Your social anxiety nightmare has arrived: an email inviting you to attend a networking event pops into your inbox.
Networking events are a special breed of social interaction that are packed with ingredients that trigger social anxiety. The goal is to ‘network’ – something you’re told you should do to advance your career – but it’s hard to know what success looks like. When the stakes feel high and the criteria for doing well are ambiguous, each interaction can feel consequential.
Worse, networking events are often designed to feel casual on the surface, but there’s a shared understanding that everyone is there to advance their own goals (which may or may not be symbiotic). The rules of engagement are unclear.
For someone with social anxiety, these interactions can feel less like relationship-building opportunities and more like a game with hidden rules. Evaluation fears are heightened (‘Am I making a good impression?’) and self-monitoring ramps up (‘Did I just say something stupid?’).
As you stare at the invitation, you cycle through what-ifs (what could go wrong) and flash back to prior networking events – the staccato conversations, the awkward introductions and the uncertain expectations. You feel a familiar sense of dread.
And yet, alongside the what-ifs are the what-could-bes (all the promises that the event holds). If you’re honest with yourself, you see opportunities: learning something new, strengthening a relationship or starting a collaboration. Who knows? The event may even spark your next big idea.
This Guide offers step-by-step guidance for managing social anxiety at a networking event. I’ve worked with many people who dreaded big-stakes social events and felt overwhelmed at even the thought of going. The key is to break it down into stages (before, during and after the event) and zoom in on micro-moments that trigger anxiety. With small tweaks to your approach – and a bit of social courage – you can navigate situations that typically derail you, and give yourself a chance to take advantage of the what-could-bes.
Before you go
One of the best ways to manage social anxiety is to get ahead of it. Before you enter the ring of fire, make a game plan. The event will be filled with unknowns, so start by controlling the controllables.
Set a minimum time
Decide how long you’ll stay. There’s no magic number, but if you’re serious about tackling your social anxiety, the longer the better.
Devise an exit strategy
Decide how you’ll leave. Perhaps you leave after a specific event, when the crowd thins out, or with a friend as they head out.
Set goals that are achievable, behavioural, personal and values-driven
Achievable goals are realistic given your circumstances and skills. Challenge yourself, but don’t set yourself up to fail by shooting for the moon. For example, you could aim to stay in a conversation for at least 5 minutes.
Behavioural goals are things you do that can be measured. It is normal to set emotion-based goals like ‘don’t get embarrassed’, but those are difficult to achieve; we can’t simply turn down the dial on an emotion. Instead, set goals on things you can control: what you say, how you say it, and to whom. This way, the event can be successful even if you felt anxious or uncomfortable. For example, you could ask at least one open-ended question (eg, ‘What brought you here?’) in each conversation.
Personal goals are specific to you and not contingent on other people. A goal like ‘make a good impression’ rests on someone else’s judgments. You can boost your odds of making a good impression by doing things like asking thoughtful questions, but ultimately people decide for themselves. Instead, you could set a goal to introduce yourself to two new people.
Values-driven goals are those that align with what matters most to you. These goals help you act in line with the person you want to be rather than in response to anxiety. One way to set values-driven goals is to ask yourself: in an ideal world, what do you want to get out of this event, and what do you need to do to achieve that? For example, if you value making a contribution, you could share one idea or perspective in a conversation, even if you worry about how it will be received.
Navigating the tricky and sticky elements of networking events
Showing up is half the battle, but there’s a lot to navigate during networking events. You have one-on-one conversations during which you have no buffer. You alone are responsible for carrying the conversation, and there is nowhere to hide; the spotlight is on you. Then you have group encounters, which require you to navigate fast-moving social dynamics. And then there are the networking meals, with endless possible seating configurations, and the special treat of eating and drinking in front of others.
Let’s tackle some common pressure points in each of these encounters.
The one-on-one encounter
Initiating a conversation. You encounter a new face and wonder: ‘Should I introduce myself? Wait, have I met them before?! Do I shake their hand, go in for a hug, or do the quick hand flip plus head nod plus restrained smile combo?’ You can overcome this panicky indecision by preparing ahead of time and selecting your go-to greeting and introduction. Aim to keep it simple (eg, ‘Hi, I’m Raj! What’s your name?’ and extend your hand for a handshake). And remember: introductions are built into the fabric of networking, so introducing yourself to others is within the expected social norms.
Asking a question. You’ve made it past the intro and you’re in a conversation that could spark curiosity or ideas. Questions fill your mind, but your social anxiety keeps you stuck. You may doubt your question (‘Will this make me sound uninformed?’) or worry you’ll get a disappointing or judgmental response. When the self-doubt bubbles up, remind yourself that asking the question is the goal. That’s the social risk you’re willing and able to take – and you can handle whichever answer you get. Chances are that you will get a warmer, more supportive response than you anticipate. People with social anxiety tend to overestimate how critical others will be. When you ask your question, lead with warmth and openness. Curiosity-based questions (eg, ‘I was wondering if you could share your thoughts about X?’) usually work better than questions with more of a challenging tone (eg, ‘Why did you do X?’).
The group encounter
Finding your in. After some one-on-one encounters, you find yourself in a small circle of people. The conversation is moving quickly, and you haven’t said anything. Your social anxiety tells you that staying silent is safest because fewer contributions mean fewer opportunities for rejection. The problem is, staying silent comes with its own risks. You may appear disinterested, aloof, meek or arrogant. So, you start looking for an in, but you don’t want to risk interrupting someone or speaking at the same time as someone else. Start by observing the flow of conversation. Look for a natural entry point, such as a brief pause or comment that you can easily build on. Enter with something simple like ‘I agree’ or ‘That makes sense’ to get yourself going, then perhaps offer a simple add-on (eg, briefly describe a similar experience you had) or ask a clarifying question. Don’t fall into the mental trap that you need to contribute something brilliant. It’s fine if your goal is as simple as getting involved.
Managing side conversations. In group encounters, attention is often divided as people can talk to each other or to the larger group. Side conversations naturally emerge, which may trigger people with social anxiety to feel excluded. If a side conversation pops up next to you that seems interesting or valuable, signal your interest by turning your body towards the new group and make appropriate eye contact. When you’re ready, find your in. As the side conversation goes on, you may find your attention drifting back towards the ongoing conversation of the larger group. You’re in a win-win here: shifting dynamics are simply a part of the social group experience. But rather than juggling too much at once, try to stay connected to one conversation at a time.
The networking meal
Choosing a seat. Many networking events involve a scheduled lunch or dinner. Faced with an array of tables set for participants, you do a quick scan and notice two options: sit alone or with strangers. You weigh the costs. If you sit alone, you’ll escape conversation but worry others will judge you for being isolated (especially if all the other tables fill up) – and you might not fulfil your goals for the event. On the other hand, if you sit with strangers, you’re entering the Wild West of socialising. Your tablemates might be rude, dismissive, or completely ignore you – a form of ostracism that would probably feel worse than voluntary isolation. So, your choice isn’t straightforward. Opting for more socialising is not necessarily better. I suggest asking yourself whether your social battery is really tapped out. If you spent the morning networking, you might feel exhausted and the lunch window could help you to decompress and recharge. If not, are you tempted to eat alone purely as an attempt to avoid social interaction? If you have the energy for it, I recommend challenging yourself to dine with others and keep the goals you set earlier in mind – such as developing a new relationship or sharing an idea. Once you’ve made up your mind (to sit alone or join others), there’s no perfect choice of seat, so here’s where you might want to leave it up to the universe and pick at random.
Eating and drinking in front of others. This is a manifestation of social anxiety that people don’t often talk about. You may worry about judgment for your food choices, food getting stuck in your teeth (and – gasp! – nobody telling you), or spilling your drink. Keep this in mind: eating/drinking in front of others isn’t a performance – it’s a shared and universal human activity. To avoid excessive self-monitoring, practise shifting your attention away from how you are eating to the taste of the food and the environment around you. Perhaps choose low-risk foods that are easy to manage and eat neatly (eg, no sandwiches) and easy to digest (eg, avoid spicy or heavy foods). Hold your drink in your dominant hand and sip rather than guzzle. These approaches are not avoidance; they are a strategic scaffolding. Keep it simple.
Once it’s all over
You know what’s coming after a stressful social event: rumination. Your mind starts replaying each moment on a loop. You focus on moments that didn’t go well – which, your socially anxious mind will convince you, is most of them. This freewheeling rumination is problematic because it creates distorted memories of the event. You ignore or minimise good moments, and you inflate mishaps or neutral moments. Rumination can leave you feeling terrible and reduce the chances you’ll show up again at the next event.
One way to break this spiral is to do an honest review that is based in reality, not emotion. Try a psychologist’s version of the party game Two Truths and a Lie. Start by jotting down a few things you’re replaying or worrying about from the event – the moments that are nagging at you. Now sort through them:
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Two truths: identify two things that did not go well. Rarely do social interactions go perfectly, so it’s time to accept that, even if it feels irksome. For example, maybe you clammed up during an introduction, or made a joke and nobody laughed.
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A lie: spot the lie you’re telling yourself. The lie isn’t something that happened; it’s about what you think a misstep means – the catastrophic interpretation you’ve made about it. For example, after you clammed up during the introduction, you may have convinced yourself that you blew your chances of starting a collaboration.
Once you spot the lie, factcheck yourself. What evidence do you have for your conclusions that, for example, none of your coworkers like you? Look for the flaws in your reasoning. Chances are you are mindreading (assuming you know what others are thinking), overgeneralising (treating one instance as representative of a larger pattern), or catastrophising (assuming the worst). Replace your lie with a more accurate interpretation (eg, ‘My introduction was awkward, but the rest of the conversation seemed fine’).
End by checking in with your goals. Did you do what you set out to do? If yes, then you’ve won today’s battle.
