Tom feels apprehensive today: his long-time colleague, Ashleigh, is returning to work after a death in her family. He’s not sure how to approach this situation. Should he say something to her? What if he expresses his condolences and Ashleigh bursts into tears? He would hate to add to her distress. But what if he doesn’t say anything – would she be hurt that he hasn’t acknowledged her loss? He decides to avoid bringing it up, afraid that he’ll upset her.
Maria and her partner used to get dinner with another couple every month and regularly texted updates and jokes. But after Maria’s partner died, these friends stopped checking in as frequently, assuming it would be painful for her to hear from them. In fact, she would appreciate the distraction from her grief and all that she needs to take care of following the loss.
While most of us have experienced some degree of loss and grief, it can still be hard to know how to respond to someone else’s. If you’ve ever felt uncertain about this yourself, or feel that way now, you’re not alone. Providing support for a grieving person can be more complex than it seems on the surface.
Perhaps you recognise that a friend, family member or colleague is in pain after losing someone, and that they could use some support, but you’re not sure what to say. As a result, you might say and do nothing, like Tom. Or you might feel determined to say something, but worry that the grieving person won’t find it helpful, or that your words will come at the wrong time. Some common risks include saying something just to reduce one’s own discomfort (rather than to really ‘be there’ for the grieving person), or making an assumption about what is best for the grieving person, as Maria’s friends did.
Despite the understandable reservations you might feel about what to say or how to say it, it’s great that you want to be there for someone – and you should know that it could make a real difference to them. When social support after a loss is perceived as helpful, it can protect against social isolation, anxiety and depression. Although many people do get the support they need from close family and friends, for many others there is a gap. In surveys of bereaved adults in Australia and Ireland, about one-third said that they didn’t receive the support they would have liked. Similarly, 38 per cent of bereaved adults surveyed in the United States described receiving social support of poor or very poor quality. In that study, pets – not family or friends – were rated as the most helpful source of support.
In this Guide, we will help you get past the discomfort you might feel about what to say, and we’ll give you some advice so that what you do say is as helpful as it can be. If you’re in a position to be supportive, don’t worry about saying too little or getting it ‘just right’. Not everyone grieves the same way and, likewise, there are different ways to show support. In our experience as grief researchers and psychologists, we have learned a lot from bereaved people, and their experiences have shaped our sense of what they often do, and do not, need to hear.
Know that it’s OK to be uncomfortable
It is very common for bereaved people to note that their friends or family members seem to feel uncomfortable talking about the loss, even though they still want to talk about it. So, as a starting point, know this: it’s OK to feel uncomfortable when thinking about how to support a grieving person – but that discomfort doesn’t mean you shouldn’t follow through. It’s all right if you don’t know what to do or say. It’s also OK to say, text or type something like: ‘I don’t know what to do or say, but I’m here for you.’ Even seemingly simple messages like this tend to be appreciated by grieving people.
Focus on their thoughts and feelings
When choosing your words, one important thing you can do is avoid making it all about you. Don’t assume that you understand exactly how the bereaved person feels or divert the conversation back to your own experience. Typically, grieving people don’t want to hear about other people’s past losses when they are currently in pain themselves. In the event that you, too, knew the person who has died but were less close to them, it may be appropriate and appreciated if you share some of your memories and feelings about the deceased. But try to focus first on supporting the other person through what they are experiencing.
Sometimes, grieving people feel as if they’re going crazy. Grief can affect the body and the brain: strong emotions, sleep problems, and fatigue are common among the bereaved. Listen closely and try to validate the grieving person’s experience, without attempting to ‘fix’ the situation for them. Simply paraphrasing what the person has told you shows that you understand them and provides reassurance. For example, you might say something like: ‘I can see how hard this must be for you.’ Asking open-ended questions is also a way to encourage the person to share more. Some examples include: ‘How are you feeling right now?’ ‘Would you like to talk about it?’ ‘What do you miss most about them?’
Avoid unsolicited advice, clichés and platitudes
Being supportive is about allowing someone’s pain to exist and doing what you can to assist them as they experience it. It’s not necessary to attempt to reduce the pain by getting them to find a silver lining or telling them to look at the death a certain way. This means it is best to avoid comments that start with ‘At least…’, such as ‘At least you had him for 20 years,’ or ‘At least you knew she was ill.’ Nor is it usually helpful to push a grieving person toward feeling better or ‘being strong’. Do without phrases like ‘You’ll get over this,’ ‘You will be OK,’ ‘Time is the great healer,’ or ‘Chin up.’ These sorts of comments can be hurtful because they minimise the loss and seem to invalidate the person’s grief. Instead, let the person grieve in a way that is natural for them. There are many ways to grieve; there is not a single way that suits everyone.
Make a specific offer of help
If you’re able to offer the bereaved person some practical support, a specific offer is better than a noncommittal ‘Let me know if you need anything.’ The latter can be challenging for grieving people because they might not know what they need at the moment, or they might feel uncomfortable asking for help. Instead, you can say something like: ‘I’m making lasagne this afternoon. Would it be OK if I dropped some over to your place when I’m done?’ Or: ‘I’m taking Sofie to football practice on Saturday. Would you like me to swing by and grab Yuki on my way?’ This way, the grieving person has autonomy to accept or decline the offer.
It’s important, though, to avoid making assumptions about what is best for a grieving person. If you’re not sure what type of support they might find useful, then ask: eg, ‘Is there something I can do to help you out this week?’
Check in over time
Grief reshapes ordinary moments in a bereaved person’s life, every day. As the writer and pastor John Pavlovitz put it: ‘Death is a date in the calendar, but grief is the calendar.’ Feelings of grief and the need for assistance can fluctuate over time, meaning that social support is typically best when it involves more than one conversation. Following your initial words with the grieving person, reach out to let them know you’re thinking of them and are there for them. You could ask: ‘Do you want to talk about it?’ or say: ‘I’m not going to push you to talk, but if you want to, I’m here.’ Rather than just saying: ‘Call me if you want support,’ call them yourself. Take the initiative. If you’re close with the bereaved person, consider adding reminders in your diary or calendar to reach out every few weeks and at important dates, such as birthdays and anniversaries.
Look for signs that they might need additional support
In the wake of a loss, emotions such as sadness, anger and guilt are common. So are thoughts about death – including, for some, thoughts about reuniting with the deceased in the afterlife. However, take notice if the person shows signs of suicidal ideation (such as talking about wanting to end their own life), or if they show severe and unrelenting grief, accompanied by an inability to engage in daily activities following the initial bereavement period (eg, not seeing people they would usually see, or not meeting their own basic needs). These could be reasons to consider recommending professional counselling or therapy. It might also be helpful, if someone seems to be struggling, to look into local support groups and mental health services that offer help for bereaved people, and to share that information with the grieving person. You might say something like: ‘I know this is an incredibly difficult time for you, and I found some resources I think might be helpful to you. I can leave these with you, or we could have a chat about them.’
Learn more about grief to inform your conversations
Taking some time to discover more about grief and the various ways people experience it could help you feel more informed and comfortable when you talk to grieving people in the future. You might do this, for instance, by reading books written by people describing their own loss and grief experiences. Film is another great way to learn about grief: some of our favourites include Three Colors: Blue (1993), Bob Trevino Likes It (2024) and the short animated film If Anything Happens I Love You (2020). Some examples of television shows about grief include This Is Us (2016-22), Fleabag (2016-19) and After Life (2019-22).
You could also consider attending workshops and events in your community that have a focus on death and grief. And reading articles or watching talks that bust the myths of grief can show you why certain ideas are outdated or misleading – such as the ‘Five Stages of Grief’, or terms like ‘closure’ and ‘letting go’. Instead of proceeding in stages, grieving people often describe grief as coming in waves or being like a rollercoaster. And while they do want help with moving forward, that doesn’t mean they need to stop thinking about the person who died or what happened to them.
