Need to know
If you’re having trouble getting over an ex, you know exactly how painful lingering feelings of love can be. Love for an ex can prompt longing or deep regret. It can disrupt your sleep or appetite, or lead to jealousy, anxiety or self-loathing. You might not feel like yourself. It can seem as if nothing matters except the fact that this person is no longer in your life.
Loving a former romantic partner is especially likely when the breakup was unexpected. But, to be clear: you can continue to feel love for an ex even when you ended the relationship. You can love an ex even if you know they treated you poorly or that the relationship was not healthy for you.
What’s going on here? Why might you keep loving someone who doesn’t love you back, months or even years after the breakup? How can you make it stop? It’s tempting to try to ignore, suppress or deny the love you feel. But, in order to get over an ex, you must grapple directly with love.
Love for an ex is often misguided and unhelpful
Humans evolved to feel emotions, such as fear or loneliness, because they give us valuable information and motivate us to act. The emotion of love signals to you that you really like someone, that they provide you with important support, or that you feel safe with them. It may cause you to want to spend time with that person, share news and secrets with them, and do nice favours for them. These behaviours connect you to the other person. And when you love someone who loves you back and treats you kindly, your wellbeing benefits.
But, sometimes, emotions are prompted by old conditioning, inaccurate interpretations, or outdated information. These misguided emotions are often less helpful. Acting on them can cause problems. For example, let’s say you feel really down on yourself one day, and you decide to cancel dinner plans with your friends because you worry that you’ll spoil the mood. However, after spending the evening alone, you may find that you end up feeling more lonely, sad and down on yourself than you did before.
You can think of romantically loving an ex as misguided or unhelpful love. Love for an ex motivates people to see what their ex is up to on social media, to go to places they hope the ex will be, or to ask mutual friends how the ex is doing. All of these behaviours are natural and understandable responses to the emotion of love. But, in the case of loving an ex, following the emotion isn’t helpful. Acting ‘in love’ – searching for, thinking about and hearing about your ex – can make love stick around. In the therapy that I specialise in, dialectical behaviour therapy (DBT), we say that emotions love themselves: they often make us feel like acting in ways that strengthen them.
That’s where the DBT skill of ‘opposite action’ comes in. Opposite action is an emotion-regulation skill designed to help you reduce emotions that you don’t want to be feeling. Opposite action asks you to act opposite to what the unhelpful emotion makes you feel like doing.
Take the example above, where you cancelled plans with friends. If you instead acted opposite to feeling sad, you’d go out to dinner. You’d get support from your friends there, you’d be reminded that there are people who care for you, and you might even have fun. Even if you still felt sad while out, the experience would likely make you feel less down on yourself than you would otherwise.
You can think about emotions like they’re little fires. Acting on an emotion is like putting wood on the fire. If you stop putting wood on the fire, eventually the fire burns out. Opposite action interrupts an emotion’s self-loving cycle of behaviours, preventing it from feeding itself.
Before acting opposite to love, validate what you feel
Opposite action should be used only for emotions that you’ve decided are unhelpful for you right now. For example, if you broke up with your ex, it’s probably because they weren’t a good match for you or they weren’t returning love in the way you wanted. If they broke up with you, they likely weren’t a good match for you, even if you don’t yet agree. Either way, loving them (and acting on that love) likely doesn’t help you move on with your life.
In order to decide that your love is unhelpful, you first need to understand it. In order to understand an emotion, you have to feel it. Ignoring or avoiding painful emotions only makes them worse over time. Before practising opposite action, be sure to let yourself feel your emotion and validate it – whether that means writing in a journal about it (and why it makes sense that you’re feeling it), noticing how the emotion makes you feel in your body, or simply saying: ‘Of course I feel this way.’ Feeling and validating the emotion, even briefly, helps to make sure you’re not suppressing it. Relatedly, it’s important to make sure that you’ve taken time to grieve – a natural and helpful response to the loss of a relationship.
If you have felt and validated your feelings of love, and you recognise that your love is no longer helpful, it’s time to act opposite. While it can sometimes feel impossible to go against emotional urges – the urge to daydream about an ex, for example – my clients have found that opposite action works for them, at least when they practise it with patience and compassion. To get over an ex, you must act opposite to love all the way, against each of the ways that love is showing up. So, how do you do that?