How to make a long-distance relationship work

Need to know

Many, if not most, long-distance relationships don’t start off long distance. A good American friend of mine met her British husband while they were both studying abroad; it took them six years and a great deal of correspondence with United States immigration authorities to finally live together. Another friend stayed in a relationship with his partner for three years while graduate school forced them to live 300 miles apart.

My friends’ experiences are typical of people living in long-distance relationships, or LDRs. While LDRs may be especially common among undergraduates who stick with their high-school sweethearts, plenty of other people enter them, too. The distance involved is usually a result of professional or personal responsibilities that obligate people to live in different places. I know both my friends would gladly have never spent a day apart from their partners, but now they’re married and living together – just the happy endings for which they had long hoped.

Whether your relationship seems destined from the start to involve long distance, or life circumstances cause it to happen, it can be intimidating or anxiety-provoking to think about making an LDR work. If you’re contemplating an LDR, and even if you’re already in one, you might worry about feeling disconnected, resenting the distance between you and your partner, or being romantically or sexually drawn toward other people in their absence. Or you might hate the idea (and expense!) of travelling halfway across the world just to see your special person.

It could help to know that these relationships are relatively common and well-researched. Much is known about how people effectively maintain a strong relationship across large expanses of time and space, and I’m going to share that knowledge with you in this Guide. The tips you’ll encounter here work for couples who live 10 time zones apart, and for those who live an hour apart, like my partner and I do. These tips have helped the couples I see in therapy to manage both shorter and longer periods of time apart. They can assuage the worries you might have, help you manage the real challenges that come with living apart, and set you up for a fulfilling and sustainable connection.

Let me address one of the first worries you might have about your potential or actual LDR: can it be as good as living together or close by? Survey research comparing LDRs to geographically close relationships indicates that on average people in LDRs are at least as satisfied, and maybe more satisfied, than couples living close by or together. Each type of relationship has its own strengths and weaknesses; that’s right, there can be advantages to being in an LDR, too. In LDRs, people often are more intentional and structured with their time together, are on their best behaviour and are less susceptible to getting annoyed by each other’s quirks – all characteristics that can lead to a higher-quality relationship experience.

Even better, researchers have surveyed and interviewed people in LDRs to learn exactly how they maintain their relationships across time and space. While some of the behaviours they report are helpful in any relationship, many are specifically useful in LDRs. The research also tells us which behaviours may make things worse for managing an LDR, so by the end of this Guide, you’ll know what to avoid doing as well. Ready to dive in?

What to do

Talk about your vision for the future

First of all, LDRs need to have a shared, long-term vision. That vision typically involves living together eventually, but it does not have to. What really matters is that you and your partner have developed a mutual understanding of where the relationship is headed. For couples intending to live together someday, a long-term vision provides a finish line and meaningful steps you can both take that get you closer to the end of the race.

If you’re about to embark on an LDR, I recommend having this conversation as soon as possible. If you’re already in an LDR but lack clarity about any of these topics, they are worthwhile conversations for you, too. A rule of thumb I have in relationships is that inviting the other person to do something that will be helpful to you is often effective for getting into tough topics, so here you could say something like: ‘I would appreciate it if we could check in about what our bigger vision is for our relationship. Knowing where we’re headed together will help me feel safe.’ Then, you have up to three questions to address:

• Are we going to live together (again)? There are some couples for whom living far apart suits them and their relationship and, having agreed that living together is not a priority, they can jump ahead to the tools of relationship maintenance below. For everyone else, voicing your commitment to living together in the future, and hearing your partner do the same, helps establish the LDR as a temporary stage in your relationship.
• If yes, when and where? It could be as simple as: ‘Once my grandmother passes away and I’m done caring for her, I’ll move back to where you live.’ Or: ‘When I find a job in your city, I’ll move to join you.’ But for most couples, you need at least an approximate sense of the location and timing of that future together. I recommend an open-ended conversation about the pros and cons of different locations: should it be where you currently live, where your partner lives, somewhere different altogether? Then, with regard to timing, ask yourselves: when is the soonest we could live together? What life events or changes have to happen first before we can live together?
• What will each of us do to get to that point? To stay connected to your vision of living together, it helps to know that you are both working toward that moment. Are you saving up money for a period of unemployment when one of you moves to join the other? Can you both contribute to looking for potential homes or apartments in the city where you intend to live together? Is one of you working on finding a remote job? If you know what you are each committed to doing, it gives you a sense of progress and purpose in your separate lives.

It is normal for these questions to be difficult to answer, and for some of the conclusions to be less than ideal for either or both of you. You will likely both make sacrifices and feel some disappointment in developing this vision together. In these moments, it can be helpful to reflect on why you value your partner so much. If you sense you’re being asked to make more compromises than will work for you, it’s important to speak up and ask for a slightly different approach.

Keep in mind, too, that your life circumstances will change, and you’ll want to regularly revisit these aspects of your plan. This is a common pitfall I see in relationships in general: holding each other to past statements and commitments regardless of what transpires in our lives. An amazing work opportunity could come up, a family emergency could delay your plans or, as one set of my friends experienced, bureaucratic issues can hold up a green card for months or years. Try to expect some plot twists and be gracious with each other as they arise.

If it helps, also keep in mind that relationships constrain people in similar ways even when they live in the same place. Partners living together or nearby also face dilemmas related to whose work takes priority, how to maintain friendships and family connections, and whether moving or staying put makes sense for their relationship.

Once you know the general plan, you can focus on maintaining your relationship across its three key phases: when you’re together, when you’re about to be apart and when you’re in separate places. LDRs are a cycle of these phases and, in each phase, there are different combinations of helpful things you can do. To make it easy to remember, I’ll organise the things you can do into three categories:

• What goes on in your head.
• How you involve other people in the relationship.
• What you do as a couple.

If that seems like a lot of information at once, I promise it will make more sense as we move into the different phases of your LDR.

While you’re together

When partners in an LDR are physically together, the world is vibrant and exciting, and each moment feels precious. You want to make the most of it; you want everything to be memorable, to be, dare I say it, perfect. But it’s important to strike a balance in terms of both intentionality (vs spontaneity) and intensity (vs relaxation).

As a couple: Go fast and slow. Many couples in LDRs feel pressure to maximise their time together. Build memorable and exciting activities into your time, but don’t cram every corner of the day with activity. Unless both of you are the type that craves constant stimulation, I recommend planning periods of downtime as well as novel and exciting experiences – both are fundamental to a balanced relationship. When you eventually live together, you’ll spend plenty of time not doing too much, so give yourselves chances to experience each other at rest. Time spent being quiet is not time wasted if you’re doing it together and with intention. Even doing different activities side by side counts; we are regulated and soothed by having a partner’s company even when we’re not directly interacting. This means that simply watching a favourite TV show together or reading books under the same blanket are good uses of your time, especially if you find yourselves getting burnt out by too much activity.

In your head: Don’t force yourself to be your best self. If you’ve had to cross an ocean to see your partner, or they’ve had to pick you up at the airport after an exhausting workday, one of you won’t be feeling 100 per cent. Give yourself and your partner permission to be grumpy, tired or in need of self-care. I recommend acknowledging ahead of time what you will probably need once you’ve reunited: ‘So, I’m realising that brunch the morning after I arrive will be hard because I’ll be jet-lagged. Could we move it to another day?’ Or: ‘I’ve been so excited to do this hiking trip with you, but right now I’m not feeling great. Please be patient with me as I try to get back in the mood.’ Keep in mind a friend or two whom you can text or call if you’re feeling depleted and need some encouragement, and make sure to have your tools of self-care with you when you travel. For example, in my own experience with long-distance relationships, I’ve learned to bring a book or two, my running shoes and sometimes even my guitar to entertain myself during solo time.

If all of this permission-giving seems excessive to you, let me put it this way: I bet you’d rather your partner take an hour to read alone so they can be more present with you than spend the whole visit struggling to act like they feel fine. Give yourself and your partner permission to recharge as needed.

As a couple: Don’t avoid conflict. You might worry that getting into an argument will ‘ruin’ your special time together. Here’s a reframe: there’s no better time to have a fight than when you’re together in person. Face to face and in real time, you can fully experience each other’s thoughts and feelings, allowing them to really sink in. And physical proximity enables you to use physical touch to soothe and comfort each other, too. Tough conversations can feel much safer in person, so while I wouldn’t let them take over your whole time together, don’t avoid them, either. If you sense an argument coming, you could say to your partner: ‘I think we should talk about this, even just for a little bit. It might go better when we’re really able to connect face to face.’

With others: Spend some time with friends and family. There’s plenty of research that suggests couples are made stronger by having mutual friends. If you build ties between your partner and the other important people in your life, you strengthen your relationship in multiple ways. For example, you give yourself and your partner more people to discuss in your conversations, and your friends and family can support you more effectively because they know your partner and your relationship better. To optimise this group time, I recommend picking activities that allow for more in-depth conversation – maybe a group picnic rather than a loud concert or movie. Make it clear to your friends and/or family beforehand how important it is to you that they get to know your partner.

When you’re about to be apart

As a couple: Allow space for sadness. Parting ways is almost always hard, so don’t pretend otherwise. Especially in the 24 hours leading up to separation, make sure you allow time for feeling what comes up around parting ways. You can do this in at least two ways: first, you can make an agreement that as either of you starts to feel upset about having to be apart, you will stop what you’re doing and acknowledge the feelings. However, if you find yourselves not wanting to ruin the mood by turning towards your negative feelings, I recommend scheduling a time to have those feelings together. Pick a time when you’re not too tired and not immediately about to say goodbye. Say out loud whatever you’re experiencing around the thought of parting ways. Maybe one of you has already begun to feel sad and the other hasn’t yet – that’s fine. Listen to each other and acknowledge what the other person is experiencing. Give yourselves ample time to have those feelings – you don’t want to end up at the dropoff line at the airport just as your heavy feelings start to really take off.

As a couple: Confirm your plans for staying connected. While it’s important to let yourselves feel sad, you don’t have to wallow there, either. You can ease the pain and reduce the likelihood that you’ll spiral into sadness by reminding yourselves of when you’ll be seeing each other in person again. You may even want to confirm when your next point of contact will be. Will you call your partner from the road, or let them know when your plane lands safely? Will they be leaving you a loving text message you can see when you wake up without them tomorrow morning? All of these steps can help you avoid feeling as if your relationship will cease to exist when you physically part ways.

In your head: Accept that you may cope differently. Some people find themselves looking forward to the moment of separation, because as much as they love their partner, they find it rejuvenating to get time to themselves. Others will want to squeeze everything they can out of each second together and experience increasing anxiety and dread as the moment of separation nears. Take a moment to consider which side of the equation you find yourself on more often, and which one your partner does. What can you do to support your partner as they do their best to cope? It might be as simple as accepting that they process the moment pretty differently from how you do.

With others: Promptly plug in with friends and family. In the letdown that will probably follow your time together, it can be tempting to isolate. Instead, as you near the moment of separation, make plans to do at least some of your grieving around other people. Jumping back in with your roommates, friends or family members can ease the sadness and remind you that you’re not alone, even if you feel lonely. Connecting immediately with others can also help you process your time with your partner: you can recount the highs and the lows and how you felt about everything you did. Tell other people about your relationship and let them help you make sense of what you’re going through. This is an important way to share your partner with other people and keep your relationship alive beyond just the two of you.

While you’re apart

In your head: Take care of yourself emotionally. Separation is emotionally challenging for most people in LDRs. Be gracious with yourself in embracing the things you need to do to cope, as long as they’re not destructive. Whether it is watching a favourite movie, sharing some of your sadness with a roommate, or treating yourself at your favourite nearby café, I give you permission to do what takes the edge off those feelings. For some of us, that means just having a sad moment; as many of my clients have affirmed for me, on the other side of an upswelling of sadness there is usually a fair bit of relief.

As a couple: Express your communication needs and plan accordingly. You and your partner need a routine that assures regular contact with each other – and your definitions of ‘regular’ may diverge considerably, so you have to talk about what that means to each of you. Is daily contact essential? How often does your partner need to hear your voice or see your face? If you’re going to be unreachable for a period of time, do you tell your partner? And should these points of contact happen at consistent times? Hearing from your partner first thing each morning or saying goodnight to them each night may be meaningful, especially if you live many time zones apart.

Figuring out these expectations will take flexibility and compromise. You might find your preferences differ, and you may have to settle for more or less contact than feels ideal for you. When one partner wants the other to always be available, and the other partner wants to be fully present for socialising with friends or family, both people may have to embrace some discomfort. But these conversations are essential and should not be skipped, challenging as they may be. If you’re already in an LDR, I encourage you not to assume that the system you currently have works for both of you, or will always be effective. Check-ins about how it’s working can be helpful. The goal is to give your relationship a sense of consistency and predictability, so that you know your next reassuring connection with your partner is never that far away.

As a couple: Plan shared experiences. A communication plan ensures that you’re staying connected, but more intentional and substantial connection matters, too. I recommend activities that are personally meaningful to either or both of you and that mean you’re doing something similar at the same time. Watch a movie or TV show together while on a phone or video call and share your reactions in real time. Cook the same meal and compare notes on how it comes out. Go on simultaneous walks in nearby parks and tell each other what you notice with your senses. Take turns reading your favourite poems to each other. The goal here is to deepen your relationship through shared experiences. Aim for at least one such time together a week.

Many couples choose to maintain their sexual connection through sharing sexual texts and images, and/or having sexual conversations through phone calls. This can be a great relationship maintenance or enhancement technique, but it also needs to be planned out. If you want to incorporate this kind of sexual play into your relationship, have a separate conversation, ideally in person, about the possibility before jumping right in. Neither of you should feel put on the spot by the other person’s desire for this kind of connection, especially over the phone when it can feel difficult to turn the other person down.

With others: Talk to friends and family about your partner. We need space for processing and reflecting on our relationships – LDRs are no exception. It can be lonely to be the only person without their partner at gatherings of friends or family, so share with them about your partner so that your relationship counts in those spaces, too. Family and friends can also provide valuable feedback about how things seem to be going in your relationship; stay open to that feedback. At the same time, don’t be afraid to stand up for your relationship if others are sceptical about it. Last but certainly not least, lean on friends and family to work through issues you might be having with your partner, but make sure you address those topics directly with your partner, too.

In your head: Make peace with uncertainties. There are aspects of your partner’s life – their Thursday night running group, the coworkers they eat lunch with, their daily commute – that you’ll hear about, but probably not fully understand or experience much firsthand. For LDRs to work, partners must practice being OK with uncertainty about each other’s separate lives. If you find yourself worrying about whether your partner’s close friend is romantically interested in them, or how much they drink when they go out with friends, I suggest you critically evaluate what you need to know about your partner’s social life, and why. Here’s a rule of thumb: unless you can identify specific behaviours your partner has demonstrated that more than one friend of yours thinks are suspicious, you might be better off trying to manage the anxiety around that uncertainty yourself rather than accusing your partner of doing something wrong. If you do have concerns about something in your partner’s life and feel you must speak up, approach your partner with curiosity, not blame.

Otherwise, do your best to make peace with not knowing everything about their life. This includes not constantly sharing your locations with each other via your phones. Unless your partner has voiced an actual safety concern to you and wants to be tracked, sharing locations like this opens up the temptation to monitor your partner, and the risk that you end up needlessly worrying about them and questioning them on their activities.

In your head: Embrace the compartmentalisation of your life. In LDRs, partner time can be quite separate from the rest of your life. You can make the most of this by pouring yourself into your work, family, friends and hobbies when not around your partner. No need to feel guilty for engaging in that hobby your partner doesn’t enjoy, or for going out with friends after work. Remember, your partner loves you not just for your time together, but because of who you are in the rest of your life. Immersing yourself in these other life domains can helpfully distract you from missing your partner, reaffirm your identity outside of your relationship and give you plenty to talk about when you connect with your partner again.

Links & books

The Long-Distance Relationship Guide is a series of short podcast episodes exclusively focused on supporting people in LDRs; I recommend it as a resource when you want a brief dose of advice or face a particular challenge within your relationship.

For more in-depth takes on issues specific to LDRs, as well as topics relevant to all relationships, I recommend the From Long Distance to Marriage podcast. The hosts have devoted entire episodes to many of the challenges discussed in this Guide.

If you would like even more advice for taking care of your LDR, I recommend this research-based animated video: ‘6 Tips on Maintaining Long Distance Relationships’.

To couples who are looking for more structure and ideas for staying connected while apart, I recommend this colourful, engaging and reasonably priced activity book: The #LDR Activity Book (2018).

Finally, the website for The Center for the Study of Long Distance Relationships is a one-stop online shop for more resources on LDRs, whether you want to mull over scientific research on the subject or just have general questions about LDRs.