NOTE TO SELFFRIENDSHIP

Our relationships, in five dimensions

Three people chatting at a rustic bar in a pub, with a brick interior and various decorations.

Let’s think about the various sorts of people we have some relationship with. I’ll start: there’s my wife, brother, parents, other family members, friends, coworkers. But there are also former coworkers, my doctor, the people I talk to only on social media, the owner of the vegan café…

Taking stock of my social life, I could sort these into crude groups such as ‘family’, ‘friends’ or ‘business’. But relationships are complicated, and there are surely more revealing ways to compare and contrast them. Much as personality models like the Big Five offer a distilled language for describing individuals – slightly introverted, highly conscientious, etc – a model for relationships might be useful for thinking and talking about the shades of difference.

So I was intrigued to read about a proposed ‘unified framework’ for capturing how people see relationships. Researchers asked people from 19 world regions to rate the features of various types of relationships, ranging from siblings to leader and follower to fans of opposing sports teams. They found that relationships could be described in terms of five main dimensions:

  • Formality: roughly, how formal and public a relationship is vs informal and private;
  • Activeness: how close and involved vs distant;
  • Valence: how friendly vs hostile;
  • Exchange: how much it involves trading concrete resources like money vs intangible things like affection; and
  • Equality: how equal each person’s power is in the relationship.

While the researchers say this model is ‘far from conclusive’, it does give scientists – and the rest of us – a new lens for considering our relationships and what they mean to us. Was the local bartender with whom I chatted about TV and movies for years a ‘friend’? Maybe, maybe not. But relationship traits like formality and exchange help me think about why there seemed to be more to it than ‘business’.

by Matt Huston

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In working out their model, the researchers considered some less common relationship types as well – such as Sugar Daddy and Sugar Baby, which you can read all about in the Psyche Idea ‘The Way Sugar Babies Navigate Two Roles: Lover and Employee’ (2024) by Brynn Valentine.

If there is anyone in your life who’s friend-adjacent or more of a stranger to you, but you’d like to be more sociable with them, check out the recent Psyche Guide ‘How to Strike Up a Friendly Conversation’ (2025) by Michael Yeomans.


Motivation is good, but discipline is better

Photo of a boxing match with a standing boxer in the ring and an opponent kneeling behind, lit by overhead lights.

In July this year, the Ukrainian boxer Oleksandr Usyk, aged 38, became the undisputed heavyweight champion of the world – for the second time! Combined with his 2018 undisputed cruiserweight title, this collection of accolades across weight classes is unprecedented in boxing history. His latest success led some commentators to compare him with legends such as Mohammed Ali, and prompted one journalist to ask him how on earth he stays motivated given all that he has achieved.

‘I don’t have motivation,’ Usyk said, ‘I have discipline.’ He went on to explain that motivation is temporary – you have it one day, but not the next. In fact, when he wakes up for training, he never has motivation, only discipline. ‘Motivation is good,’ he said, ‘but discipline is better.’

Usyk was stating succinctly something for which psychologists have long been gathering evidence. Whether it’s training for a sport, pursuing excellence at work, or seeking a healthier lifestyle, desire takes you only so far. That’s why we need to use devices grounded in discipline to support us, so that we don’t think about it, we just do it. What is discipline? It’s ‘related to high conscientiousness’, the sports psychologist Noel Brick tells me, ‘including being organised in our daily activities, an ability to control impulses … or completing activities out of a sense of duty.’ Approaches based on habit formation or implementation intentions ensure that we persist, almost as if on autopilot, regardless of our unreliable motivation levels.

Usyk’s comments reminded me of our Psyche Idea on another important distinction – between goals and commitments. Motivation might help you set your goals. But to get there will take discipline-based commitments. As Justin Kompf explained, ‘a goal is something that you want to do. A commitment supports that goal and is something you have to do.’

by Christian Jarrett

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For more insights into how to achieve your goals, read the Psyche Idea ‘To Meet Your Goals, Forget Willpower and Fill Your Toolbox (2022) by Marina Milyavskaya.

For a counterpoint to the idea that discipline is everything, check out this 2012 article I wrote about the psychology of drive and determination for One Life magazine.


The words that make an apology convincing

A photo showing a person holding a bouquet of mixed flowers wrapped in brown paper, viewed from above and behind.

My son was two and we had just been discharged from hospital following a nasty winter bug. His birthday was only a few days away with no time to plan for a big party, so I invited a close family friend and her kids to a teddy bear-making workshop followed by a pizza. She agreed, huge relief – the problem was solved. But then she cancelled last-minute because apparently her children had received a better offer from a popular classmate who hosted great parties! My friend realised quickly that her honesty had fallen flat with me and so she came over to apologise.

I was reminded of this event recently when I attended a lecture about the psychology of apologies by my colleague Shiri Lev-Ari. She described how research has shown that apologies are most convincing when they involve greater cost, such as in terms of money or time. My friend seemed to know this intuitively – she turned up on my doorstep (time cost) with a bottle of champagne (financial cost) at a time that would have likely inconvenienced her (effort cost).

Shiri wondered if this cost rule would extend to the words that we use when we apologise, and in her recent research that’s exactly what she found. People judged apologies involving longer words of explanation (I did not mean to respond in a confrontational manner) as more convincing than apologies involving shorter words (I did not mean to answer in a hostile way), presumably because they signal greater cognitive cost.

So, here’s my message to my friend: next time you need to apologise, do turn up with that that bottle of champagne but consider replacing your ‘real sorrow’ with ‘genuine remorse’.

by Alice Gregory

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For more on the psychology of effective apologies, check out this TED-Ed video ‘The Best Way to Apologize (According to Science)’ (2022).

Are you sure you need to apologise? The Psyche Guide ‘How to Save Yourself Another Pointless Guilt Trip’ (2021) by Aziz Gazipura provides advice for those who feel guilty even when they might not have done anything wrong.


A brief escape from social media

A switched-off smartphone on a bright yellow surface with fingerprints and smudges on the black screen.

Earlier this year, I took a break from my phone for a full week while on vacation in Mexico. My somewhat impulsive decision to forgo an international plan and leave my phone in my hotel room led to one or two tricky situations. But mainly, it was refreshing to live in the present moment. I had been feeling fatigued by social media before the trip – Instagram being my particular vice – so by the end, it truly felt like I’d gone through a detox.

When I inevitably returned to my device, I felt newly, palpably aware of how much time I was wasting on social media. Why was I so easily consumed by parking lot spats, celebrity interviews and videos with captions like ‘___ will leave you speechless’, none of which had any real significance beyond holding my attention? The feeling reminded me of a quote I’d once encountered, about how easy it is to be distracted by disposable content. It perfectly summed up what’s so quietly frustrating about social media these days, but the irony was that I couldn’t remember the exact quote, or even where I’d seen it, due to the sheer amount of content I regularly consume.

I looked everywhere for the origin. I revisited my YouTube history and Instagram posts I’d ‘liked’, feeling horrified at how much time I had spent in the digital world. I thought for sure it was a quote from the YouTuber Mina Le’s insightful video ‘Why Is Social Media Not Fun Anymore?’, or from an audiobook I’d enjoyed. No, it must have been mentioned in one of the countless Instagram Reels that the algorithm has calculatedly served me. Eventually, I gave up my search, a decision that, in itself, was its own relief from the endless cycle of content consumption.

by Tamur Qutab

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Evan Puschak, aka The Nerdwriter, who in my opinion is the best video essayist out there, explores this topic with humour and relatability in the essay ‘I Think the Internet Wants to Be My Mind’ from his book Escape into Meaning (2022).

If you, too, have an urge to change your relationship with social media, check out the Psyche Guide ‘A Psychologist’s Tips for Getting a Grip on Your Social Media Use’ (2024) by Daria J Kuss.


NOTE TO SELFTRAVEL

Why ‘false authenticity’ is so unsettling

Aerial photo of Würzburg, a European cityscape with historic buildings, church spires and a clock tower under a partly cloudy sky.

The past is vividly alive in the Old Town of Würzburg in Germany. Walking the spindly streets, I felt transported to the medieval days: I could practically see the ruddy burghers going about their business in the shadows of aged church facades.

Often when we engage with things of the past, with the material lives of our forebears, we’re in search of a sense of authenticity. Seeing the actual items that people, long dead, dealt with in their day-to-day lives seems in some way to bring them back: what they’ve left behind invigorates our historical imagination of what their lives were like. The things that populated the lives of expired generations gives us a visceral connection to them, and Würzburg amply provides the material for that sense of intimacy with the vanished past.

Historic photo of a European city with a stone bridge, people walking, and buildings with spires in the background.

Würzburg c1900. Courtesy the Library of Congress

Or so I thought. The same day I so romantically strolled through the Old Town, I learned that it’s not old at all – younger, in fact, than me. The Allies bombed the place to annihilation, destroying 90 per cent of the city (more than Dresden). After the war, the Würzburgers rebuilt the Old Town exactly as it had been, a project not completed until the 1990s. So while it seems that you’re engaging with the world of yesteryear, in fact it’s a reproduction.

And that shattered the connection to the past. But why? Walter Benjamin called the uniqueness of a work of art its aura. An identical poster of The Scream (1893), even if arranged the same way as the original, will resonate far less if the viewer knows that Edvard Munch’s brush never touched it. Its aura is gone. So, upon learning of its recency, the aura of Würzburg’s Old Town dissolved – and I was left instead with a sense of falsity, nothing but an unsettling replica of authenticity.

by Sam Dresser

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Stimulating reflections upon similar lines were recently offered by Elizabeth Kostina in her incisive Aeon Essay ‘The Replica and the Original’ (2025).

On the perennially intriguing topic of art and authenticity, check out another Aeon Essay, ‘Is it Really a Leonardo?’ (2018) by Noah Charney.

To learn why ‘Place Authenticity Is an Important, Overlooked Part of Life’ (2024), read this Psyche Idea by Ashley Krause.

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