For some of us who have survived abusive relationships, the descent into abuse was gradual. A partner’s words and actions might have slowly gotten worse and worse, until the relationship was no longer recognisable. In other cases, it might have seemed as if the person was ‘the one’ until, at some point, everything just flipped. Regardless of how any survivor found themselves trapped in an abusive relationship, it took a lot of strength to decide to leave. People often don’t appreciate the hurdles you have to jump in order to make it out safely.
So when survivors think about ‘getting back out there’ and dating new people – well, that can be scary after any kind of relationship. For those who’ve been subjected to physical or emotional abuse by a partner (also known as domestic violence, or intimate partner violence), the early stages of dating often feel especially unnerving.
Many have had their love and devotion used against them before. Between dysregulated nervous systems and experience with manipulation and gaslighting, they often feel disoriented and struggle with trusting new people. It can be hard to tell what counts as a ‘red flag’ on a date, what’s a reasonable display of affection, and what a ‘normal’ pace is for a new relationship. Walking into the dating field can feel like navigating a minefield.
If any of this reflects your experience, then the dating process that you’re considering, or have already begun, may be daunting. Many survivors left an abusive relationship feeling shattered, with their self-esteem and confidence eroded – I’ve heard some refer to themselves as ‘damaged goods’. Many feel as if they are unworthy of love or that they are incapable of selecting a safe, loving partner. But it is most certainly possible to find connection after abuse. What I’ve seen through my work with survivors over the past decade – and what I know from my own experience – is that if you want to find love again, you can. Safe, healthy love unfolds when you have emotional capacity and the desire to explore it.
Some people might tell you that you need to completely ‘move on’, ‘get over’ or heal from what you’ve endured before you can think about dating again. That advice can feel infantilising. It can also feed into a painful, incorrect belief that there is something that makes you undeserving of love. But you do deserve love, even if you still have difficult feelings about your previous relationship. Many survivors grieve the love they’ve lost; some grieve the person they thought their partner was. Many are trying to dissolve a trauma bond, process painful memories, and restart their lives. The process is not the same for everyone. While it is never a bad idea to take some time to direct your attention inward, it’s for you to decide what you’re ready for romantically, and when.
Wanting connection makes you human.And you can actually learn a lot about yourself from dating. It can teach you about your likes, dislikes and current emotional needs. You can learn to trust in yourself more – to trust that you know what is best for you. If you’re interested in venturing out, this Guide will give you practical advice for navigating the early stages. We’ll explore how to clarify what you want, increase your sense of safety, and build trust again as you re-enter the dating world.
Key points
Dating again can be daunting for survivors of abuse. Trusting others can be challenging, and it’s important to go at your own speed. But you deserve connection just as much as anyone.
Think about what you want in a relationship. Look out for ‘red flags’, but also explore your own ‘green flags’ to guide you to people who aren’t just good, but are a good fit for you.
Treat dating as a form of self-discovery. As you meet new people, ask yourself how you feel about being vulnerable with them, and other questions, to explore what you like and need.
Reconnect with your intuition. Pay attention to what your body is telling you. Discomfort with a dating situation could be a sign to take a breather.
Practise setting boundaries. By setting small limits early on, you can explore how it feels to assert your needs, wants and expectations.
Move at a pace that feels comfortable to you. Genuine trust and connection take time. If you’re not ready for a next step, let the other person know.
Stay connected to your community. If you are unsure how to feel about an experience you have while dating, seek the perspective of someone you trust.
Keep taking care of yourself. Dating can be stressful as well as joyful, so treat yourself with compassion and make time for activities that help you feel safe and grounded.
Think about what you want in a relationship
There’s a lot of discussion among survivors about ‘red flags’, such as controlling behaviour, intimidation or pressure to move quickly and do things you’re not comfortable with. Without a doubt, it is invaluable to be able to identify warning signs that it’s time to shut down a relationship when it seems likely to be headed in a harmful direction.
But looking out for red flags gets you only so far in terms of navigating the dating field and finding someone who is genuinely good for you. Survivors often leave their previous relationships feeling like they can’t trust their own judgment. It’s common to struggle with knowing what you actually like. Say you’re not seeing any red flags; does that mean you just keep seeing someone? If you’re focused only on what you don’t want, how do you know what you actually do want?
I encourage survivors to begin to explore their own personal ‘green flags’. Maybe you know you want someone who shows strong communication skills, for example, or who demonstrates a sense of compassion for others. This information is just as valuable to keep in mind as you branch out. It can help you recognise someone who is not only a good person, but also a good fit.
Consider, too, your ‘non-negotiables’. What do you absolutely need in a relationship? What are you unwilling to do in a relationship? What is a ‘hard no’ for you? Examples of things that are non-negotiable for you might include needing to feel heard; needing to have someone who will make time for you; or needing a partner to actively prioritise their mental health.
Dating isn’t only about knowing what to avoid, it’s also about assessing what is right for you. This can be your north star as you navigate the dating world.
Treat dating as a form of self-discovery
Depending on how long it’s been since you last dated, there’s a lot you can learn about yourself. I think it can be helpful to look at the early stages of dating as a form of information-gathering. That can include asking yourself things like:
How do I feel around this person?
Can I hold on to my sense of self within this connection? Or am I starting to lose touch with my needs and wants?
What thoughts and feelings come up for me when I explore the idea of being vulnerable with this person?
These are just a few examples of the questions you can ask as you meet new people. Each time you connect with someone is an opportunity to learn more about what you like and what doesn’t work for you.
Reconnect with your intuition
The survivors I work with often share that one of their greatest challenges is trusting their intuition again. Many feel that it led them astray in their previous relationship. So how, they wonder, could they possibly rely on their own judgment now? A common experience is struggling to determine whether they can trust someone or not. If you’re dealing with the lasting impacts of abuse, it can be hard to distinguish anxiety about something benign from a signal that something is wrong.
Rather than getting stuck there, I find it can be helpful to shift the focus to exploring your somatic experience, and using that to inform what you do next. You can ask yourself: What is my body trying to tell me right now? How does my body feel in this person’s presence? This can often give you all the information you need. Whether the cause of the feeling is the other person or not, you can get curious about how you feel about dating right now. If you’re finding it difficult to feel physically comfortable in someone’s presence, that might be an indication that your body just isn’t feeling safe in the situation – regardless of how trustworthy or compatible that person is. When that’s the case, there is nothing wrong with stepping back to take a breather and revisiting the possibility of seeing someone later.
Practise setting boundaries
Many abusive relationships have zero boundaries (ie, agreed-upon limits on acceptable behaviour and expectations), or rather survivors get punished when trying to assert any. Setting boundaries can be really scary after you’ve been in such a relationship. But by setting small boundaries early on when dating, you can explore how it feels to be assertive with your needs, wants and expectations.
The more you practise expressing boundaries, the more natural it will feel for them to come out in a moment of need. Practising boundary-setting can be as simple as letting someone know you are meeting a friend after your date, or that you have to get back to your work and are unable to talk or text, or saying you’re unavailable on a certain day because you already have plans.
The reply of the person you’re seeing might be revealing. Often, you can learn just as much about someone from how they handle disappointment or conflict as you can from what they say about themselves. How do they respond to you saying ‘no’? Do they seem annoyed or frustrated at you for this? Do they seem understanding and supportive? If you try to assert a boundary and someone pushes back or starts to guilt you, those are potential warning signs, whereas seeing your boundary politely respected might increase your confidence in a potential partner.
Move at a pace that feels comfortable to you
A commonly reported trend in abusive relationships is moving really quickly. This is a tactic in what’s called ‘love bombing’, where the relationship begins to escalate at a speed that feels like too much, too fast. Getting caught up in the swirl of a new relationship can be very exciting, but it is also potentially dangerous if you don’t know the other person well enough. Authentic closeness and trust need to be earned, and that takes time.
If you’re concerned that a new relationship might move too speedily – perhaps you’ve experienced that before – there are some things you can practise saying to pump the brakes. For example:
If a potential partner tries to make your relationship exclusive before you’re ready, you might say something like: ‘I’m really enjoying the time we spend together, but I’m not ready to commit to that just yet. Can we keep seeing each other and check back in about it in a few weeks?’
If someone tries to initiate sex and you’re not ready to be physically intimate: ‘I’m having so much fun together, but I’m not quite ready to take that next step. I’m really enjoying [kissing, handholding, etc].’
If someone says ‘I love you’ before you’re ready: ‘I really care about you and that makes me so happy to hear, but I’m not quite ready to say that yet.’
If someone buys you a very expensive gift early in seeing each other: ‘I’m really flattered by this gesture and appreciate the thought you put into this, but I’m not comfortable accepting this right now.’
Moving at a pace that feels comfortable for you is essential. It gives you a chance to practise setting the tone of the relationship (and to explore setting boundaries). It’s also a great way to build confidence in the connection if you do decide to continue seeing each other.
Stay connected to your community
A core feature of relationship abuse is isolation. If you don’t have anyone to run to, lean on or to say ‘That’s not OK,’ it’s all the more difficult to see what’s going on. It’s also common for abusers to intimidate their partner to the point where socialising has so many ramifications that it becomes too difficult to do.
Staying connected with others and seeking their perspective is one way you can protect yourself in the future and feel confident that you’re on a safe path.While you should always be listening to the wisdom of your own body and intuition, if you aren’t sure how to feel about something you’ve experienced while dating, running it by a trusted friend or family member can be helpful. It could be as straightforward as asking: ‘Does this seem healthy?’
Beyond that, I encourage all of my clients to connect with domestic violence or abuse support groups. Local domestic violence agencies commonly host these support groups, or at least should be able to give you some leads. It can be cathartic to gather with other people who have gone through something similar to what you have.
I also highly recommend seeking a trauma-informed therapist who has special training in domestic violence/relationship abuse. Talking to a therapist can be helpful for managing the stress of this stage, and can provide additional support if you have any challenging reactions to the dating process or questions about the safety of a relationship.
Keep taking care of yourself
Letdowns, disappointments and rejection are all a part of the dating process. Practising self-care throughout your dating experiences can really help ease some of the stress. Especially when you feel disappointed or something about your experience is triggering, it’s a good time to slow things down and do one or more of the following:
Practise self-compassion. That could include repeating affirmations like ‘I am deserving of love and compassion,’ or ‘I know this is hard right now, but I am safe here in this moment.’
Search for a guided meditation on YouTube or an app like Headspace; or simply practise noticing your thoughts and feelings, staying curious about them, and gently releasing them or imagining them floating by.
Explore other objects or activities that help you feel safe. Brisk walking, being in nature, journaling, petting your pet – whatever it may be, do more of it. You might even write a list of all the activities that help you feel grounded and tack it to the wall in your room or keep it on your phone. The more you can let yourself experience feeling safe, the easier it will be to return to the sense of safety when you’re stressed.
It can take a while to find the kind of connection you are looking for. The best thing any survivor can do for themselves is to continue practising self-care. That might include continuing to check in with yourself about dating in general: ‘Is dating how I want to spend my time [today/this week/this month]?’ What brings you joy can change from one day to the next. Staying curious about what you want can be its own form of self-care.
Final notes
Just because you’ve been through a traumatic relationship doesn’t mean that you’re any less lovable or worthy of connection. It does mean that you should take all the time and space you need to explore yourself, what brings you joy, and what you’re looking for in a partner. Early dating is the perfect time to get really clear about your wants, needs, boundaries and expectations. Going at a pace that feels right and getting to know different people can be just as healing as landing a new partner. There is deep value in the exploration phase, and there is no need to settle for anything less than exactly what you’re looking for.
In the US, for the 24/7 National Domestic Violence Hotline, call 1 800 799 SAFE (7233) or text START to 88788; there is also live chat in the site.
In Australia, for the National Domestic Family and Sexual Violence Counselling Service, contact 1800RESPECT, a 24/7 service, where you can call 1800 737 732, text 0458 737 732, chat online or video call via the website.
