What to do
Practise accepting your difficult emotions
As a leader, you may find yourself suppressing or avoiding difficult emotions and thoughts, such as doubts or worries, fearing they’ll undermine your performance or make you appear weak.
A leader of a large non-profit organisation I worked with, who I’ll call Daniela, struggled with anxiety over difficult conversations, such as giving feedback or addressing performance issues. To avoid discomfort, she postponed or sidestepped these discussions entirely. But this avoidance had consequences – her team missed out on opportunities for growth, and trust within the group eroded.
Think of a Chinese finger trap. The instinct to pull away only tightens its grip, making escape impossible. The counterintuitive solution is to push inward first, then release. Similarly, the more you struggle against your internal experiences, the more they entangle you. True relief comes from leaning into discomfort rather than resisting it.
Accepting unpleasant emotions doesn’t mean wallowing in them or expressing every emotion you feel; it means learning to coexist with them without being consumed by them. Picture yourself as a mountain, steady and unshaken, while thoughts and emotions drift past like shifting clouds. Some are dark and stormy, others light and calm. The mountain stands firm, rooted in its essence. By acknowledging discomfort instead of resisting it, you remain grounded even in turbulent times.
In a recent study my colleagues and I conducted with managers in Turkey from a range of sectors including finance, health and education, we found that leaders who were more inclined to avoid their difficult emotions and thoughts also tended to have team members with poorer psychological wellbeing. This association was partly explained by their team members saying that their basic psychological needs (for autonomy, and feeling competent and connected to others) were not being met. Our interpretation is that managers’ emotional avoidance interfered with their ability to support their employees’ psychological needs, leading their teams to feel more frustrated and disengaged. When you constantly avoid your inner experiences, you risk creating an environment where others feel they must do the same – stifling trust, communication and collaboration.
A better approach is the willingness to experience emotions and thoughts without resistance, despite the discomfort. Instead of fighting a thought that tells you you’re not good enough, or pushing away feelings of anxiety, allow them to be present without letting them dictate your actions. Leaders who practise acceptance make clearer decisions under pressure, and foster stronger connections with their teams.
Daniela eventually embraced this approach. Instead of letting her discomfort steer her away from crucial conversations, she acknowledged her anxiety without letting it control her, and allowed herself to engage fully in those conversations. This shift strengthened trust and collaboration within her team.
One way to reframe discomfort is to see emotions and thoughts as different flavours – some sweet, some sour, some sharp. Rather than sorting them into ‘good’ or ‘bad’, consider what flavour label is appropriate for your feelings. Also, recognise your emotions as an intrinsic part of being human. You might even try ‘inviting your emotions to tea’ – take your time, sit with them, observe them, and aim to better understand the reasons for their presence. Paradoxically, this makes them easier to handle.
The language we use to describe emotions matters. For instance, I’ve stopped calling emotions ‘negative’. Instead, I refer to them as ‘unpleasant’ or ‘difficult’. This shift softens my judgment, and makes it easier to approach emotions with some neutrality.
My experience working with clients in both therapy and coaching shows that if you’re just starting out, practising acceptance with every emotion in every situation could feel overwhelming. I suggest beginning with less intense emotions in everyday moments – such as mild sadness, frustration or worry.
Look at the bigger picture
As a leader, it’s easy to get so caught up in immediate challenges that your perspective narrows, making problems feel overwhelming and insurmountable. When this happens, doubts creep in – about yourself, your team, and even the possibility of success.
Take Finn, a college rowing coach who began questioning his abilities when conflicts arose among his team members. In the midst of frustration, he fell into a pattern of narrow thinking: We’ll never win again. This problem is unsolvable. I’m a terrible coach. When stress clouds your judgment in this way, it’s tempting to pin blame on a single person or factor. But this mindset fuels frustration and panic rather than progress.
Whenever you find yourself in this kind of situation, try using mental exercises to help you with perspective-taking – the ability to step back and see the bigger picture. Viewing challenges with distance and objectivity can reduce emotional discomfort and broaden your understanding. Problems rarely have a single cause or only one solution. Stepping back creates space to see multiple angles, leading to better decisions and less distress.
Here are some strategies for gaining perspective:
Create distance from your situation
Self-distancing is a powerful cognitive strategy that helps you step back and process challenges more effectively. It’s the mental equivalent of asking a friend for advice – gaining clarity by viewing the situation from a different angle.
Imagine you’ve just had a difficult conversation with a team member. Maybe they missed a deadline, underperformed, or reacted poorly to feedback. The exchange left you frustrated, and now you keep replaying it in your head.
Instead of reliving it with the same intensity, try shifting your perspective. Picture yourself as an observer watching the interaction unfold – like a camera capturing both you and the other person. Or imagine viewing the situation from a mountaintop, seeing the picture from above.
This subtle shift creates space between you and your emotions, making it easier to process the experience objectively. You might notice details you missed before, recognise alternative explanations, or feel less emotionally entangled. The goal isn’t to dismiss what happened, but to respond with greater clarity and intention.
Ask questions that broaden your view
Sometimes, it’s easier to help others than ourselves. To leverage this advantage, when you next feel stuck in a situation, try asking yourself:
- What would a person whose opinion you trust do in this situation?
- If you could time-travel and meet yourself six months in the future, what advice would future-you give to you today?
- How will this matter look to you a year from now?
- What would the wisest person you know say or do right now?
- If a friend were in your situation and came to you for advice, what would you say to them?
Finn gained perspective by imagining a conversation with his future self, who reassured him: This problem is solvable – start by gathering all the facts and identifying any missing pieces. Similarly, asking himself How will this matter look in a year? reminded him that today’s stress is temporary, and emotions lose their intensity over time.
When you try this exercise for yourself, choose questions that resonate with you. Reflect on them in the moment or later, when you’re calmer and free from distractions. Over time, you’ll develop your own go-to questions that prompt a shift to a broader perspective whenever you’re faced with difficult challenges. This will help you to navigate them with greater wisdom, shift from reactive thinking to strategic thinking, make clearer decisions, and approach leadership with greater confidence and composure.
Respond with flexibility
One of the most crucial qualities of flexible leadership is adaptability – the ability to adjust your actions, mindset and communication based on what the situation demands.
What follows is not a formal assessment, but to get an idea about your current flexibility, ask yourself these questions:
- Can I communicate my ideas in different ways, tailoring my message to fit the needs, backgrounds and communication styles of my team?
- When faced with a problem, do I consider multiple perspectives rather than defaulting to a single approach?
- Do I adjust my response when new information emerges, or do I cling to my initial stance even when circumstances change?
- How well do I handle the unexpected? Can I reassess and pivot when needed?
- When a strategy isn’t working, do I recognise it quickly and experiment with alternative approaches?
If you answered yes to all or most of these questions, that’s a sign of flexibility. On the other hand, if you see room for growth, here are some suggestions for how you can strengthen your adaptability:
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Understand your team. Take the time to pay attention to your team members’ different personality types and communication styles. By taking their individual needs into account, you will be able to engage and respond more effectively with them. For example, if one team member prefers detailed instructions while another thrives with broad guidance, adjusting your approach accordingly can improve efficiency and morale.
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Seek diverse input. Regularly invite perspectives that challenge your own – it will broaden your thinking and prevents blind spots. For example, actively ask quieter team members for their thoughts rather than relying only on the most vocal contributors.
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Pause before reacting. Instead of reacting defensively to feedback, ask questions and listen with curiosity. For example, if a team member says your emails come across a little abrupt, instead of dismissing it, ask: ‘Can you share an example? I want to improve how I communicate.’
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Adjust when new information arises. Sticking to an outdated plan can be costly, so be willing to refine your approach as you gather new data. For example, if a project deadline suddenly moves up, reassessing priorities and reallocating tasks – rather than sticking to the original timeline – can help the team stay on track without unnecessary stress.
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Seek out uncomfortable new experiences. Whether it’s leading a project in a different department, mentoring someone from a different background, or handling a crisis, stepping outside of your comfort zone will build your adaptability. For example, volunteering to lead a cross-functional or multidisciplinary team, or offering support to another leader in a crisis situation, can expose you to different perspectives and problem-solving approaches.
Remember, whenever you feel stuck or resistant to change, pause and ask yourself: What’s another way to approach this? And yet another way?
Choose valued goals despite distress
Just as a property developer needs a blueprint before they can begin construction, an effective leader needs a clear set of personal values to guide their decisions and actions. Values are the personal qualities you want to embody in your leadership. They are not about what you ‘should’ do, but rather about who you genuinely want to be. Values shape how you lead, from listening patiently and speaking with courage to leading with honesty and responding with kindness.
Practising psychological flexibility means choosing your actions based on your values, even when faced with distressing emotions or external obstacles. While perfection isn’t possible, the goal is to live by your values as much as possible. To do this, you need to ensure you are fully aware of your values, that you are acting in line with them, and that you remain committed to them even through difficulties. Here are some steps to help you achieve these three elements of psychological flexibility.
Identify your core values
To lead with greater clarity and purpose, start by identifying the values that truly matter to you. You might have an implicit sense of this already, but it really helps to do this reflective work with conscious intention. Set aside some quiet time to reflect on these questions:
- How do I want to present myself as a leader?
- What personal qualities do I want to bring to leadership?
- How do I want to interact with my team?
- How can I positively impact those I lead?
While it takes effort, the insights gained from this reflection can be invaluable. They can help you clarify how you want to show up as a leader – whether that means being fully present with your team, treating others with fairness and kindness, fostering trust, striving for excellence, leading with humility, or inspiring those around you.
Another way to explore your values is to look ahead: imagine it’s 10 years from now, and you’re sharing with your team, colleagues or loved ones the most pivotal leadership decisions you’ve made over the past decade. Take time to reflect on the following questions:
- What major decisions do I imagine sharing with others about my leadership?
- Which key decisions had the most impact on my leadership journey?
- Why did I make those decisions? What values were guiding me?
- How did those decisions shape my leadership style and influence the people I work with?
Reflecting on your own decisions in this way can help you uncover the values that truly guide your leadership. For example, a recent decision I made was to prioritise a team member’s personal development over a looming project deadline. Instead of pushing them to meet the deadline, I gave them a few extra days to attend a professional development workshop.
The core values behind this decision? Growth and empowerment. I believe that fostering the personal and professional growth of my team is worth short-term sacrifices.
You don’t need to identify a long list of values – quality matters more than quantity. If you’re new to this, start with a small set – typically three to five – that truly define the kind of leader you want to be. This keeps your decision-making clear and focused. While values vary from person to person, to give you a better idea, some that frequently come up in my coaching sessions with clients include: (leading/showing up with) integrity, fairness, collaboration, humility, passion, accountability, innovation, creativity and compassion.
During this process, I suggest taking notes and, once you’ve identified your most important core values, writing them down as reminders for yourself. You can also discuss them with your team, but it may be helpful to first gain clarity by committing to specific actions and goals that align with your values, which I discuss below.
Align your actions with your values
Once you’ve identified your values, take an honest look at whether your daily actions align with them.
Start by listing your regular leadership behaviours: how you usually manage projects, the way you typically communicate with your team, and how you go about making daily decisions. Then, identify which of these actions and approaches align with your core values, and which do not. Finally, address any misalignment. For example, if you value being present but often find yourself distracted in conversations, there’s a gap between intention and action. To realign, you could decide to make a conscious effort to remove distractions and give your full attention during team interactions.
On the podcast Lead by Example with Bob Myers, Steve Kerr, head coach of the Golden State Warriors basketball team, highlighted the importance of living out one’s values as a leader. As an example, he reflected on his core value of joy, and how he prioritises hiring individuals who can make training enjoyable and infuse the team with positivity.
Commit to your values
Values only shape leadership if they’re consistently acted upon. To stay connected to your values:
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Use reminders. I’ve found that writing my core values on sticky notes and placing them somewhere visible in my workspace reinforces my commitment. Find your own way to keep your values front and centre.
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Revisit your values weekly. Some leaders find it helpful to reflect on their values at the start of each week to guide their decisions. A question I find useful is: What can I do this week to align my actions with this value?
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Accept discomfort. Living by your values may require tough choices. For instance, if supporting your team is a core value, you may need to decline an important business meeting to be present for a team member in need.
If you don’t go through these deliberate steps of choosing and committing to your values, you may find that you easily default to decisions that are driven by social pressure or the desire to avoid discomfort. In contrast, by prioritising your values, you can stand by your choices, even during challenging times. Research suggests that aligning actions with values not only strengthens leadership but also enhances wellbeing and resilience.
When in doubt, ask yourself: Am I making this choice out of fear, or because it aligns with what truly matters to me? Consistently prioritising your values helps you lead with integrity, confidence and a deep sense of purpose.
