How to forgive (even if they’re unrepentant)

Need to know

People experience some of their darkest moments when relationships are in trouble or falling apart. Dishonesty, betrayal and other forms of mistreatment can leave you feeling like something has been broken in you. It may be that someone has failed to keep their word, such as by borrowing money and not paying it back, or has heaped abusive words on you, or has breached your trust through infidelity. Moving past the pain and forgiving the person who harmed you can often be immensely challenging – even if forgiveness is something you value.

The biggest obstacle to forgiveness may be your understandable emotional responses. If you’re feeling stress, anger, fear or sadness about what happened, you might avoid thinking about the prospect of forgiveness – and perhaps even the conflict itself – as a way to avoid these negative feelings. Common defence mechanisms such as denial and emotional repression can function as both a sort of protection and a barrier to truly addressing the wrongdoing you have experienced. But, eventually, we need to deal with our feelings about harm that has been done to us, and about our relationship to the person who caused it.

For many people, forgiveness – which I think is best understood as the relinquishing of feelings of ill will towards an offender – is an essential way to lighten the emotional load. If you are reading this Guide because someone has done something that caused you distress, pain or other forms of harm, it is completely normal to experience negative feelings towards that person, even if what happened was years ago. But if, after a period of time, you are still feeling hurt or embittered, you might also want to ask yourself: how long do I want to feel embittered? Do I want to carry feelings of anger or resentment indefinitely? Even if you have suffered severe harm or abuse, consider that it is possible to wake up every morning without intense feelings of loathing.

Why forgiveness matters – whether you reconcile or not

Relinquishing feelings of ill will is not the same as reconciling with the offender. Let’s look at how they relate to each other. When people talk about forgiveness, they are typically thinking of what I’ll call ‘interpersonal forgiveness’, the process of relinquishing feelings of ill will towards the offender and repairing the relationship with that person. But not every relationship can be repaired, especially in cases where the person who caused harm shows no inclination towards remorse or change. Importantly, forgiveness is still possible in such cases – but it is better thought of as ‘intrapersonal forgiveness’, a process of letting go of feelings of ill will without reconciling with the other person.

So why is forgiveness worth working towards, in either case? Well, relationships with family members, friends or others are a primary source of a person’s happiness or distress. When your relationships are healthy, you are likely to be at your best; when they are fraught with conflict, the opposite might be true. The manner in which you cope with conflict and manage your relationships is foundational to your own wellbeing, and forgiveness can play an important role in that.

If there is no way forwards with someone who has harmed you (or if there was no relationship to begin with), letting go of negative feelings towards them can still be liberating. Research indicates that, in the long term, negative emotional states can take a toll on mental and physical health. People are simply in a better place when they alleviate some of the chronic anger or similar emotions they feel. It takes a lot of energy to carry around that emotional baggage constantly. If an offender is unwilling or unable to demonstrate remorse and change, then continuing to expect it, or to think repeatedly about why it ought to happen, will only perpetuate your negative feelings. In these cases, removing unrealistic expectations and seeing a person as they really are, with all of their limitations, can be helpful; your own emotional state may improve as you no longer expect something that you’ll never get.

If someone has caused you harm, you might already have a clear sense of whether or not you are likely to try to repair the relationship. But in many cases the decision between interpersonal forgiveness (forgiving and reconciling) and intrapersonal forgiveness (forgiving without reconciling) is likely to depend on the context and the duration of your relationship. Consider the hurt that accompanies infidelity. If you have been in a relationship for just three months before the other person betrays your trust, that might lead you to quickly end the relationship. On the other hand, if the same transgression occurred after 20 years of marriage, the decision to repair or to leave the relationship might be quite different. Time and context matter. But, whatever the choice about reconciliation, there is still a pathway to letting go of ill will.

Forgiveness is a process

It’s important to think of ourselves not as forgiving people or unforgiving people, but rather to understand that in some situations we may be more or less forgiving, depending on the time and context. A general model of forgiveness can be helpful for getting a clearer understanding of the situation. The Forgiveness Reconciliation Model (FRM) is one my colleagues and I developed, and it has proven useful in helping people work through issues of conflict and forgiveness in counselling. The FRM addresses intrapersonal as well as interpersonal forgiveness, so that people who do not see reconciliation as realistic or healthy have a path forwards.

Based on my experience as a clinician working with individuals who have been abused or traumatised, the need for forgiveness sometimes comes across as a cultural or religious mandate: the victim feels that they have to forgive and somehow reconcile with the person who has harmed them, which is not always possible. So it can be useful to reconceptualise what it means to forgive. Introducing intrapersonal forgiveness often becomes central. In the FRM, I refer to mechila, a Hebrew term that means ‘to wipe away debt’. In other words, it’s a recognition that what you want from someone will not be given, and so you no longer expect it or hold the person accountable for it. By releasing a person from what they owe you – which might include things such as safety, care, honesty, affection, respect and so forth – you can release expectations and also feelings of ill will.

In the rest of this Guide, based on the FRM and my clinical experience, I will describe several steps for considering and working towards either interpersonal or intrapersonal forgiveness, depending on your circumstances.

What to do

Collaboratively explore your situation

When you are thinking about the possibility of forgiving, a helpful first step is to talk to someone you trust about the person who caused you harm and what they did. The person you talk to might be a friend, a mentor or a close family member. Sharing your feelings about what happened and the person who caused harm can be helpful for getting a clearer understanding of what you are experiencing. You might realise you are still more angry or hurt than you thought.

Getting in touch with feelings such as anger, disgust or sadness provides the opportunity to start working through these emotions. Sometimes they can be tied to an underlying fear. A good question to ask yourself when you feel angry, for instance, is: ‘What am I afraid of?’ Very often it is the fear of being harmed further, a fear that someone else may be harmed, or a fear that nothing will change.

If you are unaccustomed to talking about your feelings, then starting such a conversation, even with someone you trust, might feel difficult. You could begin by saying: ‘I’ve been struggling with something lately…’ or, ‘I am finally ready to talk about something that has been bothering me for quite some time…’ Be thoughtful about your setting. Where do you want such a conversation to take place? Are you likely to get emotional? Where would you feel safe opening up about what has happened?

You might also want to reflect on what you hope to get out of the conversation. Advice is not always helpful; sometimes we just want to be understood. So, setting up expectations can be important. Saying ‘I want to talk something out with you, and I just need you to listen’ can be a great way to do this.

Through talking about what’s happened and gaining better self-understanding, you can begin to think about a path forwards – including whether the person who harmed you has a place in your life, or you instead see limited or no contact with this person in the future. Importantly, you might begin to get a clearer sense that there are feelings you need to work through, such as anger, fear or sadness, in order to get to a healthier place in your life.

Consider whether reconciliation would be helpful or realistic

Deciding whether to reconcile isn’t always complicated, especially if you had no prior relationship with the person who caused you harm. When you have had a relationship, however, there might be a question of whether repairing the relationship is good for you, even if you still feel compassion and empathy for the person. For example, getting back together with an abusive partner might not be the right choice, despite continued feelings for that person.

Remember that reconciliation is not a requirement. You can forgive without restoring your relationship with someone. But if you are still deciding whether reconciliation would be beneficial, consider the following steps:

• Get feedback. Talk about this specific question with your trusted friend, family member, mentor or counsellor. This is especially important if you find yourself in an abusive or otherwise toxic relationship. An openness to feedback on this question can help protect you from re-entering a situation that is unhealthy.
• Think about what a reconciled relationship might be like. Take some time to consider how reconciliation could be beneficial. Realistically, can you envision reestablishing feelings of warmth or happiness that you have enjoyed in the relationship previously? Would it have benefits for other family members or children, if you have them? Sometimes, the benefits of a reconciled relationship take a while to emerge, after both sides commit to repairing the relationship and it is once again thriving.
• Consider the value the offender places on the relationship. Does the other person seem to place the same level of importance on the relationship that you do? The ‘principle of least interest’, described in 1938 by the sociologist Willard Waller, suggests that the person with the least amount of interest in the relationship has the most power in the relationship. If you have been hurt by someone but have a greater desire for a reconciled relationship than they do, you could be set up for more hurt in the future. Consider the extent to which you feel the relationship is mutual and reciprocal. Have you tended to get as much out of it as you put in? Conversely, do you feel like you are expected to accept blame or apologise when the other person acts wrongly, or to change your perspective from what you know you’ve experienced?

If the other person seems to value your relationship as much as you do, there is no abusive behaviour taking place, and reconciliation seems likely to have benefits, then interpersonal forgiveness becomes an option. However, intrapersonal forgiveness will likely be the better path in situations where reconciliation does not seem very beneficial – or where the offender is not sorry or likely to change their behaviour, a possibility we’ll cover in the next step.

Look for signs of remorse and an inclination to change

If you do decide that reconciliation could be worthwhile, you will need to consider what the offender is showing you. Specifically, is the offender remorseful about what they’ve done? Is the offender willing to change in ways that address the harm they caused you?

This facet of the FRM is one where your control and influence is relatively minimal. Whether an offender is willing to express remorse and change their behaviour is not, ultimately, up to you. But you do have the power to decide not to reconnect with someone who is unwilling to address the harm in a meaningful way.

Determining whether remorse and change are present requires honest dialogue with the offender, and perhaps even evidence that any remorse and inclination to change will not be short-lived or manipulative. Determining whether remorse and intentions to change are genuine is sometimes difficult – and professional counselling can be helpful for gaining outside feedback on this. But you’ll want to look for evidence: what is the offender saying and doing? Is this person actually verbalising their feelings of remorse and intent to change? Are they engaging in behavioural changes (such as ceasing a harmful behaviour, taking steps to prevent it from happening again, and/or seeking professional help) that you believe can be sustained? Have efforts to change been made many times before, but to no avail?

Signs of true remorse and change are reasons to pursue interpersonal forgiveness and reconciliation. A lack of these things suggests that forgiving without reconciliation may be the best possibility. Ultimately, you retain the power to evaluate the offender’s behaviour, consider past experiences, weigh up the consequences, choose a path, and change your mind if the desired path is not working.

If you choose to reconcile: share what you see and hope for

What makes reconciliation possible, beyond an offender’s remorse and commitment to change? Other likely factors are your own willingness to express to the person the warmth and positivity you see in the relationship; your acknowledgment of the remorse and the changes they have made; and a willingness to continue to pursue reconciliation. Specifically, these approaches can be helpful:

1. Be willing to express generally positive feelings towards the offender. When you think about the person who caused you harm, you can reflect on the positive aspects of this person at least as much as the negative. In my research on forgiveness, I’ve found that the positive feelings someone has towards the person who caused them harm is a strong indicator of their likelihood to reconcile. Taking the risk to express those feelings can be an important part of rebuilding, or perhaps simply renegotiating, the relationship. Not all relationships will heal the same way or be rebuilt exactly as they once were. Often, a relationship will change after a serious breach. Acknowledging the past benefits of the relationship and its current healthy components can be a starting point in this process.
2. When you see remorse and change from the offender, acknowledge it. Let them know when you see positive change (you might say something like: ‘What I see that is different in you is…’), and that this has contributed to a mutually beneficial relationship.
3. Remember the benefits you hope to see in reconciliation. While you might have external reasons for making up with the offender, such as shared family ties, ultimately there should be a direct benefit for you – an enhanced feeling of wellbeing within the relationship. Expressing to the offender what you want from the relationship going forwards is important. Statements such as ‘What I hope our relationship to be like…’ can be helpful for creating a dialogue. This is an opportunity to get buy-in and make sure you are not working alone.

If you don’t reconcile: release your feelings of ill will anyway

Intrapersonal forgiveness, as I’ve said, involves the relinquishing of a debt – it’s the idea that you will no longer expect to receive something that was owed to you. Sometimes, what is owed is a physical thing, as when someone has damaged your property. Most often, however, what is owed is something less concrete, such as an expectation of love, safety or commitment. Forgoing feelings of ill will towards an offender is easier if you can recognise when it’s the case that what is owed will never be given. The result may be an ease in pressure and your emotional burden: ‘What I want from you I am never going to get, so you don’t owe it to me anymore. I wish you well, and we are done.’

The difficulty in this step is that once you realise that you are not going to get what is owed to you, there can be feelings of sadness and grief. Recognising these feelings and accepting the outcome of an unpaid debt, whether tangible or emotional, can help you relinquish feelings of ill will.

But this is easier said than done! Negative feelings simply don’t vanish right away. Cognitively, you might recognise that what you want from someone you are never going to get from them. But relinquishing feelings of ill will towards a person who has harmed you in some way is as much of an emotional shift as it is a cognitive one. So when anger, stress, sadness or other difficult emotions persist – despite the recognition that you can no longer expect something from the offender – take time to mindfully acknowledge that you are experiencing these associated emotions. And then consider the healthy ways in which you might cope with them, whether through meditation, physical exercise, engaging in hobbies or other strategies. These are not cures for the negative feelings you might still have towards the person who did you wrong, but it is important to realise that these emotions are normal and take time to work through.

Keep in mind that intrapersonal forgiveness typically demands that you accept the loss of a relationship – that what you wanted the relationship to be is not going to happen. And how people work through this can vary. Sometimes, counselling can help. Other times, the mere passing of time – so that you get used to your life without the presence of the relationship – is all that’s needed to let go of feelings of ill will towards someone. The process of grieving and rebuilding can take time, so I urge patience as you do this work.

Reflect on the outcomes of your forgiveness process

If your forgiveness process leads you towards reconciliation, then after you’ve had a discussion with the offender about remorse and change, you’ll want to ask yourself: to what extent has trust and communication been rebuilt? If a relationship is to be rebuilt with the offender, open and honest communication, followed by genuine behavioural change on the part of the offender, is essential. Ideally, you will experience a sense of relief that a resolution has been reached.

If your process led you to forgive without reconciling, you might feel some grief related to the loss of the relationship (if one previously existed), or you might have some conflicted feelings. When turbulent relationships end, there is often a mixture of sadness and relief. You might continue to experience difficult feelings due to the harm done by the other person or their lack of remorse and change. But moving on from an unhealthy relationship can also be empowering, and the removal of the negative energy and drama you might have experienced in the relationship can be an important release. When you no longer hold an individual accountable for behavioural changes, commitments and so forth that you are not going to get, moving forwards without the emotional burden of expectation and anger becomes easier.

Interpersonal forgiveness can lead to healing and even to the strengthening of a relationship. But not all forgiveness requires the other person, and it can be just as healthy when you move forwards on your own, without carrying unnecessary anger and unmet expectations.

Links & books

My book Practicing Forgiveness: A Path Toward Healing (2021) highlights the Forgiveness Reconciliation Model. The book is meant both for lay readers and for mental health professionals, and has applications across cultures.

Robert D Enright’s book Forgiveness Is a Choice: A Step-by-Step Process for Resolving Anger and Restoring Hope (2019) is a self-help book focused on recovering from hurt and improving your wellbeing after being harmed by another. My research on forgiveness has been partially informed by Enright’s work.

Enright is also a co-founder of the International Forgiveness Institute. Through its website, the IFI provides numerous resources and educational materials related to forgiveness.

The journalist Marina Cantacuzino hosts The F Word Podcast dedicated to stories of overcoming pain, trauma and hardship, and finding peace. The podcast is part of The Forgiveness Project, which she founded. The project shares written stories of forgiveness on its website.

This Guide was made possible through the support of a grant to Aeon Media from the John Templeton Foundation. The opinions expressed in this publication are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the Foundation. Funders to Aeon Media are not involved in editorial decision-making.