Many couples start to notice, at some point, a divide in how they approach intimacy. There might be moments when you’re next to your partner and the silence between you feels heavier than it used to. Maybe you’ve been wanting more sexual connection and find yourself frustrated by the distance. Or perhaps you’re the one feeling pressure, wondering why you can’t match your partner’s level of desire.

A term for this is desire discrepancy: when one partner seeks more sexual connection than the other. Desire discrepancy will likely hit every long-term relationship to varying degrees. It is a common and entirely natural dynamic. In my work as a couples therapist, I see this theme show up often, sometimes manifesting overtly, other times hidden under layers of tension or unspoken frustration.

Unfortunately, many couples hesitate to discuss it. Discomfort, shame or a belief that the gap is unfixable keep the topic locked away. However, if it is approached thoughtfully and with care, a discrepancy in desire can be an opportunity to deepen understanding in a relationship, build trust, and rekindle connection.

Sexual desire ebbs and flows

Desire is not a static force. Rather, for many people, it rises and falls depending on life phases and individual circumstances. Stressful experiences such as becoming a new parent, struggling with heavy career demands, or navigating loss can dampen desire. On the other hand, periods of self-discovery and self-confidence or moments of new intimacy can ignite desire. Even someone with a relatively consistent level of sexual desire is likely to experience some fluctuations over time. Now, put two people together for years, and the odds that their desire levels stay perfectly aligned are slim. Desire discrepancy can arise at any stage of a relationship. But for many, in the early days of a relationship, sex often feels effortless: newness fuels excitement and external stressors have yet to intrude. As life’s demands multiply, the balance may shift.

When left unspoken, a gap in desire can quietly grow and wear at a couple’s connection. Feelings of rejection, resentment or distance might creep in. Consider a (fictitious) couple, Alex and Jamie. In their early days together, their sexual connection was electric. But lately, Jamie has been declining Alex’s advances, overwhelmed by work and other responsibilities. As a result, Alex starts feeling unimportant and inadequate and begins to reach out in a desperate tone. Jamie feels more turned off and starts to see sex as a chore. Alex then expresses frustration impetuously; Jamie retreats further. This is a story that’s common in couples therapy – but it doesn’t have to end in distance.

In this Guide, I’ll describe some ways to navigate desire differences skilfully. In some seasons of a relationship, the best a couple can do is manage a discrepancy well by reducing tension and distance amid continuing differences in desire. This Guide will help with that. But I’ll also share strategies tailored specifically to each partner: the one with a lower level of desire and the one with a higher level. There is no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ amount of sexual desire; it’s not that one partner is at fault. The goal here is greater understanding – of yourself, your partner and the dynamic between you.

The key to addressing desire discrepancy well lies in shifting the tone from judgment to curiosity. As you proceed through this Guide, imagine yourself as an explorer, gathering information with kindness and openness.

Reflect on your feelings and beliefs about sex

First, I advise looking inward. Your aim here is to foster self-awareness and the ability to guide yourself into a calmer, more grounded emotional state. Approach this process gently, with curiosity as your guide, seeking to better understand and advocate for your inner world. (You may want to try this alone first, before you broach the desire discrepancy in a conversation with your partner.)

Start by noticing the reactions you have when you think about sex with your partner in general. Some examples of possible reactions might be: ‘I feel embarrassed’; ‘It’s like we’re disconnected’; ‘I’m at ease’; ‘I’m intrigued’; ‘I feel eager.’ Alternatively, you can ask yourself what adjectives first come to mind when you think about sex with your partner. Some examples might be ‘exciting’, ‘playful’, ‘transcendent’, ‘scary’, ‘dirty’ or ‘boring’.

Next, examine some of the beliefs that you have about sexuality. Thinking about your experience with sex, ask yourself: what are some things that you believe about sex and sexual desire, what sex means, and what it should or shouldn’t be like? Examples might be beliefs that ‘women are not supposed to want sex’, that ‘women are supposed to make themselves available for sex’, that ‘men are supposed to want sex anytime, anywhere’, or that ‘sex is an important (or unimportant) part of life.’

Various reactions, feelings and beliefs may emerge from these reflections. Give yourself some space to acknowledge them. Writing about them in a journal might be helpful. Consider: where might they have come from? How have they shaped your sexual desire – do you think they have stifled or kindled it? Is there anything you might prefer to believe instead?

As a couples therapist, I have seen that people’s desire for sex with their partner can also be shaped by:

• their own physical and mental wellbeing;
• previous sexual experiences with other partners;
• the broader relationship with their current partner; and/or
• the quality of sex that they have had with their current partner.

So, I suggest you reflect, too, on how your desire for sex could be affected (or not) in each of those domains. Then, reviewing all that you have reflected on, consider whether there is anything you might be able to change or let go of, or that you might want to cultivate.

Case study: Evan

For an example of how beliefs and feelings about sex can affect desire, consider Evan. Thinking about sex with his partner fills him with anxiety. He fears that he will disappoint, so sexual experiences feel more like tests than moments of connection. When he was growing up, Evan came to feel unattractive and often worried about rejection. He also internalised the idea that ‘real men’ excel sexually with effortless confidence. Evan developed a fear of failure that makes it difficult to sustain his own arousal, which in turn reinforces his anxiety – inhibiting his desire and exacerbating the discrepancy between him and his higher-desire partner.

To break free, Evan needs to practise compassion for himself. Imagine that, rather than just resenting his anxiety about sex, Evan tries to understand it better – through his own self-reflections, in conversation with his partner, and/or by speaking with a therapist. He starts to see his anxiety as an imperfect response that his younger, less mature self developed to protect against rejection (eg, by avoiding sex altogether). In reflecting on what he’s come to believe about sex, he also acknowledges how his myopic belief about ‘real men’ skewed his sense of self-worth. Now, as a full-grown man who knows his worth in a relationship, Evan can counter his longtime fear of rejection with genuine confidence – reminding himself of what his partner values about him – which is likely to reduce his anxiety and allow him to embrace sexual encounters with greater curiosity and openness.

As Evan’s case illustrates, it is harder to be intimate with someone else if you cannot first be emotionally intimate with yourself. This requires knowing that vulnerability is part of the full human experience. When coupled with empathy and other forms of relational intelligence that we’ll discuss, Evan’s new understanding of his anxiety becomes one pillar supporting a bridge to reconciling the desire discrepancy with his partner.

After reflecting on your perspective on sex with your partner (whether you are the partner with lower desire or the one with higher desire), think about how you, like Evan, can advocate for yourself – perhaps by rethinking an old belief that now feels out of place, or considering what parts of your reflections might be worth discussing with your partner.

Explore your partner’s feelings and beliefs

Next, let’s shift the focus to your partner. Here, you will try to lay down any resentments and adopt the mindset of a compassionate researcher or explorer. You will be summoning empathy for your partner and curiosity about your partner’s perspective.

To open a conversation with your partner, you may want to ask permission with a question like: ‘Would you be open to sharing more about experiences and feelings around sex? I’d love to understand your perspective better.’

You’ll want to explore things like:

• your partner’s feelings and beliefs about sex;
• where these might originate; and
• how you can tend to them with care.

Ask open-ended questions. For example, you might ask your partner what some of the best sex that you’ve had together was, and what they liked about it. You might ask them to describe ideas about sex that they have internalised from their family, culture or past sexual experiences. Sit with their responses – do not rush in to ‘solve’ anything right away or make it about you. Make statements that show that you care and understand (like ‘I can see why you liked that’, or ‘It must have been hard to hear such negative messages about sex’).

You will likely learn more about your partner if they feel safe enough to open up to you about these things. Help them to feel safe by demonstrating acceptance, wherever they are with their desire, whether it is higher or lower. Resolve internally to be accepting of their desire level, and adopt a tone of kindness and patience with them. This is especially important to do with the topic of sex, since many feel it is taboo or shameful. Acceptance melts away defences and invites connection, often the first step toward intimacy. (And remember, just as you can entertain an idea without adopting it as your own, you can accept your partner where they are with their desire while also having a different perspective and working to bridge a difference.)

Show interest in your partner’s erotic satisfaction and pleasure. Get to know their inner sexual world and try to do so without judgment. Even if you do not align with every aspect of their desires, your curiosity still signals acceptance and care. This mode of enquiry can also spark reflection and internal growth in your partner. Take Taylor, Evan’s partner. When Taylor elicits Evan’s perspective in an accepting, caring way, Evan, for the first time in his life, feels safe enough to reveal his fears – his performance anxiety and the degree to which it has coloured his sexual experience. This can be a turning point.

The ability to demonstrate empathy and put someone at ease lays the groundwork for resolving relational conflicts. Reflect on how well your partner feels cared for, known and heard in the sexual realm.

Map out any negative sexual patterns

Next, turn your attention to the interplay between you and your partner with regard to desire discrepancy. Begin by mapping your interactions. See if you can think of a typical experience you have when sex – or the possibility of sex – is involved and difficult feelings come into play. Then, try to fill in the blanks:

When my partner says or does _____, I feel _____.

I then respond by _____.

That makes my partner feel _____.

My partner responds by _____.

For example: when my partner expresses an interest in sex even though I’m tired, I feel overwhelmed. I then respond by being annoyed with my partner. That makes my partner feel hurt and ashamed – and my partner responds by withdrawing.

This exercise can help you identify negative patterns and the points at which you might interrupt them. Together, you and your partner can give the pattern a name, call it out when it appears, and commit to shifting gears. Humour, though not sarcasm, can help to diffuse tension in those moments. Staying affectionately engaged, attentive and responsive to both you and your partner’s underlying feelings helps steer you toward a more positive dynamic.

In the above example, after the pattern has been identified, when it next arises, the partners might say something like: ‘We’re doing our tired-to-ashamed dance.’ Instead of continuing the pattern, Partner 1 commits to not moving from tired to annoyed, and Partner 2 commits to not moving from desiring to ashamed. To help with this, each validates the other’s feelings without judgment (eg, ‘I get why you’re exhausted,’ or ‘I can see that you want a connection’), providing a moment for relational presence and reducing the potential harm of the desire discrepancy. The acknowledgement in itself allows for connection. It may not lead directly to mind-blowing sex (or any sex), but it at least creates more tenderness.

When things get tough in a relationship, which they always do at some point, a trustworthy partner proves they can show up well. Here, the couple is showing up well by demonstrating relational intelligence: they are aware of their own feelings, empathic about the other’s, and able to shift the dynamic to a more positive one. Trust also allows for the deep emotional connection that often characterises optimal sexual experiences (what the psychologists Peggy Kleinplatz and A Dana Ménard call ‘magnificent sex’), as well as the playful exploration that sparks adventurous sex.

Think of Taylor and Evan again. In a negative pattern, Taylor might clumsily express sexual frustration, such as by carelessly saying: ‘Sex with you isn’t worth the frustration’ – thereby triggering Evan’s anxiety and compounding the problem. In a more positive relational dynamic, Taylor meets Evan’s anxiety with acceptance and encouragement, shifting the focus from performance to pleasure and playfulness. This creates a space where Evan feels safe, is able to let down his guard and enjoy sexual exploration. Connection and curiosity, two common antidotes to anxiety, give their relationship the capacity for growth. While progress sometimes happens overnight, it often unfolds gradually, as each partner builds trust and deepens their bond.

If you have lower desire: experiment with your ‘brake’ and ‘gas’ pedals

There’s no ‘right’ amount of desire, and let’s be clear: having lower desire does not mean there is something wrong with you. This section is for those eager to embark on their own journey to discover what might boost their desire – not from a place of self-criticism or external pressure, but based on their own curiosity.

You can picture desire as a product of two systems: a sexual ‘brake pedal’ and a sexual ‘gas pedal’. These systems operate differently in different people, depending on the context and one’s history and personality. But you can learn more about the things that cause you, specifically, to press your brakes and what revs up your engine. Let’s consider some common examples.

Stress

High levels of stress can smother desire. If that seems like it might be the case for you, it could be helpful to focus on moderating your stress. Here are a few ways to do that:

• Consider creating a stress-free sanctuary at a particular time in your day and in a particular space. Choose or create a space that feels tranquil and inviting.
• Implement a hard cut-off time in your day for stress-inducing or deadening tasks such as reading upsetting news, discussing finances or logistical tasks, or mindless scrolling online. Change out these activities for something stress-relieving: listening to relaxing music, some light stretching, reading stimulating fiction.
• Designate the bed only for relaxation, sex and sleep in order to mentally unlink the experience of being in bed from stressful experiences.
• Mindfulness practices, including mindfulness meditation, can also help reduce stress and draw you into the present moment. Research shows that mindfulness can increase sexual arousal and desire. Practising mindfulness can help you quiet down the mind and enjoy the physical sensations, the emotional connection, or the playful respite from a busy world.

Physical and mental health obstacles

Sometimes, the brakes on desire are tied to physical pain. Note that physical pain typically should not occur during sex; if it does, consult your doctor about it. Similarly, anxiety, depression, trauma or a negative self-concept can dampen arousal. Addressing these or other underlying mental health struggles may help, so if your own attempts to do so have not led to sufficient improvements for you, seek support from a therapist or other mental healthcare professional.

Intimacy boosters

Some people assume that sexual desire should arise spontaneously. However, most desire is actually responsive, meaning that it arises when the right context is created. Think of this as building the fire before you light it. As a relationship evolves, the build-up may require intentionality. Maybe it’s flirty texts exchanged during the day; sharing a playful song that conveys your sentiments toward your partner; or carving out more time during the week for meaningful conversations. Experiment with intimacy boosters such as these and see what starts to shift you into that space, and then commit to cultivating that context. Consider inviting your partner to think about this with you.

Research by the relationship experts John Gottman and Julie Schwartz Gottman shows that couples with satisfying sex lives prioritise connection and maintaining a strong, trusting friendship. For many, emotional intimacy lights the way to sexual desire. And for some with lower levels of desire, it can set the stage for taking risks with a partner and discovering new dimensions of pleasure.

Sex worth wanting

As the sex educator Emily Nagoski explains, a person is more likely to be called to sex if they have had good sex before. If you haven’t had what she calls sex ‘worth wanting’, now is the time to explore what that sexual experience might be for you. Shifting into a playful, curious mindset and thinking of your pleasure as valuable in itself could help open the door to eroticism. This process could include exploring your body physically and allowing your imagination to come to life. The imagination is a powerful component of eroticism, and unlocking it can help you know what you like. If you don’t know where to start, it might be useful to read about your anatomy and which parts are most sensitive to arousal. Also, you could read and then try to create your own erotica (as an exercise for yourself, or for you and your partner), and see what storylines or visuals pique your interest.

Another way to get you out of your thinking brain and drop into a more sensual world is through ‘sensate focus’. This is a sex-therapy technique that involves a series of guided, pressure-free steps where you and your partner take turns exploring touch. In earlier encounters, intercourse is taken entirely off the table. There is no pressure – just pleasure-oriented touching that can help you reconnect with the sensual. Later steps include genital touching and sensual intercourse while encouraging nuanced communication and attentiveness. (For more detailed information about sensate focus, read this description published by Cornell Health.)

If you have higher desire: rethink critical judgments

Reflect on the meaning you ascribe to having a higher level of sexual desire. Consider Paul, who thinks that his higher desire for sex makes him ‘too much’. If Paul had it his way, he would be having sex every night, unlike his wife, who is content to have sex a couple of times a month. ‘Am I too needy?’ he wonders when he is reminded of this discrepancy. ‘I wish I could just make the urges go away.’ Self-reflection, however, can bring awareness to the judgments he is silently attaching to his desire; to the stories he has internalised about what it means to want more: stories of shame, frustration and self-doubt.

Reflecting on judgments like these allows one to evaluate their merits more honestly and to decide consciously which judgments to let go. Is someone really a bad or flawed person because their desires are different from their partner’s? Of course not. Through compassion and introspection, Paul – and you, if you have struggled with negative self-judgments yourself – can begin to rewrite the script.

While some higher-desire partners’ judgments go inward, contributing to shame, some other people’s judgments may go outward – sometimes with anger or disdain – onto their partner, for having a lower level of desire. If you notice yourself judging your partner in this way, be curious about where those judgments originate, and see if you can counter the judgment with understanding. Trying to understand your partner’s perspective in all of its complexity may allow for more compassion and patience, which in turn may cultivate a context for intimacy.

Again, there is no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ level of desire. Desire is complex – shaped by history, personality and circumstance. Try to let go of critical judgments and instead evaluate whether you’re showing up as a good partner.

If you have higher desire: investigate your response to unmet wants

Do you notice that the desire discrepancy in your relationship affects the level of interest, care or patience that you have for your partner? Perhaps you can relate to Jennifer: on days after sex that’s been fulfilling, she feels lighter, more patient and more curious about her spouse’s world. But when weeks pass without sexual connection, her frustration brews. She becomes distant and abrasive, nitpicking her partner’s habits and doubting the relationship. What Jennifer doesn’t initially see is how her frustration contributes to a cycle: her mood strains the emotional connection that helps her partner feel sexually engaged. Without realising it, her reaction to her unmet desire has become her own biggest obstacle.

If you sense that your unmet desire could be negatively impacting your relationship, consider what you can do differently. For some, masturbation and pornography help alleviate sexual energy. However, some report that it can become an easier option than sex with a partner, and – especially when there is already tension or distance – disincentivises them to initiate sex much at all. If you are using these outlets, be mindful that you use them in addition to (not instead of) nurturing emotional intimacy and promoting a sex-conducive context for the lower-desire partner. Also, a partner’s reactions to the use of such outlets might vary: some partners feel fine about it, while others feel uncomfortable with it. There is no one-size-fits-all solution – only what works for you and your relationship. Explore how these tools affect your connection and adjust accordingly.

The mixed messages we receive about sex

The notions about sex that one picks up from family members while growing up or internalises from other sources can act as invisible brakes or accelerators in a person’s sexual life.

Some women, for example, have internalised that it is shameful to be the object of someone’s desire. This shame can inhibit their ability to embrace their own desires fully. Some women may resist sexual exploration because they fear that it will compromise other aspects of their identity, such as being taken seriously as a professional or treated as an equal partner in other life domains. Some women may believe that sex is their duty, and therefore focus on satisfying their partner rather than developing their knowledge of their own desire.

Cultural messages can also be stifling for men. A man who doesn’t constantly want sex or who craves emotional connection beforehand might feel shame about it. I have seen heterosexual relationships in which the man is the lower-desire partner, the woman the higher-desire partner, and both feel embarrassed about this – even though neither is at fault.

Desire is created in context. Just as stress affects desire, so does what we think, feel and know about ourselves sexually, and those beliefs, feelings and knowledge are at least in part culturally constructed. So, when navigating a desire discrepancy, be sure to consider the cultural contributions, both ‘positive’ and ‘negative’, to your and your partner’s desire.

To have a productive conversation about this, first reflect on how sex-negative and sex-positive messages might influence the way you receive your partner’s sexual being. Do you reinforce sex-negative attitudes – or are you fostering a space that invites connection and sexual exploration?

For some couples, conversations about sex are limited and even tense, rife with squirminess or occasional giggles. With time, however, partners can learn to approach these discussions more openly. Desire, in all its complexity, can be shared more freely. If this feels too difficult to navigate on your own, you may want to solicit the help of a couples therapist. Therapy creates a safe space for untangling these layers, offering tools to deepen understanding and connection.

By embracing curiosity and compassion – for both yourself and your partner – you can create a relationship where desire is a shared journey rather than a source of conflict.

To learn more about breaking negative relational dynamics, see Sue Johnson’s book Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love (2008). Johnson uses the relational ‘dance’ metaphor that I adapted earlier. A later chapter of her book focuses specifically on types of sexual dynamics, such as ‘Sealed-off Sex’, ‘Solace Sex’ and ‘Synchrony Sex’.

For a deeper dive into themes discussed in the section on boosting desire, read Emily Nagoski’s book Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science that will Transform Your Sex Life (2015). She draws on research and her years as a sex educator to provide in-depth information about sex, including anatomy, the dual-control model for sexual response, and sex-negative and sex-positive messages.

In his book So Tell Me About the Last Time You Had Sex: Laying Bare and Learning to Repair our Love Lives (2021), Ian Kerner discusses the psychological and relational components of arousal. He covers erotic themes, sex scripts and common sexual problems and solutions.

If you’d like to find out more about how mindfulness can enhance sexual relationships, Cheryl Fraser’s website features podcast episodes, a blog, and material related to her book, Buddha’s Bedroom (2019).

For more on developing relational intelligence, please join my newsletter through my website or my group practice. The newsletters include applications of the concepts I’ve discussed and recent articles that I’ve published. Additionally, if you have a particular question about your relationship, you can email it to me. I may publish your question (anonymously) and my response in my forthcoming Substack that addresses specific relationship and couples therapy questions.