sleep problems. To learn more, check out the Psyche Guide ‘How to Sleep When You’re a Perfectionist’ (2024) by Nick Wignall.

Explore more

Photo of a rural road with a steep hill warning sign marked 1:4 surrounded by green landscape under a blue sky.

How to take the high road

When someone provokes you, it’s easy to react without thinking. Learn to slow down and respond in ways you’ll be proud of

by Alissa Hebbeln & Russell Kolts

Photo of two smiling people in waterproof jackets on a rainy beach, grey skies in the background.

How to make someone feel seen and heard

Validation skills are not only useful for therapists. Learn them and you’ll improve your personal and work relationships

by Caroline Fleck

Abstract painting with geometric shapes: coloured circles and black lines on a white background.

How to change your self-limiting beliefs

Let Descartes, Kant and other philosophers help you view the world through a more positive filter and you’ll bloom

by Rebecca Roache

Photo of a man playing guitar in a sunlit room with wooden walls a stool with plants nearby and a view outside the window.

Self-compassion is not self-indulgence: here’s how to try it

Contrary to popular belief, it’s not self-indulgent to practise self-compassion. In fact, it helps you to care for others

by Christina Chwyl

Photo of two women and a man arguing animatedly in a crowded outdoor setting with trees in the background.

Argue better by signalling your receptiveness with these words

All too often disagreements spiral into conflict. Prevent that happening by signalling your receptiveness with these words

by Michael Yeomans

Photo of a bustling outdoor market with people browsing plants and stalls lined along brick buildings under a cloudy sky.

The surprising way to tackle prejudice in the real world

The good news is there are many effective anti-prejudice interventions, but the most promising remains relatively unknown

by Wing Hsieh

Photo of three women talking through open windows, showing interaction between apartments in a residential building.

Improve your relationships with the science of perspective-taking

Social psychology research is breaking down the process of perspective-taking and revealing ways to help us get along better

by Hunter Gehlbach

Photo of a crowded London Underground train with passengers standing and sitting, holding onto poles and looking at phones.

How to ask for help

You’re not weak or lazy – everyone needs support. Follow these steps to learn when to reach out, who to go to and what to say

by Debbie Sorensen