How to see the humanity in anyone

Need to know

When I set off on a cross-country road trip across the United States, it wasn’t to tour National Parks or work remotely at the beach. Instead, my goal was to meet people I normally wouldn’t encounter in the liberal bastion of San Francisco, where I spent most of my adult life. For 12 months, I lived out of my retrofitted Prius and showered at Planet Fitness. I travelled to a Trump rally in Minnesota, a convent where Catholic nuns and millennials were living together, and a small town in rural Appalachia.

I’m a loud-and-proud progressive, queer Asian American whose favourite outfit is a colourful jumpsuit. So when some of my friends heard about my plans, they told me they were concerned for my safety. They even encouraged me to bring a knife and pepper spray.

Honestly, I shared some of their fears. I held biases about people on ‘the other side’. I actively othered whole groups of people because of the stereotypes I held about them. Aren’t Trump voters uneducated and hate fuelled? Don’t Catholic nuns despise my queerness? Wouldn’t a rural town spit out someone like me?

The stereotypes I held weren’t due to any real personal experiences I had. They were supercharged by social media and the news, or conversations with others whose beliefs shaped my own. Getting out on the road and having first-hand experiences with people who were different from me introduced more nuance and complexity to my views. I started to recognise the obvious: that there’s a spectrum of unique individuals in umbrella groups such as ‘Trump voters’ or ‘Catholic sisters’.

And what I found on a personal level is what psychology research studies have shown. The more we come into contact with people who are different from us and see them as unique humans, the less we feel threatened by them. And that, even with polar-opposite views or life stories, we can find common ground and a shared humanity.

I’ve been exploring these questions for the past decade at institutions such as the Greater Good Science Center at the University of California, Berkeley. It’s the reason why I went on my 12-month road trip. I even wrote a book about it. Leading these research-based explorations is all part of my desire to understand how we can forge stronger and more positive relationships with others.

Throughout the past few years, I’ve learned that one way we can build better relationships – even across political or social differences – is to practise what I call ‘deep curiosity’. I define this as ‘a search for understanding that leads to connection and transformation’.

The kind of curiosity I’m talking about is different from the narrower ways the term is often talked about – as a purely intellectual pursuit. People often think of using curiosity to research new topics of interest or to figure out where to go for their next holiday. And while this kind of curiosity is important, it only scratches the surface. I call this version ‘shallow curiosity’ because you stay on the surface.

At its deepest levels, curiosity has the power to do much more than give us informational anecdotes for cocktail hour. It can stir our hearts and spirits, becoming a force for meaningful connection and transformation. It can strengthen our relationships to ourselves and each other, help us navigate disagreements better, revive decades-old marriages, or heal from past pain or trauma. It invites us to ask questions that involve nuance and surprise. Rather than: ‘What should I do to make money?’, it prompts us to ask ourselves: ‘What makes me feel truly alive?’ Instead of asking someone: ‘Are you a Democrat or a Republican?’, it inspires us to ask them: ‘What values are important to you?’ Rather than: ‘Where did my ancestors come from?’, you might ask yourself: ‘How do I stay connected to them throughout my life?’

By practising deep curiosity, instead of dismissing or judging people who hold different political perspectives than you, or who have an identity that seems to clash with your own, you can bring a sense of genuine interest, humility, understanding and shared humanity. I’ve discovered that, if you do this, you’ll begin to see improvements in your relationships with your families, spouses, children, friends, coworkers, neighbours and strangers. You can even use deep curiosity to improve the way you treat yourself.

Deep curiosity isn’t just something you have or don’t. It’s more like a muscle, something that strengthens when you exercise it. The more we use it, the more likely we’ll get the benefits. Not only does it help us to connect, psychological research also shows that practising curiosity makes us more likable, better leaders, and reduces anxiety and fear – which is why many therapists use it as a tool.

My book Seek (2023) has stories from my yearlong road trip and insights about deep curiosity, but it also gives people a programme for exercising this muscle, which I call the ‘DIVE’ model, for detach, intend, value and embrace:

• Detach: let go of your ABCs (assumptions, biases, certainty).
• Intend: prepare your mindset and setting.
• Value: see the dignity of every person, including yourself.
• Embrace: welcome the hard times in your life.

In this Psyche Guide, I’ll walk you through each of these steps. I hope that you’ll come away feeling more comfortable practising deep curiosity on your next first date or as you delve into your partnership; to navigate conversations around the dinner table during an election cycle with more ease; or to get through a fiery work meeting that’s giving you anxiety.

What to do

Detach: let go of your ABCs (assumptions, biases and certainty)

Everyone makes assumptions, carries biases and believes with certainty. These are shortcuts that help us to make sense of the world and provide us with reassuring feelings of security. Detaching from them therefore involves unlearning the things you feel are true about yourself, others and the world around you. This will help you access deep curiosity and change the way you perceive and interact with other people.

Here’s an exercise to help you to detach:

The garden salad effect

People sometimes say a diverse country like the United States is a ‘melting pot’ for culture, but this metaphor suggests that everyone’s identities are blended into a big stew of sameness. Instead, I prefer the metaphor of a ‘garden salad’ that’s filled with all kinds of vegetables and, when tossed together, creates a dynamic explosion of flavour and texture in your mouth. A garden salad honours the uniqueness of each ingredient (or, in this case, person) while also recognising that putting it all together makes the whole better than the sum of its parts.

Metaphors aside, there’s evidence that seeing people as individuals, rather than in terms of their group membership, can help us let go of our biases – coincidentally, one way to do this is by talking about vegetables.

When the psychologists Mary Wheeler and Susan Fiske asked white participants lying in a brain scanner to look at Black faces and sort them by age (based on being older than 21 or not), they saw activity spike in the participants’ amygdalas – a pair of structures in the brain associated with fear and feelings of threat. Wheeler and Fiske put this down to the effect of thinking in terms of group identity. In contrast, when they asked the white participants to imagine whether the people in the photos preferred a certain type of vegetable – broccoli or carrots – they didn’t show the same spike in their amygdalas. The researchers think this is because the participants were now seeing each face as an individual with their own tastes, rather than as a member of a monolithic group.

A good practice in general: when you meet or get to know someone who is different from you, try to individuate them by learning something specific, such as what vegetable they prefer. Are they into broccoli or carrots? (Carrots all the way for me.) Remember, you’re unlikely to know which people you hold unconscious biases against, or all the groups that someone is a part of, so it’s a good idea to make this a general practice with every new person you meet.

This doesn’t have to happen in live conversation – it can be awkward to ask someone about their vegetable preferences at a business conference (trust me, I’ve tried). You can individuate someone even before you meet them by using your imagination, wondering whether they are more of a broccoli or a carrot kind of person. It doesn’t actually matter if you’re right – the point is to see them as an individual with particular quirks or characteristics that make them unique.

I call this the garden salad effect, but you don’t have to stick with vegetables. You can also ask them about other preferences, like beach or mountains, or whether they’re more of a morning person or a night owl. Try to avoid questions that focus on their passive social identities (eg, ‘Are they older or younger than me?’) or that might trigger cultural stereotypes, for example around musical genres.

I remember using a version of the garden salad effect before at my first Trump rally. I asked attendees if they liked dogs or cats – and if they had any pets at home. It helped me look past group stereotypes and see a commonality many of us share: our love for animals.

Intend: prepare your mindset and setting

Intention means being deliberate rather than haphazard in your practice of deep curiosity. This involves preparing the right mindset, for example by thinking in advance about the questions you might ask in a conversation or visualising how you’d stay open-minded in a moment of conflict. In terms of the setting, it’s also about identifying a physical space that encourages feelings of safety and easy, deep listening, such as a private space with little to no distractions rather than a loud, public place.

This kind of preparation can help you even before entering a situation where deep curiosity might aid you, such as on a first date, during a tense work meeting, or at a family reunion where politics is most certainly going to come up. Thinking ahead with intention sets you up for a curious encounter that is likely to be more successful and less stressful.

Here’s an exercise to help practise deep curiosity with more intention:

Visualise yourself being curious

Professional sports coaches and psychologists often talk about the importance of ‘mental rehearsal’ – the idea that by visualising yourself doing well before a game, it improves your performance. Using the imagination in this way can make a real difference. The psychologist L Verdelle Clark showed this in the 1960s in the context of one-handed foul shots in basketball. The researcher compared two groups: one physically practised shooting the throws for 14 school days in a row; the second spent the same time imagining themselves making the same number of shots. Comparing the groups’ shooting accuracy after the practice period, compared with before, showed that the mental practice group had improved by nearly as much as the physical practice group (averaging between 15 to 26 per cent improvement, depending on prior experience – with novices showing larger gains). Since this seminal work, similar results have been replicated in different sports, such as baseball and gymnastics.

Just as visualisation can improve game play, you can use the same approach to improve your performance as a deeply curious person. In the same way as you would rehearse a speech a few times before delivering it at a friend’s wedding or a company event, taking time to picture curious encounters in your head will improve the likelihood of it going well. Picture in your mind: what kinds of questions are you asking? How are you nourishing your mind and body before the encounter? Where will the conversation take place?

For instance, imagine a manager giving herself a few minutes to visualise how she will show up for a team meeting that she expects to be heated. She might think about the questions she will ask, such as ‘What feelings are coming up for everyone?’ and ‘What kinds of support would be helpful for you and us?’ The visualisation might help her realise she should eat and sleep well before the conversation (it sounds like common sense but, without the imagery, she might not have acted with this intention), and that she should also change the location of the meeting to a more private location in the office rather than where they typically did their team huddles.

For more support planning your own visualisations, I created an audio recording to guide you through how the practice works, especially if it’s new to you.

One caveat: I recognise the existence of aphantasia, a condition that affects the ability to see imagery in the mind’s eye. If that’s you, don’t worry. Instead of imagining the scenario in your head, you can write it out like a script on a piece of paper, just like a screenwriter would write out the dialogue between two characters in a scene.

Value: see the dignity of every person, including yourself

To value is to see the inherent dignity of all people, which includes yourself. Practising deep curiosity is about acknowledging the humanity of every single person, no matter what they’ve done or how you feel about them. Full stop. Until we honour the inherent worth of others, and work to see them as complex beings with lives, families, joys, struggles, jobs, personalities, likes and dislikes, we can’t access deep curiosity.

When you value someone, you choose a path of connection rather than distance, and understanding instead of judgment. For example, you value yourself by first exploring how you felt when a friend didn’t extend you an invitation, and then sharing your concerns with them. You value your friend by not calling them a bitch because of your hurt and pain, respecting them enough to offer them a chance to respond to your feelings.

While reading this, you’re probably nodding in total agreement. Of course many of us like to see ourselves as people who already see others fully and wholly. But when it comes to that asshole who cut you off on the freeway, that coworker who is a walking microaggression, the person who voted for that political candidate, or being hard on ourselves when we mess up – if we’re honest, it’s much harder to practise valuing them and ourselves.

One way to practise valuing is to:

Turn toward and not away

For decades, the married psychologists John Gottman and Julie Schwartz Gottman have been exploring the question of how to love better. They created the Gottman Institute, which is dedicated to strengthening relationships through research-based practices and programmes. What makes for longer, healthier and happier marriages? The Gottmans found that a fundamental answer is to value your partner by responding to their ‘bids’ for your attention. In their research, these bids often took the form of a question, such as asking what to cook for dinner or what book their spouse was reading. Other examples include: ‘What’s your week looking like?’ or ‘Did you see that coyote?’

The couples who were still married six years after the study were more likely to ‘turn toward’ these bids, meaning the receiving partner would respond by saying something like ‘What about cooking salmon for dinner?’ or ‘I’m reading The Overstory by Richard Powers, and I’m really enjoying it!’

Crucially, to turn toward a bid for attention, you must be aware of it. This requires you to be mindful and attentive to someone when they’re asking you a question or pointing out something. For example, if your partner says: ‘How did the food taste?’ but you’re engrossed with your phone, you’re not going to acknowledge they made a bid for your attention at all. If your partner says: ‘How do I look?’ but your mind instantly goes to their insecurities or a judgment that they’re fishing for compliments, you might muddy the way you turn toward them.

Turning toward the people we care about affirms their value. It’s how we translate our belief that someone matters into a behaviour. By valuing your partner when they make a bid for your attention, you are being curious toward them.

Evidence that turning toward others can lead to stronger relationships may come from the Gottmans’ pioneering research on romantic relationships, but it can also be applied to other connections, from colleagues to neighbours, or friends to family. When a friend makes a bid for attention by mentioning something about fashion to you – even if you’re not interested in the topic – turn toward them. Ask them what they find interesting about it. Or when you’re disagreeing with a colleague about how to tackle a project, try getting curious rather than defending your own point, by asking: ‘Tell me more about your perspective.’

See these moments as an opportunity to learn more about the person you’re getting curious about, rather than the topic they brought up. In the words of Susan Scott, author of Fierce Conversations (2002): ‘The conversation is not about the relationship. The conversation is the relationship. ’

Embrace: welcome the hard times in your life

The final part of the programme for developing deep curiosity – especially toward yourself – involves moving toward the things you fear or that challenge you, which usually happens at a moment of change, such as a career shift, a new home, expanding the family or navigating loss. Instead of trying to push away discomfort, fear, anxiety or pain, try to get curious about where they’re coming from and what they have to teach you.

Don’t do this by suppressing negative emotions or pretending that everything is just dandy, thank you very much! Instead, embrace all of it – the good and the bad – and leave room for the possibility of change to follow.

For instance, when you experience grief, you might reflect on that person’s legacy and the precious memories you’ve shared with them. But you can also create the space to honour the anger and sadness you feel now that this person is no longer with you, or to recognise the past experiences you had with them that make your grief complicated.

Here is one way to embrace:

Quicksanding

At the top of my Google search results for ‘How do I survive quicksand?’ was a video by the biologist and wilderness survival guide Hazen Audel. His recommendation? Don’t panic. Easier said than done, I know, but when you struggle and freak out in quicksand, it will sink you in further and faster.

The second thing to do: stay in your body, not your mind. You might have all these racing thoughts that you’re about to be swallowed whole by the quicksand, but this is impossible, thanks to the laws of physics (if you don’t fall in headfirst, that is). The density of quicksand’s mix of clay, salt and water exceeds the density of the human body. So, instead, take a deep breath in the quicksand and observe your chest rising and falling. By slowing down and focusing on your body rather than your mind, you will better regulate your emotions to make your escape.

The final step, which sounds counterintuitive and scary: lean back. Doing so with your head still above the surface while slowly kicking your legs back and forth will shake up the ground and create a pocket for your legs to move more freely. Eventually, thanks to our good friend buoyancy, your legs will pop right up to the surface. This will allow you to float toward solid ground and safety.

You may be wondering why the hell I’m talking about quicksand in an article on connecting better. Although very few people will ever encounter quicksand in the wild, this irrational-fear-inspired internet rabbit hole actually leads to an insight about deep curiosity: when you are dealing with a crisis – such as feeling weighed down by the intensity of work, or stressed from the responsibilities of caring for your children or an ageing parent – you might feel stuck, become afraid, and give up. You might even make reactive or impulsive decisions, flailing as you try to navigate the overwhelm. Just like with quicksand, any of these responses make matters only worse, sinking you further into stress, paralysis or fear. Reacting this way, while understandable, also pulls you away from embracing this moment and staying present to it, preventing you from being deeply curious about how you and others are feeling in the situation.

In these moments, it’s important to slow down by practising what I call quicksanding. Just like you would do if you fell into literal quicksand, take a moment and get into your body by focusing on your breath and becoming as buoyant as possible. Then, find slow, deliberate ways to move, such as taking a leisurely walk or using your whole body to slowly dance to your favourite song.

When my friend Luisa gets overwhelmed from all of her responsibilities as a mother, caregiver, wife, friend, neighbour and leader in the workplace, she integrates quicksanding into her life. For example, on a day when she was in back-to-back meetings and felt increasingly stressed, she gave herself a few minutes to slowly walk around the block, getting curious about the trees, the sun, the clouds above and the neighbours she encountered on her journey. A few minutes outside made her feel a little more buoyant – it put her in her body rather than in her mind. Instead of spiralling about the emails in her inbox or the work event she was planning, she felt more relaxed and centred, rather than trapped or sinking.

Movement is something that gets recommended a lot by therapists and coaches, yet very few of us choose to move when we’re in a moment that’s causing us stress or overwhelm. Instead, we tend to match the intensity of our feelings by trying to do house chores faster, working harder and later, or stacking up our schedule with back-to-back calls. Our brain’s default setting is to believe that beating fire with more fire of our own will help us to prevail. But this only adds fuel to your stress and wears you down more – disconnecting you from your own needs and from the people around you. We live in this culture where dominating and fighting equals winning, so it makes complete sense that this is the inclination many of us have. But, in order to truly win, we have to see temporarily retreating as a strategy for success.

The research supports this too: slowing down lowers your cortisol and stress levels, and puts you at ease, even in times of crisis. Studies have also found that slowing down helps bring more clarity to our decision-making, allowing you to be more present, find more meaning in your experiences, and connect more deeply with others.

When I went across the country to practise my curiosity with Trump voters or Catholic sisters, I stretched far out of my comfort zone to see how it could break down the stereotypes I held, and lead to conversations where we could learn about each others’ personal stories. But when I got home from the trip, I realised that these same practices also applied to the people closest to me and, in fact, this is where deep curiosity is the most important companion for our lives. We all want to deepen our care and love for our family, friends, colleagues, neighbours or even the strangers we encounter each day. Curiosity is the best idea I’ve come across for how we can strengthen these relationships and create new meaning in our lives. It’s a way for us to learn new things about ourselves and others. It’s a way to feel closer to them and understand their point of view. And not only is curiosity a way for us to see others, it’s also the gateway for us to be seen. For others to know who we are, what we stand for, and the stories that shaped who we are.

The exercises in this Guide are a sample of what you’ll find in my book Seek, but even its entirety will take you only so far. Deep curiosity is a life-long commitment that requires your creativity to come up with practices of your own. Committing to curiosity means continuing to read more and discover new ideas on how you can take it even further. It requires being courageous and actually trying it out with yourself or others – I’m confident that, if you do, you’ll bring much more fulfilment and wealth to your life.

For now, as you begin your journey, I leave you with a quote attributed to the poet Rūmī: ‘What you seek is with you.’ May curiosity bring you closer to everything you’ve been searching for in life, and remember that it’s always there with you as a constant companion.

Links & books

You can watch my TED Talk about the power of curiosity here.

My book Seek: How Curiosity Can Transform Your Life and Change the World (2023) has more information about deep curiosity and how to bring more of it into your life. Before you dive in, I recommend taking this Curiosity Quiz that will give you a baseline of how strong your curiosity muscle is today.

If you’re looking for an audio introduction, I appeared on this episode of the Science of Happiness podcast produced by Greater Good Magazine. I tell the story of a mother who transforms her relationship with her son using the power of deep curiosity, and also have a fun conversation with the psychology expert Dacher Keltner (who, fun fact, helped advise the science behind the Inside Out franchise).

I also talked about the power of questions to take our curiosity from shallow to deep on an episode of NBC’s The Today Show.

If you’re looking for something more on your professional side, check out this Harvard Business Review article I wrote about the four phrases that build a culture of curiosity in the workplace.

Finally, if you’re a practitioner, clinician, educator or healthcare professional looking to bridge differences in your life or work, you can download this free Bridging Differences Playbook that I co-authored at the Greater Good Science Center at the University of California, Berkeley – which, in many ways, began my whole journey as an author exploring curiosity.