I’m trying a different approach to listening

Two colourful birds on a branch one with wings spread against a blurred background.

Lately, I’ve been trying to be a better listener by using Carl Rogers’s technique of ‘unconditional positive regard’ (UPR), an idea I learned about on a recent psychology course. UPR refers to nonjudgmental acceptance of, and care for, a person – regardless of whether you agree with the things they say, think and do. It doesn’t suggest that you ignore or permit harmful behaviour, only that an individual should not have conditions they need to meet for them to be worthy of warmth and support.

When I first heard about UPR, it struck me that one reason it might be so powerful is that we very rarely come across this nonjudgmental approach in our daily lives. From socialising to contributing in meetings, it can often feel as though we’re being assessed in various ways. I thought about how comforting it is when you know you’re being held in a positive regard that isn’t going to waver, even if you have an off day or make an error – and whether this was something I could more intentionally foster for the people around me.

In practice, this has meant resisting the urge to jump in with advice, which I’ve noticed is often infused with judgment, and attempting to listen without necessarily looking for a solution. It’s revealed more of my own biases and thought patterns – such as the way I sometimes default to ‘I would/wouldn’t have done X’, rather than understanding where the other person is coming from. It’s meant asking more questions and being increasingly mindful of my nonverbal communication, such as avoiding facial expressions that communicate surprise or disagreement. Granted, I fail every day to uphold the aims of UPR, but the process of attempting it has increased my capacity for compassion – and a happy side-effect is that I seem to judge myself a little less now, too.

by Molly Williamson

FIND OUT MORE

The Psyche Idea ‘Why Listening Well Can Make Disagreements Less Damaging’ (2024) by Guy Itzchakov provides a summary of research showing how high-quality listening, incorporating a nonjudgmental approach, can reduce extremist and prejudiced views, encouraging more nuanced and complex beliefs.

For a reflective personal account on using Rogers’s theories to become a better listener, try the Aeon Essay ‘The Art of Listening’ (2022) by M M Owen.


NOTE TO SELFPERSONALITY

What style of curiosity do you practise?

A man stands in a modern room looking at a large pink sculpture of tentacles outside the window.

Is there more than one kind of curiosity? I found myself reflecting on this after reading a recent study about different curiosity styles. An analysis of 483,000 Wikipedia users found that people pursue their curiosity in three ways. Some browse articles as ‘hunters’, targeting ‘specific answers in a projectile path’, and their interests are more likely to be in science and technology. Others are nomadic ‘busybodies’, who explore more, building broad, loose networks of knowledge; they gravitate toward arts, culture and the humanities.

A third group are the ‘dancers’ – a little harder to define, they tend to leap ‘in creative breaks with tradition across typically siloed areas of knowledge’, taking an unstructured and inventive approach to information-seeking, across radically different subjects.

This made me wonder what kind of curious I am. When I’m reporting as a science journalist, I tend to adopt the ‘hunter’ style. This helps me meet deadlines, but am I missing out on the serendipity of discovering knowledge like the busybody or the dancer? I’d like to believe I’m curious about the world, but realising that other people’s curiosity might be more nomadic or creative gives me pause.

Another downside to the hunter style is that it’s associated with what’s called ‘deprivation curiosity’. This is the desire to banish the discomforts of uncertainty and lack of knowledge. It can lead people to accept easy answers or false facts. It also correlates with overconfidence in one’s worldview, and lower wellbeing. I hope I’m not motivated by deprivation curiosity when I’m hunting knowledge, but I can’t guarantee that’s always true.

The psychologist William James described curiosity as ‘the impulse towards better cognition’. If I take his words and the Wikipedia study to heart, perhaps I ought to be more curious about my curiosity.

by Richard Fisher

FIND OUT MORE

Dive deeper into the psychology and neuroscience of curiosity in this open-access review paper by Celeste Kidd and Benjamin Hayden. It explores what’s known to scientists about the function, evolution and neural mechanisms of curiosity – and what unanswered questions remain.

Read the Psyche Idea ‘This Is How to Nurture Curiosity in Children (and Yourself)’ (2023) by Shayla Love, to discover how to foster a curious mindset in the young people in your life.


NOTE TO SELFSLEEP AND DREAMS

The ancients dreamt the same dreams as us

Marble statue of a sleeping man with curly hair lying on fabric, arm draped over his head.

There is a special kind of boredom that comes from listening to people talk about their dreams, so I’ll spare you. It’s enough to relay that I was being relentlessly chased by a rather large and ornery capybara, and that the incident was extremely trying. Then, a couple days later, I came across a passage in E R Dodds’s classic The Greeks and the Irrational (1951) that really made me laugh. Homer, or the bards he represents, clearly suffered from the same anxiety-inducing nightmare of being chased as I did – as we all do – because he describes an event in the Iliad like this: ‘as in a dream one flees and another cannot pursue him – the one cannot stir to escape, nor the other to pursue him – so Achilles could not overtake Hector in running, nor Hector escape him.’

Those moments of recognition across gulfs of time and culture are always affirming. No matter our differences, we’re all afflicted by the same dreamy frustration of trying to get away. But, as usually happens with the ancients, recognition swiftly gives way to strangeness. Dodds says that the Greeks often took their dreams to be messages from the gods, in which an authoritative personage is dispatched to inform the dreamer what’s going to happen or what needs to be done. Homer himself naturally became a common emissary, telling Socrates the date of his death and giving Alexander the Great some much-needed encouragement.

Given how demented dreams seem when reviewed in the light of day, I’m glad that they aren’t likely to be missives from the higher-ups. But it’s still a comforting thought that, regardless of how we interpret our dreams, all of us take a nightly sojourn into the phantasmagoric realms – and wake up wondering what the hell it all means.

by Sam Dresser

FIND OUT MORE

Read the Psyche Idea ‘What Dream Characters Reveal About the Astonishing Dreaming Brain’ (2021) by the sleep researcher and psychologist Antonia Zadra, who describes some of the remarkable cognitive abilities of dream characters, and delves into the reasons why we evolved to dream at all.

Try out ‘Five Ways to Take Control of Your Dreams’ (2023) by my colleague Christian Jarrett, whose tips guide you towards the virtual reality-like experience of lucid dreaming, in which you can have a degree of control over what happens when you dream.


The voices that stick in our minds

Black and white photo of an older man who is Christopher Walken in a suit gesturing while speaking into a microphone.

The sound of Christopher Walken’s voice is so embedded in my memory that it takes hardly any time to place it, even when it comes from the mouth of, say, a squirrel in a TV ad. Few celebrity voices are easier to recognise – or inspire more imitations – than his.

Is there some intrinsic quality that makes voices such as Walken’s especially memorable, whether they’re famous or not? While my own voice probably melts into the background for most who hear it, when I think of highly recognisable voices, some ordinary people spring to mind: a sixth-grade teacher, my cross-country coach, etc. Maybe others who heard them felt the same way.

Wilma Bainbridge and her colleagues had already found that some faces are more memorable than others – more likely to be recognised not just by one observer or another, but by people generally. The same has been found for objects, words and works of art. In a recent set of studies, Bainbridge, Cambria Revsine and Esther Goldberg at the University of Chicago explored whether voices differ in their memorability as well.

Thousands of participants listened to a series of clips: a procession of different voices that each spoke the same words (eg, ‘Don’t ask me to carry an oily rag like that’). The listeners’ job was to report when the same voice was repeated. Their success rates allowed the researchers to find out whether certain voices were more memorable on the whole.

Some voices were, indeed, stickier than others. The team also found evidence that quantifiable voice characteristics, such as the base pitch and speed, were collectively predictive of voice memorability. These results raise the possibility, the researchers say, that: ‘Tools could be developed to enhance the features that contribute to voice memorability’ – making a not-so-memorable voice, perhaps, a bit more Walkenesque.

by Matt Huston

FIND OUT MORE

The Psyche Guide ‘How to Find Your Voice’ (2023) describes practical techniques for vocalising more comfortably and confidently.

The documentary I Know That Voice (2013) looks at the work of actors such as Pamela Adlon, Phil LaMarr and Tom Kenny (the voice of SpongeBob SquarePants), whose job it is to create memorable voices.


NOTE TO SELFWORK AND VOCATION

Don’t fall victim to the Peter Principle

A man with white hair in a suit sitting at the head of an empty boardroom table, facing forward, back toward the camera. Dozens of empty chairs line the outer edges of the room; windows at the rear of the room show trees outside.

It’s fun stumbling upon psychological concepts in unexpected places. I remember first learning about the Johari Window (an obscure framework for thinking about the limits of self-knowledge) in the Robert Galbraith novel The Cuckoo’s Calling (2013). It happened again the other day. I was enjoying the action thriller Nobody’s Hero (2024) by M W Craven – my middle-aged version of brain rot – when the hero Ben Koenig invoked the ‘Peter Principle’ – the idea that people tend to get promoted to the point of maximum incompetence.

Koenig is already a curious character for anyone interested in psychology. He has Urbach-Wiethe disease, which has calcified his right amygdala – apparently rendering him incapable of feeling fear (a handy attribute for an action hero). By dint of his training with various special forces, he’s also a repository of fun psychological wisdom, such as the Peter Principle, which he draws on to explain why the assassins have chosen to murder a bunch of mid-ranking infrastructure experts, rather than their superiors.

I checked it out, and the Peter Principle is a genuine concept that originated with a bestselling, semi-satirical book of the same name in 1969, co-written by two Canadians, the educationalist Laurence J Peter and the playwright Raymond Hull. There’s a simple logic to their idea – you keep performing well, you keep getting promoted, until you reach a managerial role at which you struggle and so you don’t get promoted again. Various studies have confirmed there’s a truth to the logic, at least in the context of sales, the military and academia.

I’m going to add the Peter Principle to my mental dictionary of psychological concepts – and use it as a reminder not to rest on my laurels. We can’t assume that the skills and knowledge that served us well in the past will be enough for whatever challenges we face in the future.

by Christian Jarrett

FIND OUT MORE

The article ‘The Reason Why People Become Incompetent at Work’ (2020) by David Robson discusses the Peter Principle in more detail.

The Psyche Guide ‘How to Get Promoted as a Woman’ (2020) by Jan Hills offers practical advice specifically geared towards female employees.

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