NOTE TO SELFFEAR AND PHOBIA

A memory hack to help you face your fears

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If there’s something you’re especially afraid of, you’ve likely heard that the worst thing you can do is to keep avoiding it. It’s only by confronting your fear and learning that it’s safe that you can overcome it – which is actually the basis of ‘exposure therapy’. The problem is, as I’ve discovered, the benefits of exposure can wear off, or you can have a bad experience that brings all the negative associations rushing back.

That’s why I was excited to come across some preliminary research in the journal Behaviour Research and Therapy that shows a way to address this – by deliberately weakening your negative memories of what you fear. The key to this is a process called ‘retrieval-induced forgetting’. It’s based on the fact that, when you recall certain aspects of a past experience, it doesn’t just strengthen your memory of those details, it actually weakens your memory of the other aspects that you don’t recall.

In the study, socially anxious participants gave a series of one-minute speeches online. Afterwards, they noted several negative memories (for example, someone yawning) and positive memories (such as someone clapping) from the experience. Next, some of them spent time deliberately recalling only the positive memories. This seemed to weaken their negative memories and, even better, the more this forgetting occurred, the less anxiety they felt about public speaking in the future.

If you’re socially anxious or you have a different fear, you could experiment with this strategy. After facing your fear, spend time deliberately recalling positive aspects of the experience, such as what you enjoyed or something that went well. This isn’t just a case of looking on the bright side – it might actually weaken your negative memories of what happened and help you feel more confident the next time you face your fear.

by Christian Jarrett

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If you find this technique useful, you might also like a different memory trick that can help to trigger more spontaneous positive memories – the subject of a previous Note to Self, ‘A Way to Enjoy More Positive Mental Images’ (2025) by Christian Jarrett.

For more in-depth expert advice on overcoming social anxiety, check out this Psyche Guide (2023) by Fallon Goodman.


A common misunderstanding about genetics

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Barely a day goes by without a new genetic finding in the news. These stories – although aimed at the public – often include scientific terms that are widely misunderstood.

I am a sleep researcher. Together with some colleagues, we investigated this problem in the context of insomnia. We first asked participants what they understood by the ‘heritability’ of insomnia. Heritability is a key genetic term that often appears in news stories and refers to the extent to which genetic influences explain differences between people. Less than a quarter of our sample selected the correct answer from four options; almost half of them chose one of the incorrect options that stated that heritability refers to the chance that someone will pass insomnia on to their children.

This suggests that when many people read about a disorder like insomnia being moderately heritable, they misunderstand what this means. Understanding genetic information matters, not just in terms of scientific understanding, but because of how it could shape people’s treatment decisions.

Most medical organisations recommend cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) as the first-line treatment option for chronic insomnia. However, when we asked our participants about the effectiveness of different treatment options for people reporting insomnia, their answers were swayed by whether we suggested that their insomnia was caused by genes or the environment. If we suggested that the insomnia had a genetic cause, they thought CBT was less likely to be effective and drug treatments more effective as compared with when we suggested that the insomnia had an environmental cause.

This is a stark reminder of the importance of the public communication of science. Not only to avoid misunderstandings, but because of the real-life consequences that could follow.

by Alice Gregory

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For a longer version of this argument, check out my editorial for the Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry.

For a philosophical take, read the Psyche Idea ‘Our Big Problem is Not Misinformation; It’s Knowingness’ by Jonathan Malesic (2023).


NOTE TO SELFETHICS

How will the future judge us?

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If we’re honest with ourselves, most of us can probably think of something we are doing, or declining to do (or supporting, or buying into) that is likely to strike people of the future as an obvious example of a moral failure. Human choices are sometimes badly at odds with human ideals and, in many cases, that seems to become clearer to everyone in the rearview mirror.

I got a fresh reminder of this while recently watching the PBS documentary series The American Revolution (2025). If you know anything about that revolution, it’s hard to miss the disconnect between its lauded ideals – including the assertion, in the Declaration of Independence, that ‘all men are created equal’ – and the slavery upheld by many of the nation’s founders.

The documentary also highlights a less-known detail about the Declaration. In a draft of the colonies’ complaints against the British crown, Thomas Jefferson, himself an ‘owner’ of people, blamed the king for the Atlantic slave trade and, incongruously, called it a ‘cruel war against human nature itself’.

What’s stuck with me in particular is the way the historian Annette Gordon-Reed then sums up Jefferson’s relationship to slavery. ‘From the beginning to the end, this institution bounded his life, even though he knew it was wrong,’ she says. ‘How could you know something is wrong and still do it? Well, that is the human question for all of us.’

For me, her remark is an invitation to reflect. Hopefully, for most of us, our current behaviours don’t include anything that will be as terrible to our descendants as enslavement is to us. But the excuses we might give for acting or not acting now are likely to seem much thinner to someone living 250 years from now. And that, I think, casts a brighter light on our choices.

by Matt Huston

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In her article ‘Whose Independence?’ (2025) for The Atlantic, Annette Gordon-Reed tells the story of African American writers who, going back to the revolutionary era, challenged their country to recognise the implications of its own stated ideals.

The Aeon Essay ‘Moral Progress Is Annoying’ (2024) by Daniel Kelly and Evan Westra explores why even positive changes in moral standards often cause irritation and dismissiveness at first.


NOTE TO SELFEMOTION REGULATION

Finding solace in Murderbot

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A science fiction fan in my teens, I recently decided to dip my toes in the genre again. When I asked Claude for recommendations, it suggested the Murderbot Diaries (2017-), a book series by Martha Wells, about a half-robot, half-human ‘construct’ with a rich emotional life (maybe Claude was dropping me a hint?)

Murderbot is designed to be a SecUnit for protecting humans on space missions. It manages to deactivate its ‘governor module’ granting it the ability to make free choices. If you’re interested in the limits and ethics of machine intelligence, you’ll find the series compelling. But that’s not its only appeal, especially if you’re someone with non-optimal levels of angst and self-consciousness.

The novellas are told through the inner monologue of Murderbot. Its wry, detached observations about its own emotional and social discomforts can be hilarious and surprisingly relatable. On occasion, I’ve found myself emulating its narrative style in my own head, and it can be an odd comfort.

For example, you know that panicky feeling when someone expects you to open up? Murderbot describes one such instance in Book 1, All Systems Red: ‘I had cycled out of horrified that they wanted to talk to me about my feelings into grateful that she had ordered them not to.’

Murderbot is effectively modelling how to notice your own inner thoughts and feelings from a distance – similar to how an ACT therapist might coach you in ‘defusion’ with prompts such as: ‘So, what’s your mind telling you now?’

There is an irony in a fictional form of machine intelligence helping us to feel more normal – more human – about our own insecurities. But as Jason Sheehan put it so well in a review for NPR: ‘we are all a little bit Murderbot.’

by Christian Jarrett

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Read an interview with the Murderbot author Martha Wells at Scientific American, covering personhood, neurodiversity, and how contemporary forms of AI compare with those depicted in her books.

For a simple way to create psychological distance from your thoughts and feelings, try this simple linguistic trick that was explained in a Psyche Idea by the social psychologist Ariana Orvell.


How I became more facially expressive

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For most of my life I was not, I don’t think, a very facially expressive person. I’m ethnically Korean, and we tend not to move our faces too much (partly because it’s just the norm, along with a shared cultural concern that it encourages wrinkles). Even when telling a dramatic story, big expressions never felt natural to me, the way they seemed to be for others, and I’d wonder whether the restraint on my face was limiting my ability to connect with people.

It’s not an absurd idea. Research from 2024 concluded that being facially expressive is socially advantageous, suggesting it might lead others to like you more and see you as more agreeable. Another study found that expressiveness predicted how attractive people seemed to others.

My relationship to facial expressiveness started to change about three years ago, when I started learning American Sign Language. ASL is a language of the body. Individual signs provide a vocabulary, but much of the grammar and descriptive nuance comes from how you move your body and face. Suddenly, my stiff and muted facial expressions became a fluency issue, getting in the way of my legibility as a signer.

Signing ‘I like’, for example, communicates something far different when you do it with bright eyes and strong movements compared with signing it with a shrug and noncommittal expression. I’ve learned to make these distinctions clear across my face.

Over time, I’ve noticed a difference – I am more expressive now with everyone, not just when I’m signing. This, in turn, has made me feel more outgoing in conversation. I have a hunch that people now perceive me as friendlier.

Sometimes, when I’m feeling tired or shy, I’ll notice myself under-expressing, slipping back into my old ways. In those moments I remind myself that showing your feelings on your face is rewarding, and a way to invite greater understanding.

by Hannah Seo

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The Psyche Idea ‘Speaking a Different Language Can Change How You Act and Feel’ (2024) by Antonella Gismundi explores how changing from one spoken language to another can affect speakers’ sense of self.

I wrote more about learning ASL in The New York Times Magazine in the article ‘How Sign Language Can Help Us All Be Better Communicators’ (2025), describing how the physicality of this tactile language and its grammar butted up against the instinct for precise language.

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